Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Your pumpkin seeds that is…Toast them! Close your eyes & pull out that yucky stuff (pulp) & separate the seeds from it. Place on cookie sheet & lightly salt. Bake for 3-5 minutes @ 375f, Stir them around & bake for another 3 minutes. Remove from oven, cool & eat. Yuummm!

The one good thing about turning back the clocks is that it gets dark so much earlier that TheGayGardener can start drinking earlier. I do have standards, you know.

EIGHTIES IDOL: Did I tell you I saw the still dreamy, LORENZO LAMAS at The Admirals Club at LAX on the weekend? The guy looks incredible considering FALCON CREST was a TV hit 25 years ago
He’s a regular on the daytime soap, THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL now.

IDOL WHO’S EIGHTY: So BOB BARKER is retiring from THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Says Bob: “I will be 83 on December 12th. I’ve decided to retire while I’m still young!” Barker’s been doing TPIR for 35 years & has been on TV for 50 years!! His dedicated work for the S.P.C.A. will continue…class act that guy!

Speaking of 80’s heartthrobs… remember VINCENT SPANO? The hunky Italian from Brooklyn who starred In RUMBLEFISH, BABY IT’S YOU & AND GOD CREATED WOMAN?? He has a recurring role on LAW & ORDER: SVU as an F.B.I. Agent. He's 44 now & He looks great too. Though I suspect a “tweak” here & there. But like I keep telling you, “injectables” don’t count!

And I just saw LIZA MINELLI on the other LAW & ORDER: Criminal Intent, playing, I swear to God, a “PATSY RAMSEY” character. You know the show is “ripped from the headlines”?!

Monday, October 30, 2006


Word is that the cancellation of the troubled AARRON SORKIN NBC series STUDIO 60 is imminent. I can't believe it's lasted this long. So smug, so self-important: "look at us! Aren't we smart? Aren't we funny?" With no evidence to support those claims!

Speaking of cancellations the 7 year marriage of REESE WITHERSPOON & RYAN PHILLIPE is over. Sad, because of the kids but you know what they say? "Win an OSCAR...lose a husband!" Just ask HILLARY SWANK or HALLE BERRY or even KIM BASSINGER; whose ugly divorce/custody battle is still going on with ex ALEC BALDWIN

THE ATLANTIC Magazine really put on a swell party at the gorgeous SAN FRANCISCO MUSEUM of MODERN ART in celebration of their 150th Anniversary. Fabulous food and a terrific presentation of "toasts" from many varied, historic & literary figures. Virtually every bright light in The American Canon has written for THE ATLANTIC.

Tomorrow is HALLOWEEN Thank God! If I eat one more piece of Candy Corn I'll be in a diabetic coma. One last tip (courtesy of BETTER HOMES & GARDENS: Take an old umbrella (broken is fine) remove the fabric & string some of that damn spider "webbing" through the spokes. Add plastic bugs & some votive candles (I used black feathers for a more glamorous version)tie a rope loop around handle & hang from ceiling on a cup hook. (Be careful if using real candles...the battery operated ones are better) This will make a great spooky greeting to the trick-or-treaters in your foyer!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Crocodile Hunters & Alligator Bags

You know I love "Ross-The Intern" from The Tonight Show! He's just naturally funny.
This YouTube clip shows Ross meeting the late "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. Poor Steve has never seemed so frightened on camera before. It's hysterical.


Did you know that the S.P.C.A. bans the adoption of black cats in the weeks prior to Halloween? They fear they'll just be used as "party props" then abandoned or abused.
How sad is that?

Not quite as sad as the career of JAY MOHR. This is a talented guy who had a feature career (JERRY MAGUIRE) & started the hit show: LAST COMIC STANDING
Tonight you can see him guest starring (NOT even a "Very Special Guest Star" credit)
on CBS's THE GHOST WHISPERER (which in my opinion is the poor man's MEDIUM! Hey NBC! What did you do with that show? Find EMMY AWARD WINNER PATRICIA ARQUETTE and put it back on the air!) Poor Jay. He's probably just doing it to keep his union health insurance.

