Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Thursday, February 26, 2009


"Hey I know, VALENTINO....if we cross our arms & BLINK Three times we'll be transported back to our YACHT in the MED instead of stuck on this gray little pedestrian street in Beverly Hills!!"

My dear Italian friend "G" snapped this photo of Valentino & his partner while driving down Rodeo Drive yesterday! I also hear that the duo made a stop at the POLO LOUNGE at the BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL where our dear "V" was mistaken for a producer.

Signore Valentino must be very busy as he looks decidedly PALE compared to his normally over-tanned self!

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Monday, February 23, 2009

Dear Mr Jackman

Wow! Now THAT was an OSCAR show!! Oh sure there’s that endless middle segment that last about three hours; where you could leave & repaint the den & not have missed anything. And there’s what 4? 5? Million commercials?? But hell! I have not enjoyed an Oscar telecast more than when I was a little boy & that long haired “streaker” ran across the screen & tried in vain to upstage DAVID NIVEN.

There were the usual fashion disasters: Jessica Biehl wearing a similar table cloth to Jennifer Hudson’s at the Grammys, Amy Adams blending perfectly into the red carpet she appeared as a floating head above it all, Miley Cyrus in her GLENDA number from WICKED, and of course BEYONCE but at least she has the excuse that her Mother made it! ARDENT PLEA FROM THEGAYGARDENER: I am sure your stylists told you this ladies but PLEASE can we RETIRE the one arm on the hip look forever??? It is so unnatural! O.K. maybe it makes your arm (singular!) look more toned & shows off the gown a wee bit better but seriously you all look like rejects from the VICTORIA BECKHAM MODELING SCHOOL! You too SOFIA!!

Christ! I know Sofia Loren is like 80 so c’mon. Honey, we know it’s a wig, & self tanner & veeners & duct tape…how about next year you show up in basic black with a little gray streaked in the wig just for authenticity?? But I do have to say I LOVED the old-timers; or say veterans, presenting the awards to the new nominees. MARION COTILLIARD was so convincing in her tribute to KATE WINSLET I wanted to give her ANOTHER OSCAR. I do wonder if SHIRLEY MacLaine has ever even met ANNE HATHAWAY but by & large I really bought it! It was rather…classy no?

But the main reason the show worked is that for the very first time they had a genuine MOVIE STAR as the host! A tall, drop dead gorgeous actor, who looks like he was born in a tuxedo, and oh, did I mention that he can SING & DANCE & ACT???? And if that wasn’t enough, he speaks in the sexiest accent on the damn globe- AUSTRALIAN!!! Yea. HUGH JACKMAN, Period! I would watch him if he was reading the proverbial Phone Book. Which is not to say I could sit through AUSTRALIA (the movie) but I want to now vote him OSCAR HOST FOR LIFE!!!

Dear Mr. Jackman,
I am writing this to you,
and I hope that you will read it so you'll know,
My heart beats like a hammer,
And I stutter and I stammer,
Every time I see you at the picture show.
I guess I'm just another fan of yours,
And I thought I'd write,
and tell you so.

You made me love you,
I didn't wanna do it, I didn't wanna do it,
You made me love you!
And all the time you knew it, I guess you always knew it.
You made me happy, sometimes, you made me glad.
But there were times, sir,
You made me feel so sad.
You made me sigh 'cause,
I didn't wanna tell you, I didn't wanna tell you,
I think you're grand!
That's true, yes I do, 'deed I do, you know I do.
I must tell you what I'm feeling,
The very mention of your name
Sends my heart reeling,
You know you made me love you.

I don't care what happens,
let the whole world stop,
As far as I'm concerned you'll always be the top!
'Cause you know you made me love you!
(With apologies to Judy Garland & Clark Gable)

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Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'd Like to Thank the Academy!

