Facebook, Twitter & the Whole Damn Thing

OMG! I am taking a temporary sabbatical from FACEBOOK! Besides being a pervasive creative drain (yet another excuse to not blog!) I’m finding it a challenge to maintain ”friendships” with people I went to school with 25 years ago, not to mention all the “hugs” & “Snowballs” & “Causes” & becoming “FANS” of the things they’re fans of!! Enough!

What set me off was running into an acquaintance at the nursery (plants!) So I’m “working” and this guy comes up to me & says: “Hey, I think I wrote on your wall!” “I beg your pardon?” I say. “Ummm your FACEBOOK Wall…I think I wrote on it..sent you a message!” Oh joy!!! I don’t have the time to return the texts & emails & voicemails of the folks I love or even CLIENTS, but suddenly I now have to reply to people I barely know!!?????

And what the hell is TWITTER? I can now announce to the world in 20 words or less what I am up to & thousands of people will be interested? Seriously? My life partner isn’t all that interested in what I am doing & my speeches to him are certainly more than 20 words! Am I just the “cranky-old-homo-in-the-cardigan-sweater” that I always feared I would be???

Let’s face it! Despite THE SECRET, OPRAH!, & Eckhart Tolle, the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket! Aren’t your days a lot like mine?

The 6:30 Alarm rings. Hit SNOOZE. Hit Snooze again! And Again!

7:00 am-out of bed-LATE! And your brain turns ON:
What day is it? Shit! I have to work! Glad I sill have a job! What do I wear? Did I set the coffee maker? Damn it! Is there clean underwear? Turn on the news. The MARKET did WHAT??? WARREN BUFFET SAID WHAT? Oh! Thank God! There’s BARACK!!! He’s in charge! Thank you Jesus! That wasn’t a DREAM! I have to leave early because I need gas! HOW MUCH IS GAS???? SERIOUSLY??? What bills are due today? Why is my AMERICAN EXPRESS BILLL FOUR TIMES what it was 3 months ago when I have ceased using it? Did I pay the car insurance? Why is THAT So expensive? COFFEE!!! COFFEE! COFFEE! How much longer can I afford this outrageously expensive moisturizer? Did I LOSE EVEN MORE HAIR in my sleep??? Did I pay the Bank of AMERICA VISA? Why is their CEO such a TOOL? STILL Flying in a private plane to meet with Government Officials to explain why BofA needs MORE BAIL-OUT $$$$$??? Why does it take me over an hour to get to work when MAPQUEST says it should take 23 minutes???
DID I Pay the BofA VISA??? Should I go to the grocery store now or wait for the Sunday Paper coupons??? BUT I’m HUNGRY NOW! HOW MUCH was the AT&T phone bill? did I pay that??? Why is that so much money? I live by myself. Do I really talk on the phone that much? Shit! I have to file my INCOME TAXES?!! Is that ANOTHER “laugh line-wrinkle under my left eye?" DID I PAY THE BofA VISA??? And yes it is now 8:40 a.m. Are YOUR DAYS LIKE THIS???? I just BET they are!!! GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

25 Things I Hate About Facebook

1. It’s addictive.
2. Its just more pressure! Now in addition to checking my work email, my personal email, my home phone messages, my cell phone messages & my instant messages; I have to check my facebook page just as often.
3. I feel compelled to be doing something interesting so I post in my “What are you doing right now?” status section.
4. I feel guilty when I check my “online friends” notifications & don’t im every one who’s on.
5. I sometimes “request” friends just to keep my numbers up
6. I just don’t acknowledge “friend requests” if we have no friends in common. But I’m afraid to click “ignore” because I don’t want to piss anybody off.
7. I love hearing from old grade school & high school friends but after the initial “requests” just what the hell do I say when they still live “there” & I am “here”?
8. I sometimes accidently write on someone’s “Wall” when I mean to send them a private message just between us. Yike!”
9. I get annoyed at these folks who are constantly updating their “Profile Photos” because I get a new message from facebook that they have done so & I get a banner that says “65 of your friends have updated their profile photos” Its like “oh wait…I look better in this one!” or “Here I am at Mt. Everest” Just find a good recent one & stick with it, I say.
10. Anyone can upload photos of you & put them on facebook & “tag” you without a right of first refusal or any kind of input on your part! Even old crappy prom pictures!
11. Photos are automatically uploaded to your profile but there is another separate button to “save photos to your profile” that I continually click thus posting the same photos & captions twice!
12. I sometimes click on the hot photos of the “friends of my friends” and think about asking those people to be my friends too but always chicken out.
13. There is a NEW hateful facebook feature called” 25 random things you don’t know about me” Well if they’re so random AND I don’t know them then why are you insisting on telling me them on facebook! I swear its like the essay/BlueBook section of a FINAL EXAM.
14. People with kids: Christ! Its enough that you send me their adorable photos on your Christmas cards that I can never throw away even though I do not know these tots but it just feels WRONG! But do I have to be inundated with their adorable mugs (& God forbid; QUOTES!) on facebook too!?
15. I am now reduced to posting photos of glamorous trips I’ve been on 5, 6, 10 years ago just so I can seem to be living some sort of interesting life.
16. I hate the “People You May Know” section. Shit I “may” know George Clooney one day too, but I think I’ll KNOW it when it happens”
17. People “Suggesting” friends to me. O.K. if you would like to introduce me to your friend because you think we may have a lot in common & get on like a house-a-fire & we can all go out for drinks on Friday night; great!! Otherwise let’s don’t & say we did!!
18. Celebrities on facebook. And do not kid yourself they are ALL on there. They just use weird, indecipherable, screen names. Ahh just stick with your own kind!
19. I feel the need to comment on everyone else’s comments
20. People using facebook to sell something. Like someone works for SMITH BARNEY & you get a notice that Jack Smith just became a FAN of SMITH BARNEY
21. People who become FANS of something or join causes & pressure me to join them as well!
22. “Snowballs” “Hugs” and all that other interactive crap.
23. People who use facebook to announce their birthdays in a desperate attempt at hundreds of Happy Birthday Messages (yea o.k. I’m guilty of that too!)
24. People who use facebook as a star-fucking, name-dropping, resume builder as in: “Jason just got done shooting a feature film in Paris with GEORGE CLOONEY & is so exhausted but has to get up at 5:00 am & shoot a portfolio for Italian Vogue & then meet the Ambassador for drinks at the Ritz! What are YOU up to?”
25. Its addictive.