Off to San Francisco for THE ATLANTIC Magazine's Celebration of Ideas Gala to be held at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art as part of the magazine's 150th Anniversary Celebration. See You Monday!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Here Come The Grooms

I’m not exactly clear on today’s New Jersey Supreme Court ruling (no one is) but it appears that boys (& girls) like me will soon be able to marry one another in “The (Gay) Garden State” Yea! I think I’ll register at Smith & Hawken, have a simple ceremony in say, Princeton then head over to Africa & buy a baby ! I’m going to choose a true orphan though. Those pesky birth parents can be such a pain.

Speaking of MADONNA, did you see her on Oprah today? Jesus!
Is Kaballah Hebrew for “self-important, petulant, fake-accented entertainer”? Madge! You’re a perfomer! Just shut up & sing! ANGELINA JOLIE managed to get 2 kids without such a fuss
Get off the cross!

In other groom news U.S.A.Today is reporting that Tom & Katie’s upcoming nuptials will be a “blend of Scientology & Catholicism
What the hell does that mean? Is the Pope going to arrive by spaceship to officiate at the ceremony? There’s not a priest alive who would sign off on this. Not even that freak who diddled MARK FOLEY all those years ago.
DAVID LETTERMAN on The TomKat Italian Wedding:
“I hear its going to take place at The Leaning Tower of Publicity!”

If you’re planting “sweet peas” right now (& I hope you are) remember to soak the seeds overnight. This will speed growth as well as make the little buggers easier to see in the soil as you plant.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Q:"Why Can't Witches Have Babies?"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

A: Because their husbands have "Hallow-weenies"!!
Wasn't 4th grade fun?

TheGayGardener hosted a Spooky Tea Party this past weekend, like the table? But I re-learned a lesson I had blocked out. That damn spider “webbing” never dies. It clings to everything! (I’m still picking it out of my beard) And a little goes a loooonngggg way, so buy a small bag. Or to save even more $$ just get that poly-fill that’s used to make pillows. It comes in a plain plastic bag & is generally cheaper. Plus if you felt ambitious, you could make a new throw pillow for the sofa.

Did you catch AMY SEDARIS on MARTHA yesterday? Hysterical!
Martha was making Amy’s “Lady Baltimore” cake featured in Amy’s new book (that I previously mentioned) “I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence” As Martha started mixing the cake ingredients, the first thing Amy says is: “I assume you’ve washed your hands!”
Then Amy tells Martha that Martha’s own new book isn’t doing that well, that she’d seen lots & lots of copies at the book stores she’s visited. Amy suggested to Martha that she might want to include a “centerfold” in the inside dust jacket of her book, like Amy has in hers, because ”Sex sells, Martha!” God love her, Martha tried to roll with Amy’s “punches”, but I swear she looked happier at her sentencing.

Those 2 sweet, kooky, lovebirds, TOM CRUISE & KATIE HOLMES have set a date! November 18th! All the details of the blessed day have begun to leak out to the press, which is a shock, given how reticent the couple has been to give us a peek into their private life.
ARMANI will be designing the clothes, including Katie’s gown (or as my friends at DEFAMER call it, her “Bridal Shroud”) and a special little “kimono” for baby SURI. The happy union of these 2 devoted souls will take place in Italy, at a little cottage on Lake Como called The Villa D’Este, not at the nearby home of GEORGE CLOONEY as had been previously reported. George knows better!!

“…that crazy one-legged hooker”
- Craig Ferguson on HEATHER MILLS McCARTNEY, who’s claimed physical abuse at the hands of her former husband, SIR PAUL