Oscar, schmoscar…last night I went to a party for a LAMP!!!
Oh yes, it’s a big weekend in Los Angeles. All the hotels are booked with stylist’s suites & free swag & the stars have all “got their drink on!” But me? The fancy exterior designer? I got invited to a party at a very chi-chi lighting store to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the PH Artichoke! Which is a chandelier in the shape of an artichoke!!! I’m a very lucky man. Seriously though; while I recognize that this is a lighting & design icon, surely worthy of some note, I am left to wonder if it could ever be worth it’s nearly $100,00 price tag even if its done in 24k gold.
This is why I’ll never be CLASSY with a capital K! I walk into so many homes in L.A. And spin around & point: “Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, West Elm, IKEA, Mitchell Gold, Ballard Design!!!” With a little Frontgate thrown in. I get it! It’s easy. You don’t have to think about it because it all “GOES” together!! It’s functional & comfortable. But I have seen double-wide trailers in the South with more STYLE!!! So if you walk into my house (or a place I have done) and say ”I got that at IKEA too!!” I will die a little inside. So if you can knock-off of a famous interior design piece; I say more power to you, but then why would any spend 100,000 times as much for “the original” You would have to loudly announce to your guests that this was the case. And while I have been on tours of private homes in L.A. where they are more than happy to tell you the price of everything…I don’t recommend this sort of thing!! It’s just tacky!! Nor do I recommend the big joke that is “Design Within Reach (DWR)” I always laugh at that & think: “”Who’s reach?” Do I really need to spend a few thousand dollars on a plastic sofa??? Mmmm NO! I Don’t! But there was a free OPEN BAR & passed hors d’oeuvres so who am I to complain?

Well, I CAN complain about the MOVIES. Yuck! I almost forgot it was even OSCAR WEEKEND Which is a mortal sin as THE OSCARS ARE the GAY SUPERBOWL!! But I think I really enjoyed about three films this year. One. As I mentioned before; was THE VISITOR which I thought was just about perfect! And yes for the love of God please let’s give HEATH LEDGER a posthumous OSCAR he was very good in THE DARK KNIGHT and sadly will not live to fulfill his potential. I would LOVE to see SEAN PENN upset MICKEY ROURKE & win Best Actor. Penn has NEVER given a bad performance, and as a gay man I am sure I am prejudiced, but I LOVED MILK!!!! The Wrestler is quite good but MILK is about HISTORY…where we came from & where we are going as a people! All of us. And sure! Give that lovely KATE WINSLETT the Gold Man for ALL of her (what??? 7, 8, 12?) performances this year!! She IS a marvelous Actress & has been nominated more time without a win than almost anybody living! (except for maybe PETER O’TOOLE) Truth to tell the ONLY thing I am really looking forward to is HUGH JACKMAN hosting!! This guy has got to be the best looking & most all around talented performer working today. He is drop dead gorgeous, sexy, he can act, he can sing, & he can dance . The true “TRIPLE THREAT” as we used to say in the chorus on Broadway!

But what a crappy year for the movies, no? I blame GEORGE BUSH, as I do for almost anything. I Wish You All a very HAPPY OSCAR!! I hope you win “the pool” and I hope there are some God-awful red carpet moments that we can ALL enjoy!!

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Where Does He find The Time?

So Giorgio Armani is opening a new store in New York. What with that & dressing nearly every single star-worth-their-salt for OSCAR this weekend; Armani found time to BLOG! Yes,blog; at THE NEW YORK TIMES STYLE MAGAZINE. And you what? He’s funny.

After praising the service of the (perennially bankrupt) ALITALIA he goes on to lament the lack of “black-out curtains” in New York Apartments & America in general. Then complains that “Americans overcook their pasta (which is sadly true) and “And there’s too much sauce! Too much of everything!” “Please try to control yourselves!” Don’t you love it? The whole world is going straight to hell but we Americans are “over-saucing our spaghetti!”

Aramani was thrilled that the evening didn’t end at desert but lamented the lack of glamour at the post dinner club:
, “I noticed that the crowd was dressed in a rather basic way. In Europe, the people you see at clubs are extremely beautiful to look at and are wearing very elegant clothes”

Ouch! But to give him his due; nothing he says is untrue. And really he is a genius! He took the entire European fashion sense & sensibility & pared it down to its most basic elements & essence & my God! The tailoring…the fit!! His clothes are simple & elegant & to the point! And you know what else? He is DAMN HOT for a 70 year old guy still rocking a Carribean tan & a Speedo!! Cio, Giorgio!!

