False Alarm

Ok so I may have been premature last month when I said that thegaygardener was back to blogging. So much has happened & I’ve been really busy as the summer has begun to rapidly breeze by.

I’ve just completed two smallish jobs & am working on gathering furnishings for a third, but in reality am thinking of packing it in. TheGayGardener By Appointment is just not proving enough to keep body & soul together.

It’s rather a perfect storm of things: The economy, gas prices, design services being a luxury not a necessity, trying to compete with more desperate workers who will undercut any reasonable quote so they can book 10 jobs in a day…none of them any good.

Today for example I am sitting here waiting for the mailman to bring me a check for a job completed weeks ago. Oh & I found these two posts on Craigslist today (complete with typos!)

Hi,
If you have an edger and can cut my grass and little by little improve my lawn and can start saturday, please leave your phone number.
I want to pay 50.00 per month for 2 visits per month.
• Location: westwood

GADENING JOB-TO DIG THE GROUND IN ORDER TO GROW SOME VEGETABLE GARDEN

SO IF YOU KNOW GARDENING FOR PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL DAVID MINIMUM WAGES WILL BE PAID.
310-659-**** THANKS FOR CALLING. 10 $ PER HOUR
• Location: beverly hills

I recognize that the services I offer are a bit more artistic but this is the kind of thing I am up against!

To add insult to injury, I submitted myself for an on-air job & HGTV that, sorry, I would be perfect for (“big personality, gardening knowledge, ability to turn trash into treasure!”) They wouldn’t even let me READ!

Who knows? Maybe I’ll go back to cosmetics! Its really like landscape design for the face!

OMG this is one of the most pathetic pity parties I have ever thrown! And the centerpieces are awful too!

Sorry!

Every Girl Ever

Thanks to ANDREW SULLIVAN for pointing me to my laugh for the day via thisclassic CRAIGSLIST Post from November, 2007:


IT"S ME: EVERY GIRL EVER!


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 471580402

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Judy Garland & Liberace? Si! Si!

Many of you have written to inquire about my JUDY GARLAND rose bush....well here's the first bloom of the season. " A Star is Born"

You all know how I love Craigslist. I've bought, I've sold, I've hooked up (just kidding!) Sometimes for fun I check out the jobs available. In Los Angeles there are so many unbelievably crappy jobs with impossible requirements that pay nothing. Literally nothing. Oh you'll get a "tape" a "reel" "experience" the "chance to network" but cash? Nope! These are usually jobs in show business. Here's a fun one I fond this week! I love the irony that the professional organizer needs an organizer!:

PERSONAL ASSISTANT NEEDED ASAP!

Available ASAP: Part-time independent contractor Personal Assistant opportunity working with very busy CEO of professional organizing company in the Sherman Oaks/Van Nuys area.
About this position:
$15/hr
On-the-job training.
Personal errands including (but not limited to) car maintenance, food/beverage necessary for meeting preparation, retrieving mail, sorting bills, grocery shopping, shopping for office staff and professional organizer staff needs.
Light house cleaning.
Working with and reporting to CEO and Director of Operations on general, day-to-day office tasks.
Coordinating CEO‚s personal calendar with the company business calendar (which is maintained by the Director of Operations).
General office duties.
Responsible for checking CEO‚s voicemail on cell phone, and typing contents of each voicemail twice daily.
Responsible for an end-of-day re-cap of completed and pending tasks.\
Job Requirements:
Must have a minimum three (3)-years experience as a Personal Assistant.
Must be a quick-learner.
Must be willing to use a Blackberry (provided by company) in addition to the use of personal cell phone.
Must have a reliable, functional vehicle that is kept clean at all times.
Must be a stickler for punctuality, organization and tidiness.
Must be able to RESPONSIBLY multi-task (i.e. juggle many balls without dropping any of them).
Must be able to anticipate the needs of CEO.
Must take and follow direction accurately and well.
Must be willing and able to be in communication at all times if/when encountering difficulties completing tasks.
Must be proficient at Microsoft Office (preferably the newer version ˆ 2007).
Must be a master at prioritizing, and knowing the difference between what is urgent and what is an emergency (they‚re not the same).
Must be a master of discretion, and must be prepared to interact with sensitive and confidential materials.
Must function with a high level of integrity, accountability and efficiency.
How to apply for this position:
1. If you meet ALL of the above criteria (please do not apply if you don‚t), please type ˆ in the BODY of an email ˆ 300 words (or less) describing why you think you are a perfect candidate for this position. Email address is operationorganization@gmail.com
2. At the end of your email, type your name in all CAPS, followed by your contact phone number.
3. Attach your resume as a PDF file (only PDF files, please).
Thank you and good luck!


Location: West LA
Compensation: $15/hr.
This is a part-time job.



When I lived in New York, the ex & I used to love to watch something called EL SHOW DE WALTER. Our Spanish was limited so the nearest thing we could deduce was that this was a sort of Mexican LIBERACE. So imagine my shock(some years later) when today I check out TMZ & there he (she?) is. WALTER! Looking not a day older & certainly not more subdued

Do You Know Who This Person Is?
Posted Apr 17th 2008 6:16PM by TMZ Staff
It's not Barbara Walters, designer Carolina Herrera or some Park Avenue society matron, but Spanish language television's resident flamboyant astrologer -- Walter Mercado! That's right, es un hombre! What's your, er, sign?!

The 76-year-old Puerto Rican sensation -- who is loved by every Hispanic grandmother from New York to L.A. for his horoscopes & flawess makeup -- is currently appearing on VH1's camptastic telenovela reality show, "¡Viva Hollywood!" Oh my stars!

Bobby Trendy, meet your long lost, lip-glossed Latin abuelita!