Monday, October 23, 2006

This One's For The Girls

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I went to an amazing show at The Wilshire Ebell Theatre last night.
The BEST IN DRAG SHOW; which is an annual fundraiser for “Aid For Aids” an extraordinary charity that acts as a direct life line to those with HIV/AIDS. The set-up is an actual beauty contest amongst 7 Finalists: “Hannah Schevitz”,”Sue Baru”, “Anna Bollick” “Roxy Cotton”, “Lacie Brownie”, “Cookie D’eau” & “Rita Bible” competed in Swimsuit, Talent, & Evening Gown Competitions. With hysterical color commentary by “Lotta Slots” & “Ida Dunham” eg:
Sweetie, Miss Pennsylvania is so old her birthstone is LAVA!”
“…she’s so old she was a contestant on the first Game Show & the prize was FIRE!”
…like that. The incredible thing is that the “girls” do everything for free! The only expense AFA pays for is to rent the theatre for “one night only” The gowns, wigs, props, jewels, makeup are all paid for by the contestants & a staff of volunteers do everything else to create the first class production. The Celebrity Judges included: Charlie Sheen, John C. Reilly (who had just hosted Saturday Night Live in New York 12 hours prior & flew back just for this show!) Jason Alexander, “The O.C’s” Peter Gallagher, Jennifer Coolidge ( a big crowd favorite) Rebecca Gayheart (accompanied by her husband, “Dr. McSteamy” who’s even hotter in person!!) and the incomparable, Kathy Griffin, who opened the show & had everyone practically peeing their pants! I haven’t laughed this much in a theatre since I saw Maggie Smith on Broadway in Lettice & Lovage about a thousand years ago. Oh, and in one evening AFA raised a much needed $250,000!!

It’s not too late for those in the West to plant some panseys!! If you get them in now they should bloom all winter long. Look for some of the new, interesting, multi-hued varieties. You won’t be sorry.

If you live in California, cut some of those “Birds of Paradise” that grow like weeds here & make a colorful scary floral display in less than 2 minutes.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

I'm Queer, therefore I Craft!

Halloween Tip of The Day:
Take your prettiest plate or cake dish & assemble miniature pumpkins on it for a centerpiece. You don't have to limit yourself to pumpkins. Anything bright & orange will do. Mandarin Oranges work great or even peppers! The little Habanero orange ones are adorable & very Halloweeny.
Remember I told you about Candy Corn? It just screams HALLOWEEN!! Fill various size clear containers with the sweet stuff. Flower vases are perfect. Insert a white taper candle into the "corn" and you'll have a delightful table.

I just saw THE PRESTIGE starring HUGH JACKMAN & CHRISTIAN BALE. uuugghh. The reviews are very good but I didn't love it. It deals with an obsessive competition between 2 magicians. I call it "NIP/TUCK WITH TOP HATS" & that Hugh Jackman is so adorable but it does seem as if he's ready to break into song at any moment

So ANNA NICOLE Finally buried her son, Daniel & ACCESS HOLLYWOOD told us that her fashion designer friend created a lovely black mourning number for her to wear to the funeral!!??? This is how far we've sunk? There is now a "RED CARPET" surrounding a young grave??? The wedding was fake but hey ANNA! the Funeral was real!!!

DAVID LETTERMAN: "It's Fashion Week in New York, are you excited?? Yes? Then You're GAY!"

Friday, October 20, 2006

McDreemy,McSteemy,McQueeny vs.McPhobic

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Those boys over at GREY'S ANATOMY are starting to make the girls of DESPERATE HOUSWIVES look like nuns at a prayer meeting! By now you’ve heard of the on set brawl between “Dr McDreemy”, PATRICK DEMPSEY & Co-star ISAIAH WASHINGTON. The story keeps changing, first Mr. Washington was allegedly upset over fellow actors being late to the set. Then we learned that Mr. Washington insulted McDreemy by saying he “wasn’t his faggot, like XXX” ;then today T.R.KNIGHT (George) came out to PEOPLE Magazine and said that “he “hoped the fact that I’m gay isn’t the most interesting thing about me!” T.R….I’m sure its not! The most interesting thing about you is that your good friend, Patrick Dempsey feels so warmly toward you that he took a punch from a fellow actor who insulted you!!! Who’s the real “KNIGHT” here?? And Hey! ABC You can fire than damn Homophobe, Washington! Gay Guys & Straight Women are your core audience for this show & we can just as easily go back to watching C.S.I.

Did you know that there are “trends” even in Pumpkin Patches?? Last year the big craze was white pumpkins. And I have to admit I really liked them. They were somehow elegant. This year I cannot find a single white pumpkin anywhere in Los Angeles. The Big Craze for Halloween 2006 is the “FAIRY TALE” or “CINDERELLA” Pumpkin.
Picture something you could make a “horse-drawn coach” out of. It’s very large, deep orange (less yellow, more red) and very round. It’s also very expensive!!! The cheapest I’ve seen was priced $30 a piece! But of course, I’m going to buy one. Anything with “fairy” in the title, I’m all for!!