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How Much Was It Again?

Yea, so I’ve finished building my ARK & am ready for any additional rain fall that maybe in store. We’ve already had like 5 inches in 7 days so…bring it on! California is such a land of extremes. It doesn’t rain for five years & then we get five years worth of rain in a week! We elect a fiscally-conservative-former-actor-Republican (again!) to balance our budgets & he brings us to a financial abyss where we are headed for bankruptcy (it’s not ALL AHHHHNOLD’s fault but c’mon!)

But I still so do love it here after almost 17 years. Where else can you hear conversations like this at the grocery store:
Clerk: “So…have you been to Palm Springs lately?”
Attractive Middle aged customer (lots of fresh veggies in cart): “Oh no we RENTED it out!” “In this economy, you HAVE to RENT EVERYTHING you OWN!!!!!’

Christ! I’d just like to OWN something. So I could LIVE in it!!

I’ve made an informal study of this; but the TRUE DIFFERENCE between men & women can be seen at the grocery store! Forget all the MARS & VENUS stuff…watch the checkout aisle. The woman approaches, greets the clerk, chats a bit, and waits…and waits..and waits! THEN when everything is rung up & she’s told the total; THEN she reaches for her (enormous) purse. Places it on the counter & begins to look for her wallet. Finds it, then asks for the amount to be repeated. Starts looking for cash, then a credit card, oh no wait…she thinks she’ll write a check today!! “How much was it again?” “Oh! I forgot to give you my “Club Card” “And silly me I had coupons too!” “Wait a minute…I’ll find them!” “Do you sell stamps?” “Can I write the check for ‘over’ & you give me cash back?” “How much was it again?” “What’s the date today?” At this point most women will be aware of the long line of fuming folks behind her & give a wan smile & silently gesture toward the clerk, with a roll of her eyes; as if it’s the clerk’s fault!

Contrast this with a man. He’s already previously determined whether he can legally be in the 15 ITEMS OR LESS Line. He silently places his items on the conveyor belt. And also has placed those little marker bars between his own order & the one coming after him (& also after the check writing lady in front of him because she has neglected to do so!) As he places his things on the belt he “guesstimates” their cost based on his memory of what the shelf signs had said: (silently) “eggs=$2.99, butter=$3.99, milk=$4.69” etc. Now it’s his turn. He greets the clerk and already has in his hot little hand his a) Club Card b) coupons (if he even has any) c) credit card d) or roughly the amount of cash he estimated his purchase would cost AND he’s already decided: “Paper or Plastic” and has instructed the bagger accordingly!!

Think I’m a sexist pig? Think I’m exaggerating? Conduct you own little test the next time your at the market. There are exceptions to every rule; but just not enough at the market.

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

I Can't Give you Anything But LOVE

HAPPY VALENTINE’S EVERYBODY!! Did you all have a nice day?
VALENTINE’S Day sucks… let’s face it. All of us have fantasies of love & romance born of HARLEQUIN; that no mere mortal can fulfill!

But I do have to say that I am so gay I can celebrate a HOLIDAY in 20 minutes with no prep time & very little expense!
Yea I worked all day but wanted to have a little HARRY CONNICK/CARLY SIMON/Billie HOLIDAY kind of evening nonetheless!
So I looked around & put together what I thought was a perfect romantic evening!:

