Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Thursday, June 26, 2008



So now that ANNE BOLEYN is out of her head on THE TUDORS…WHAT does TheGayGardener watch??? You ask.
SWINGTOWN!!!!!!!!! This CBS show is really, really good!
The whole “swingers” thing has been done & done again, I know
What was that SIGOURNWEY WEAVER film with the keys in the bowl?
ICE PALACE or somesuch??? I forget.

This show seems real. And because it is real, it is so much sexier!
The acting is very, very good! MOLLY PARKER as Susan is always suprising. Susan’s husband is the British HOTTIE, JACK DAVENPORT. MIRIAM SHOR as JANET is such a hoot as the straight-laced, judgmental “MRS KRAVITZ” neighbor is hilarious; always in her PLAID blouses with overalls! Not content to play the clothes, Ms. Shor brings a palpable vulnerability to her Janet. GRANT (MELROSE PLACE) SHOW is a hot, sexy, funny, ROCK HUDSON for this millennium, with his 70’s porn star stache. And I adore Janet’s geeky-but-oh-so-sexy-hubby; Roger, as played by JOSH HOPKINS.

But the absolute REVELATION is LANA PARILLA as TRINA. I first fell in love with her in that lottery- based show, WINDFALLL. Only me & Mrs. Parilla (Lana’s mom) probably watched it, but it was so, so, good! Plus (on the show) Parilla got to be married to LUKE PERRY AND have an affair with JASON GEDRICK, mmmmmmmm.
Lana is so sexy…face, body & especially VOICE, that this little gay boy who hasn’t KNOWN a woman (in the Biblical sense) in nearly 20 years is MAD for her. Every sentence, every bit of business, reeks of sexuality. Plus she is a really, really good actress! Ms Parilla: If you ever (for business reasons ) of course; need a “beard” or escort or personal assistant, or better yet, a landscaper to work for cheap…I AM YOUR MAN! MARRY ME!!!!

I LOVE these people. It is not so much that I want to sleep with any of them, (but I wouldn’t refuse ANY of them) It is just that they are so real, so cool, that I desperately want to BE FRIENDS WITH ALL OF THEM,
I wish they lived on my street. I would never get anything done, but I still wish they were my neighbors


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Monday, June 23, 2008

Sunday, June 22, 2008

George Carlin R.I.P.

George Carlin died today.

And the world is a much less funny place.
George was one of the last philosopher comedians like Lenny Bruce & Mort Sahl
He demanded that you think.
Not just in order to get the joke. In was never really about the joke
It was getting us to see the bigger absurdity or observation or idea behind the joke.
Carlin became a cultural icon with his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television"
Seven dirty words that he ironically got to say time & time again.
I'll never forget him sitting down in the chair on LETTERMAN & Dave commenting on all of Carlin's various simultaneous  projects; and Carlin replied: "Yep. Dave.  I'm busier than a lesbian in a hardware store!" 
Here are a few other Carlin classics:
"Life is...a series of dogs."
"Think of how stupid the average person is.  Then realize that half of them are stupider than that."
"It's never JUST a game when you're winning"
"When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?"
Rest In Peace George.  I bet the next 24 hours will be mind blowing!

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Friday, June 06, 2008

Every Girl Ever

Thanks to ANDREW SULLIVAN for pointing me to my laugh for the day via thisclassic CRAIGSLIST Post from November, 2007:


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

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