Allergan Inc. the kind souls who brought us BOTOX, have plans to release a new “filler” called, JUVADERM by the first of the year. You can probably try some out before then if you mention it to your doctor. I know people who’ve had it here in L.A. & they LOVE IT! Not a moment too soon for TheGayGardener…sign me up!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

"Houston! We Have A Problem!"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Happy 13th Birthday Sammy! We Made it! I Love you!

"She obviously forgot it's a two-step's BINGE AND PURGE!"-The Unknown Starlet

Nearly all of the gardeners I've been privileged to know are a very decent lot.Usually kind & creative & understanding of human (& all) nature. There are exceptions of course. Today I was forwarded an email from a friend concerning the cancellation of a gardening consultation in Houston, Texas. It would seem that a landscape designer called "gardenguy" has no desire to work with us pansies:

From: Garden Guy Inc <>Date: October 18, 2006 9:08:36 AM CDTTo:Subject: Cancel Appt -Garden Guy
Dear XXXX,
I am appreciative of your time on the phone today and glad you contacted us. I need to tell you that we cannot meet with you because we choose not to work for homosexuals. Best of luck in finding someone else to fill your landscaping needs.
All my best,
Todd and Sabrina FarberOwners, Garden Guy, Inc.visit us at:
Member of the Association of Professional Landscape Designers
Creating beautiful landscaping for Houston homeowners since 1991!
Phone 281-208-4400Fax 1+801-365-9353email: sabrina@garden-guy.comemail:

This is NOT "What I Like About The South!" But as I always ask myself, W.W.L.D.??(What Would LIBERACE do??) Speaking of whom, did you know that NICHOLAS CAGE is set to play "Lee" in a major motion picture???

I do feel for that poor SARA EVANS. Having to drop out of DANCING WITH THE STARS to take care of personal family matters. But you have to admit that God must have a sense of humour. Before the competition even began, her good friend &amp;amp; supporter; disgraced former House Majority Leader, TOM DELAY, began a letter writing campaign on Sara's behalf:"Sara Evans has been a strong supporter of the Republican Party and represents good American values in the media … we have always been able to count on Sara for her support of the things we all believe in. Let's show Sara that same support," writes DeLay.DeLay also sizes up the competition. "One of her opponents on the show is ultra liberal talk show host Jerry Springer. We need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television by supporting good people like Sara Evans," adds DeLay

"Good American Values" indeed:
According to the document filed in chancery court, Schelske (Evans' husband) allegedly has on his computer at least 100 photographs of himself posing in an aroused state. There are several photographs of him having sex with other women, the filings stated.
On his computers, husband maintains ‘Craigs Lists.’ Many of them involve requests for three party sex and anal sex. Husband’s ‘Craigs Lists’ are composed of personal ads on his personal sex engine involving him and prospective sex partners,” the documents stated.The court document included an exhibit of nine recent “Craigs Lists’’ items stored in the temporary files of his computers.
Craigslist is an online ad service.
On Sept. 28, one of the children confronted Schelske, 43, at the couple’s Franklin home when he was watching pornography on TV, the filing stated. The couple’s children are 2, 3 and 7 years old.

Sara's big hit record was called: "Suds in A Bucket!"
Thank You, Jesus!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Pretty is As Pretty Does

"Fashion is for people with no taste."
"Manners are for people with no bredding."

-Marie of Romania

Its Fashion Week in Los Angeles! Just how many more $2,000 velour track suits & $500 embroidered t-shirts we need is beyond me! But I did get a nice suprise at the Sneak peak of the Spring 2007 line @ DES KOHAN's chic boutique in the Miracle Mile Area last tonight. Gorgeous skinny models (I guess that obese model that GAULTIER used last month didn't start a trend!)in really pretty 20's style dresses mingled with nearly 150 guests.Hosted by high priestess of West-Coast Fashion, MERLE GINSBERG; I spied SANTINO from PROJECT RUNWAY (Taller in person) EVAN HANDLER (the bald guy from SEX IN THE CITY) and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD's SHAUN ROBINSON. You know its a good party when the Fire Department comes in to shut it down

The New York Times' FRANK RICH on disgraced former Congressman, MARK FOLEY:
"A useful creep at this historical juncture."