* still a sucker for toile!! I just love this fabric! I’ve had this red & white mine one for quite a while & it made a lovely table cloth for a romantic dinner!
* candles make everything & everyone look 10 years younger & 20 lbs lighter!
*HELPFUL HINT: Put aside all of your RED & SILVER CHRISTMAS Decorations & use them for VALENTINE”S DAY. Including linens! Oh & Anything ANGELIC because they can all represent CUPID… the little LOVE God!!
*Also use your best & shiniest SILVER ( I especially love MERCURY GLASS) because it reflects the light of your candles so beautifully!
*Save all your RED candles & Votives from Christmas to use for Valentine’s Day.
*ANY flowers from your garden will do. I used an hydranges that I bought from TRADER JOE’S In JANUARY!
*opps I almost forgot but porcelain EGG CUPS make marvelous candle holders (votives or tea lights) as well as individual flower bud holders
*keeping with the silver/reflective theme…any fancy champagne or wine bucket on the table, will automatically CLASS up the place & add to the “reflective” quality of our dinner
*use your red napkins & linens from Christmas too!
*Italian FOOD is sooo sexy! I made a fabulous salad main course from arugla,marinated tomatoes & BURRATA Cheese (a whipped creamy mozzarella!) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

“Can’t Help Loving That Man O’ Mine”
Oh listen sister, I love that Mister Man o’mine
There ain’t no reason why I should love that man…
It must be somethin’ that the Angels done planned.

Fish gotta swin, birds gotta fly,
I gotta love one man til I die…can’t help loving that Man o’ Mine.
Tell me he’s lazy… tell me he’s slow
Tell me I’m CRAZY, maybe I KNOW! But I Can’t help loving that man o’ mine.
When he goes away….that’s a rainy day
But when he’s BACK that day is FINE….
The SUN will shine

He can come home. As late as can be…HOME without him…AIN’T no HOME to me…Can’t help loving that man o mine!!

You know…ALL we need is LOVE!!

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Any given Saturday

Speaking of parenthood...
So I am at the TARGET in West Hollywood on Saturday.
I LOVE TARGET!! I just wish they'd let me hand then $100 on the way in & just choose what I wanted
Because despite prior vows; I always end up spending at least $100 every time; even if I have only gone shopping for one or two items!

Anyway it's early last Saturday. Around 9:30 am. I get in line with my purchases (including some terrific St Patrick's Day stuff-all priced at a DOLLAR!) I look to my left & see a typical LOS ANGELES guy in the line next to me. Short (like me!) Of a certain age (read: 60+) black leather town coat. DYED dark hair pulled back in the requisite pony tail. Looks somewhere between homelessness & infamy. Small child in tow. They pay for their purchases. As do I. As we're all leaving the child stops. Tugs at his crotch & says:"Daddy I have to pee!"" Cute. "Daddy" patiently says:"Well, let's go find the bathroom" NOW I Realize who it is. NOt just ANY seemingly homeless/disheveled person!! No. It's AL PACINO. Playing Dad to one half of the twins he had with the wonderful actress, BEVERLY D'ANGELO; before he summarily dumped her. It's a good role & Pacino played it with his usual understated truth. really. I wonder how much Michael Corleone forked over to TARGET that day?

P.S. While flying to Brazil last month I had the opportunity to watch a classic PACINO triumph: DOG DAY AFTERNOON. I really recommend it!! It stands the test of time. With one of the all time great supporting casts! Based on a true story, it really holds up! Get it on NETFLIX!

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Eight is Enough

You know how I hate jumping on the bandwagon but the bat-shit-crazy-ass-OCTUPLET-MOM is really pissing me off. I think mainly because I know way too many people who are struggling or have struggled to have a family & have been blessed by invitro fertilization only to have this whack job use the technology like some sort of embryonic slot machine!

Is there any among you who do not believe, without a single doubt, that this pathetic creature is insane? Crafty & clever perhaps; but truly certifiable. The story gets crazier every day. And every time she opens her mouth her poor mother contradicts her. But here are the facts as we know them:

*She has 6 other small children (also from invitro) 3 of whom are disabled.
*She lives with her widowed mother & has no means of financial support
*The only money she has at all comes from a workman’s comp suit won due to an on the job injury years ago.
*(My favorite) She won in excess of $160,000 in that suit & never told her parents about it, even though she was living with them (in their cramped 3 bedroom apartment) & they were supporting her.
*She was using that money for all her invitro procedures & obviously some really bad plastic surgery.
*She clearly fancies herself some some sort of low-rent (literally) ANGELINA JOLIE including being the mother of a HUGE brood.
*Her 3 older disabled children receive support from the state of California. She also receives food stamps for her family.
*How many of the new 8 children will suffer some sort of developmental disabilities & require help from the state is yet to be determined.
*The hospital bill for her labor & pre-delivery care not to mention the ongoing care for the children who are still hospitalized will likely run in the MILLIONS!!!! Guess who’s going to foot that bill??