Today's TheGayGardener Halloween Tip:

Paint terra cotta pots in a "candy corn tri-color" and fill with scary succulents & creepy cactus! oooooohhhhhh

For a more elegant look: glue feathers around the lip of a pot you've sprayed painted black (I picked up these cute orange chiledren's feather boas (??) at where else? The 99 Cents Store

REMINDER: Wash your pumpkin off (!!) before displaying it, especially indoors.
I like to rub a little mayonaise on mine after washing, to give it a little pumpkin I mean.

Monday, October 16, 2006


So I'm leaving my facialist in Hollywood today (she's too far East to be noteworthy)& I see a crowd gathering in front of GRAUMAN'S CHINESE THEATRE.(I always think of LUCILLE BALL when I see Grauman's...I loved those "Lucy & Desi in Hollywood shows) I ask one of L.A.'s finest what was going on & he said that BRUCE WILLIS was getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Those stone stars must be expensive if they wait 20 years to give you one. I guess they want to be sure! Bruce does attract a crowd & brought some heavy hitters with him: BILLY BOB THORNTON, SYLVESTER STALLONE, DON JOHNSON, BEN AFFLECK. I left before the "Kabballah Krew" (Ashton & Demi) got there because I was late for the gym. Congrats Bruce! You can probably quite your day job now!

I'm reminded of a joke I heard BILL MAHR tell once:
"The republicans are always talking about the Gay Agenda! You know what the gay agenda is? 1)Starbucks 2)the Gym 3)the tanning salon"

TheGayGardener loves to entertain but cannot hold a candle to the lovely & hysterically funny, AMY SEDARIS. You may know her from "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" but Amy has a fabulous new book out called: "I Like You! Entertaining Under the Influence!"With all kinds of great tips & tasty recipes (Her Cheeseballs are legendary)
Amy's just like MARTHA STEWART. If Martha had a personality transplant. Amy is also the sister of the funniest writer alive: DAVID SEDARIS. If you've never read his book, NAKED; you don't know what you're missing. So much talent in one family. The Sedaris' are THE BARRYMORES of Comedy!

SIZE MATTERS: In another blow to Asian virility, CBS News is describing the recent nuclear bomb tested by Koreas's KIM JONG ILas "a relatively small device"!!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

"And as Always, 99 Thanks...."

I've mentioned before how much I love 99 Cents Stores. And they are truly, as avertised,"your Halloween Headquarters!" In adddition to jack o'lanterns, plastic spiders, & party supplies, I found these cool, bright orange, tin flower pots.
And the piece de resistance: black silk (???) roses with real dew (glue!) drops on the petals! Place roses in pot & voila! Instant scary centerpiece & for TWO DOLLARS!
{wow! how affected am I? Two French phrases in one sentence!}

You know it's getting close to trick-or-treat time when 3 out of the top 5 Box Office winners are horror flicks: THE GRUDGE 2, THE DEPARTED & TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING Rounding out the top 5 were OPEN SEASON (an animated feature about hunting) & ROBIN WILLIAMS' MAN OF THE YEAR. Given Robin's recent offerings maybe we should include that in the horror group as well.

Favorite quote of the weekend award goes to DR.NANCY SYNDERMAN on the TODAY WEEKEND Edition:
"Sleep is the new one is getting enough!"

Friday, October 13, 2006

Extreme Makeover Edition

You Gotta Love GAWKER! If you live in New York I don't see how you can live without it! These photos supplied my laugh for today! It seems Andrea Peyser a colomnist for the NEW YORK POST objected to the photo used by GAWKER in a story dealing with "Andi's" criticism of MADONNA for adopting an African baby. So,the day after the GAWKER story ran, Andi sent the second, more attractive photo. Are these even pictures of the same woman??? As if!

OK! Sometimes THE NEW YORK TIMES actually has articles that are interesting & don't require an advanced degree to decipher. Today's edition has a fascinating article on PETER BACANOVIC...MARTHA STEWART's Broker who went to jail. Peter is still quite bitter (a bitter gay guy??? NOOOOOOOOOO!) and refuses to even refer to MARTHA by name, instead calling her his "co-defendant"!!! delicious!

I actually witnessed an event today in Los Angeles that I still cannot get out of my mind! A young woman was crossing an intersection by the celebrity-filled THE GROVE shopping mall. The notable thing was that she was crossing against the light, oblivious to all her surroundings, because she was "TEXTING" She never even looked up as she crossed the intersection, but kept texting away. The miracle is she wasn't killed. The shocking thing was; no one so much as beeped their horn at her! But patiently waited for her to cross the intersection!! I guess all the waiting drivers felt: "There but for the Grace of God!"

Thursday, October 12, 2006

"Man Boobs"

God! Is there a grosser term than this?? Maybe I'm sensitive for fear I may possess them (which is why I wear a "wife-beater" under my shirts) I think we can thank AMERICAN IDOL's SIMON COWELL for this contribution to culture as well; because the first time I heard this expression it was in reference to him. But leave it to THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER to sqeeze every last ounce out of a good thing. Now we have actual photgraphic evidence of TOM CRUISE'S "Man Boobs Problem" I almost feel sorry for him. "From TomKAT to TomFAT" indeed!

This is a very tricky time for "tabletop"... After Labor Day but before Halloween & the Holidays begin. "What's a gay to do???" Well just remember that roses past Septemeber are just pretenious, regardless of where you live. Try to find some great succulents, grassses, or other flowers native to your zone. Just look around & see what's actually still growing in your yard or what the local nursery is featuring!

Memo To KATIE COURIC: Dammit!! You've really hit your stride & now your numbers are down! I think you get better with every newscast! And you look great! At least your demographic is good. That is no small thing!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Runaway Train Wreck

Don’t you love Autumn? I read the other day that people are now spending more on Halloween Decorations than Christmas…unbelievable! Here’s a hint from TheGayGardener: CANDY CORN!!! It sums up the whole holiday. Fill any clear container or that flower vase you never use, with the tri-color sweet stuff & instant holiday! I like to fill varied sized glass vases with candy corn & then insert a votive candle. Place down the center of a table or mantle…beautiful!! Cheap & easy & it takes 10 seconds!! Try it.

Sooo that “Runaway Bride”, Jennifer Willbanks is suing her former fiance’. Seems she would like half of the monies earned (?) by his selling their story to a tabloid for $500,000 AND she’d like the return of a “gold couch” and the wedding shower gifts!
Jenny, Darling! Have you ever even read EMILY POST??? If the wedding does NOT take place you have to RETURN those gifts to the giver!! And you might want to consider re-imbursing your hometown of Deluth, Georgia, for the monies they spent in Police, FBI, & other law enforcement while they were searching for your crazy ass! Oh You can keep that nasty Mexican blanket that you covered your head in when they finally found you in New Mexico! As for that gold couch…sweetie you can have that too!

Seems the neighbors of the DR. PHIL House have succeeded in closing it down! TMZ is reporting that the folks surrounding the Mid-Wilshire property have succeeded in getting rid of the “crack addicts” & other dysfunctional folks who live in the house while waiting for Dr Phil (or wife Robin, or son Jordan, or other son whose name I don't know because he is the only one in the family to NOT write a book yet) to cure their ills. If only it were this easy to rid the airwaves (& the clearance bin & Barnes & Noble) of the good Doctor!!

Here’s a great quote from ROBIN WILLIAMS on the reason behind his recent stint in rehab:

“I was violating my standards faster than I could lower them!!

Monday, October 09, 2006

"Wilford Brimley Your Come-back is Calling!"

AND at $30 an hour hour too!!!!! Here are the details from Craigslist
Yes! The very rich are very different!:

Reply to:
Date: 2006-10-06, 3:07PM

We are casting for the following roles for a children’s charity fundraiser at a private home in Bel-Air. The theme of the party is “A Christmas Carol” and it is being orchestrated on a GRAND scale. There will be six inches of real snow brought in that morning and we are pulling out all the stops to turn a large estate into 19th century England in the winter. To make the scene as authentic as possible, we are looking to cast the following “characters”:

SANTA CLAUS – 60s, typical Santa Claus physique, must be willing to read dialogue as well as banter with the children – a real white beard would be great, but we can provide a fake one if need be.