I want that doctor who implanted those embryos up on charges. I think Child Protective Services should intervene & at least monitor, on a daily basis, their care. As a California taxpayer; I’d like to see the state provide this bitch with daycare for all FOURTEEN of her kids & I’d like to see her go to work, every single day, ten hours a day plus overtime & weekends; with the appropriate taxes taken out of her paycheck. Then when she comes home at night she can then care for her children, clean the house, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, make the lunches, help with homework & tuck the kids in bed. Just like the millions of other mothers out there who weren’t trying to work the system.

My own mother had seven (7) children by the time she was 30 years old. The oldest (me) was 9 years, 7 months when the 6th & 7th (twins) came along. And I am here to tell you, the human mind; not to mention heart, is simply not designed to meet the urgent & simultaneous physical & emotional needs of that many people all at once ;and there just are not enough hours in the day. Any sane person would realize this. And I am sorry but the sympathy window has closed for this freak. She deliberately & methodically chose to do this. Let her live with the consequences of her choices. Which; sadly, won’t be too difficult for a narcissist like her. Only her children will suffer. Shame.

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Jennifer Coolidge and her Dubba Deez

The one & only Jennifer Coolidge (Stiffler's Mom) in her hilarious video from her turn as "Coco" on NIP/TUCK]

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Sunday, February 08, 2009

The Gay Games

You know, sometimes I am just too queer for words! While the rest of the country is watching “L’il Wayne” & “L’il Kim” & the whole “Little Rascals” gang (WHY??? Is everyone “L’il” ? well except for that late lamented, “NOTORIOUS B.I.G.G.”???) at THE GRAMMY AWARDS I’m watching PBS. No, not one of those dreadful fundraisers where they break through & show those same 10, sad, unwell looking, people pretending to answer the phone in order to keep PBS on the air through the next commercial break; but what they used to call MASTERPIECE THEATRE.

And not just any episode of MPT but a “rebroadcast” of JANE AUSTEN’S SENSE and SENSIBILITY. And I think it miraculous. The tale of the grieving DASHWOOD GIRLS left to fend for themselves & their widowed mother, after the death of their beloved father, is riveting! All sorts of hunky well dressed men on horseback make their way to the quaint hill-side Dashwood cottage with a stunning view of the sea; but its “the girls” who are the story. HATTIE MORAHAN as Elinor Dashwood gives a Master Class in acting with this performance; and a breathtaking Brit named CHARITY WAKEFIELD as the romantic Mary Anne Dashwood, embodies the very reason poets take to pen. Supported by the legendary JANET McTEER as Mrs. Dashwood I simply hated for it to end but at least it was a happy ending.

As was LOVING LEAH. Since childhood I have been obsessed by the HALLMARK HALL OF FAME PRESENTS those very “special” TV productions; for a number of reasons. One is that they are usually well done, adapted from great novels or starring famous actors who usually will not do t.v. Another is those stories-within-the story: the HALLMARK Commercials themselves. Where the student comes back to thank the retiring professor with a (guess what?) HALLMARK Card that thanks the retiring Professor! OR the one about the middle-aged man who previously ILLITERATE is now able to READ The HALLMARK Card sent to him by his grand daughter. Often times these commercials are much better than the specials themselves. Not the case with LOVING LEAH. If I read the synopsis I think I would have passed. A young Orthodox Jewish widow (LAUREN AMBROSE from 6 FEET UNDER FAME) who’s husband has passed away suddenly meets his (non-Orthodox & GORGEOUS) Brother( played by ADAM KAUFMAN) who by ancient custom; must marry her in order to give her children; that his brother would not have died in vain without giving her children . (And people think we CATHOLICS are crazy?) Anyway the two end up getting married & lving happily ever after with the Rabbi’s Blessing (and oh, the Rabbi is played by RICKKI LAKE!) Yea its all kind of hokey, but AMBROSE & KAUFMAN are so pretty, and earnest, & winning, that you just end up rooting for them!