EBENEZER SCROOGE – 50s or 60s – The classic curmudgeon from Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”. We will have a whole scene set up on the grounds where Scrooge will have his own little “stage” to yell “Bah Humbug” at the kids.

ARTFUL DODGER/STREET URCHIN – 18 or older to play younger. The Artful Dodger is the Cockney from the musical “Oliver!”. He is a streetsmart pickpocket with tons of charm.

CHIMNEYSWEEP – 20s to 30s – Think Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins. Likable and fun.

NEWSIES – 18 or older to play younger – Two newsboys who will be standing in our “Town Square” with stacks of newspapers shouting “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!” and stuff like that.

BOBBY – English policeman. Might have to chase around the Artful Dodger accusing him of picking someone’s pocket.

CHARLES DICKENS – 50s – Distinguished-looking man who will read excepts from “A Christmas Carol” to the kids.

Meals, costumes and a very short script will be provided. The party is to take place on SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2nd, starting at 2pm. There is a party for the adults later in the evening that we may ask some of the characters to stay for, but there will be at least four hours pay (at $30 an hour) for all characters. Please understand that this is a charity event and we cannot afford to pay more. This party is going to be a SPECTACLE and many influential Hollywood executives and actors will be in attendance. It will be fun to experience, especially as part of the scenery!

Please email a headshot and resume and we will call you to schedule a meeting!


Did you catch 60 Minutes last night? If there is no such thing as bad publicity then HP has hit the motherlode. My favorite thing was LESLIE STAHL reading a list of adjectives that had been used to describe her to CARLY FIORINA Here's the list:

too flashy
too controlling
marketing fluff
publicity hound
imperious & vindictive

Poor Carly! Hope those muli-millions in compensation & severance take the sting out of some of these barbs! Many aren't even insults, I mean, "diamond-studded"?

Los Angeles can be a verbal mine-field too! In Hollywood:
"I love you" means "Fu** you"
"Fu** You" means "I'm annoyed, but I'll get over it!"
"Let's Get Together Soon" means "I don't care if I ever see you again!"

Sunday, October 08, 2006

"Politics is Show Business For Ugly People"

I'm not sure who said that, but truer words were never spoken. I don't want to turn this into a political blog, but as long as the gay witch hunt persists in Washington, I can't be silent.
One interesthing thing I just learned: DENNIS HASTERT, The Speaker of The House who is being criticized for his handling of the Foley Affair, lives with his GAY Chief of Staff, Scott Palmer!!!! HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO??????????!!!!??

RUN! (with dignity) to your nearest theatre & see THE QUEEN. It's a wonderful film and HELEN MIRREN is truly amazing. I forgot I was watching an actress & thought it was a documentary.

Hey! Brad and Angelina: I know its rough out there but that footage of your bodyguard savagely grabbing that photographer by the throat that's being continually replayed on TV isn't garnering you much sympathy. You guys are smarter than this!

Friday, October 06, 2006

A Royal Flush

Please excuse my absence yesterday. I was at an EMERGENCY MANDATORY MEETING OF "THE GAYS" in QUEENS, New York. The ultra-secret conclave was called to gather & peruse all of our emails, IMs, text messages etc that can be used as we further plot the over-throw of the Republican Party. It’s also a great place for mature men to meet younger guys, not just Congressional Pages. Damn this conspiracy stuff is exhausting!

Speaking of Queens…I cannot wait to see the incomparable, HELEN MIRREN play QEII in THE QUEEN today. Ms Mirren looks so much like Her Majesty in the photos I’ve seen, it’s uncanny. Plus it deals with the events surrounding the death of DIANA which I'm still a bit obsessed by. If you’re looking for another fantastic film to see this weekend I heartily recommend, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND…Brilliant! A look at the life of that curious monster, IDI AMIN of Uganda, with an amazing performance by FOREST WHITAKER. Go see it!

As you know, TheGayGardener is both fabulous & Frugal!! Check out the old urn I found in a thrift shop for $10 add a $3 bunch of impatiens & viola!! Instant c.l.a.s.s.!!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Shit From Shinola

ooohhhhh I get it.... former Congressman MARK FOLEY, 52, sends inappropriate emails to 16 year olds because some priest felt him up almost 40 years ago AND now there is some vast conspiracy in the gay secretarial pool in Congress that got together over BRUNCH & hatched a plan to protect FOLEY and to keep this information from the Speaker of the House, DENNIS HASTERT! Is anyone buying this shit?

Speaking of B.S I read in US WEEKLY that "...VINCE LEFT JEN" & if I read further I can learn how "Jen is coping". If I read about how Jen is coping once more, I'll scream! Listen up: This "engagement" never happened!!! Jen herself denied it! They're friends! Thats all they ever were & all they ever will be! TRUST THEGAYGARDENER! And Jen is coping as well as can be expected... for a millionairess actress living on the beach in Malibu sifting through offers for feature films!!

Congratulations to TORI SPELLING who is expecting! MEMO to hubby DEAN MCDERMOTT: Tori could give birth to sextuplets but you are still not going to see dime one from AARON SPELLING'S estate as long as CANDY lives!!!

Our thoughts are with CHARLIE's (original) ANGEL,"Jill Monroe", FARRAH FAWCETT who is battling cancer. God Bless you Farrah!!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Ben Stein Is An Idiot!

The only reason many of you would even know this stooge is because he had "an under 5 role"
(less than five lines) in FERRIS BUELER'S DAY OFF. You may remember his intoning:"Bueler?Bueler? Bueler?" as his teacher character took attendance. He also had a little watched cable show called "WIN BEN STEIN'S MONEY" which is only noteworthy for giving the world JIMMY KIMMEL. Allegedly, Stein is a writer for something called The American Spectator (??)
Anyway this is Mr Stein's take on the Foley scandal:
"We have a Republican man in Congress who sent e-mails to teenage boys asking them what they were wearing, and an entire party, the Democrats, whose primary constituency, besides the teachers' unions, is homosexual men and lesbian women. I hope it won't come as a surprise to anyone that a big part of male homosexual behavior is interest in young boys." huh???

Speaking of idiots the new star of ABC's THE BATCHELOR, Lorenzo Borghese is being heralded as a genuine Italian Prince & the show is shooting in Rome. Only problem is this guy has basically never left his home town of SHORT HILLS, NJ, has never been to Italy before & only speaks enough Italian to order a pizza. But he has parlayed his family's skin care products fortune into a line of DOG GROOMING COSMETICS! This is just too fill in the jokes!

Monday, October 02, 2006


I know E-coli isn't funny But I think the dire warnings on those bags of mixed greens are ridiculous! First of all the problem is not spinach itself but the irrigation methods used.If the irrigation water is contaminated, or if there is a flood (which is likely what happened in these cases) it makes no difference if it's spinach, endive, or plain old iceberg you're gonna get sick. The only thing to do, I surmise, is to not eat packaged greens, wash all produce really well, or just heat it a bit & make a trendy salad of "wilted greens"!

Seeems KARL LAGERFELD is very upset about a new biography of him called THE BEAUTIFUL FALL by Alicia Drake Oh, he's not concerned about the stories of cat fights between he & YVES ST.LAURENT over the same boy(s) no! Ms. Drake has the temerity to accuse the man who saved the House of CHANEL, of glamorizing his childhood in Germany. Monsieur Lagerfelt admits to being many things, but is adamant that he was "NEVER MIDDLE CLASS!

PAGE SIX reports that the residents of PALM BEACH are in a snit! No, not about their Congressman MARK FOLEY'S pedophile problem...something much more serious! Apparently STARBUCKS was given approval to open a store there by the City Council. However many residents are up in (tan, leathery) arms about the prospect .
"A common, airport franchise on our beautiful, expensive, exclusive, WORTH AVENUE??"
Hmmmm her initials are L.H. reminds me of another L.H....I know!...LOVEY HOWELL

Am I too old or is DANE COOK just NOT funny?? His hosting of the premier of the new season of SNL was a late night cringe fest. I mean a whole comic riff on suicide?? RICHARD PRYOR, he ain't! A quote from a character in a scene with Mr Cook, played by SNL castmember,WILL FORTE, sums it all up:
"They're only going to use the funny parts and that ended a long time ago!"