So here I am, watching these “chick flicks” wearing a CARDIGAN sweater, with a cat on my lap & sipping Merlot form a tea cup & thinking: “Really? Was there EVER a time where you thought you MIGHT NOT be GAY??????”

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Wednesday, February 04, 2009

25 Things I Hate About Facebook

1. It’s addictive.
2. Its just more pressure! Now in addition to checking my work email, my personal email, my home phone messages, my cell phone messages & my instant messages; I have to check my facebook page just as often.
3. I feel compelled to be doing something interesting so I post in my “What are you doing right now?” status section.
4. I feel guilty when I check my “online friends” notifications & don’t im every one who’s on.
5. I sometimes “request” friends just to keep my numbers up
6. I just don’t acknowledge “friend requests” if we have no friends in common. But I’m afraid to click “ignore” because I don’t want to piss anybody off.
7. I love hearing from old grade school & high school friends but after the initial “requests” just what the hell do I say when they still live “there” & I am “here”?
8. I sometimes accidently write on someone’s “Wall” when I mean to send them a private message just between us. Yike!”
9. I get annoyed at these folks who are constantly updating their “Profile Photos” because I get a new message from facebook that they have done so & I get a banner that says “65 of your friends have updated their profile photos” Its like “oh wait…I look better in this one!” or “Here I am at Mt. Everest” Just find a good recent one & stick with it, I say.
10. Anyone can upload photos of you & put them on facebook & “tag” you without a right of first refusal or any kind of input on your part! Even old crappy prom pictures!
11. Photos are automatically uploaded to your profile but there is another separate button to “save photos to your profile” that I continually click thus posting the same photos & captions twice!
12. I sometimes click on the hot photos of the “friends of my friends” and think about asking those people to be my friends too but always chicken out.
13. There is a NEW hateful facebook feature called” 25 random things you don’t know about me” Well if they’re so random AND I don’t know them then why are you insisting on telling me them on facebook! I swear its like the essay/BlueBook section of a FINAL EXAM.
14. People with kids: Christ! Its enough that you send me their adorable photos on your Christmas cards that I can never throw away even though I do not know these tots but it just feels WRONG! But do I have to be inundated with their adorable mugs (& God forbid; QUOTES!) on facebook too!?
15. I am now reduced to posting photos of glamorous trips I’ve been on 5, 6, 10 years ago just so I can seem to be living some sort of interesting life.
16. I hate the “People You May Know” section. Shit I “may” know George Clooney one day too, but I think I’ll KNOW it when it happens”
17. People “Suggesting” friends to me. O.K. if you would like to introduce me to your friend because you think we may have a lot in common & get on like a house-a-fire & we can all go out for drinks on Friday night; great!! Otherwise let’s don’t & say we did!!
18. Celebrities on facebook. And do not kid yourself they are ALL on there. They just use weird, indecipherable, screen names. Ahh just stick with your own kind!
19. I feel the need to comment on everyone else’s comments
20. People using facebook to sell something. Like someone works for SMITH BARNEY & you get a notice that Jack Smith just became a FAN of SMITH BARNEY
21. People who become FANS of something or join causes & pressure me to join them as well!
22. “Snowballs” “Hugs” and all that other interactive crap.
23. People who use facebook to announce their birthdays in a desperate attempt at hundreds of Happy Birthday Messages (yea o.k. I’m guilty of that too!)
24. People who use facebook as a star-fucking, name-dropping, resume builder as in: “Jason just got done shooting a feature film in Paris with GEORGE CLOONEY & is so exhausted but has to get up at 5:00 am & shoot a portfolio for Italian Vogue & then meet the Ambassador for drinks at the Ritz! What are YOU up to?”
25. Its addictive.

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