Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Bruno Oh NO

Yea…I know that SASHA BARON COHEN is a genius! EVERYONE says so! Though I never did see BORAT, I did admire that chatreuse sling shot bathing suit! The thing is, I really do not like “confrontational humor” If the folks are not IN on the joke & somewhat aware they are being “played” I find it cruel & tiresome! Which may be the exact two adjectives I would use to some up SBC’s latest incarnation as BRUNO! Its cruel & its tiresome!

In the first 15 minutes we are subjected to a montage of what SBC’s believes are the sexual practices of gay men. Including; placing a fire extinguisher in the anus of his partner, using his partner as a “receptacle” from which to pour champagne, a SLING SHOT contraption that allows the “catcher” to fly across the room and be strategically placed directly upon the pitcher, a Nordic Trac crossed with a dildo that allows the partner to burn some calories while artificially pleasuring the partner; and we have not even gotten to the “talking penis” yet.

I do love Sasha. I just do not feel that this country is ready for, nor fully understands satire or the fact that SBC is or may be poking fun at “homophobia” and other limiting attitudes.

I think the overwhelming message that American audiences will take away from this film experience are:
*Gay people engage in vile, perverted, sexual practices.
*Gay people are Godless idiots obsessed with fashion & Celebrity.
*Gay people & African Americans have even less in common than previously believed & in fact are natural enemies
*Gay people think they are smarter than everybody else & love to “tweak the straights” at every opportunity.

I sadly “got” BORAT. Eastern Europeans with their funny accents, facial hair & cheesey clothes are nothing if not hilariously mockable! But BRUNO is just beyond the pale! I mainly watched the film through my fingers covering my face! It was that excrutiating! And when I did keep my eyes open, they were focused on the audience ( a very diverse & good looking one at the ARCLIGHT in Hollywood on Opening Night, including the previously mentioned. PEREZ HILTON!) And what I observed was a scandalized, horrified, uncomfortable, audience, nervously laughing through bit after trying bit, lest they seem un-cool enough not to be in on the joke!

The only consolation in this GAY PR Nightmare is that originally BRUNO had been slated to rake in an over $40 Million record breaking box office; this past weekend. However the final numbers show just over $30 Million & we all know how accurate Hollywood Bookkeeping can be (God rest your soul, ART BUCHWALD!) SO what I can surmise from all this math is that like me; many, many people went to see BRUNO on Friday, opening night! And they were so offended & horrified that they informed their friends & begged them NOT to go and so Saturday & Sunday’s Box office fell precipitously!

Thanks anyway, Sasha!


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Fountain View

This came out nice, I think. I tried to avoid "color" as much as possible, even removed some gardenias, though I love 'em. Wanted to stick to a silver-blue-green-gray palette; rather a perennial Tuscan garden. I used ornamental olive trees, rosemary, woodworm, pittosporum "silver chain" (a.k.a. as "the poor man's olive tree" due to its elegance & grace & relatively inexpensive cost & various mosses; though no "baby's tears"- too "kelly green" for our scheme!

O.K. I'm bored...tomorrow let's talk about BRUNO, just saw it & still reeling!! Also saw PEREZ HILTON texting as he was leaving the theatre! So much thinner in person, but sadly not more attractive! But he did just sign a $$deal$$ to have his very own record label (!!) So let him cry all the way to the bank!

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Thursday, July 09, 2009

Perennial Disappointment

Oops I mean ANNUAL Disappointment! I’m referring to the lovely agapanthus a.k.a. “the lily of the Nile” Every home owner I know is just wild about this little specimen. And it does have it charms. Specifically right now. When in bloom, with its large, long stems crowned by lavender & purple & blue & white balls of flowers; it looks so lovely! Especially lots of them bordering the house or a garden bed or a pathway. But their season in the West can be rather brief; 6 weeks perhaps; likely much less.
And when not in flower the plants themselves; with their long, light green, frond-like leaves; are just not that interesting.

So if you like the idea of “Spring” or “seasons” & could spend the Winter waiting for your plants to bloom; then by all means go for these babies! But if you’re like many Angelenos & just want perpetual, perennial, beauty-on-demand…skip ‘em. Remember gardening is the only art form that absolutely require the cooperation of a Higher Power! As the old saying goes: “If you want to make God laugh…plant a garden!”

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Fines Herbes

I love growing herbs in the garden in spring & summer, don’t you? There is nothing quite like going out to the garden & cutting your own fresh ones as you begin to prepare a meal.

One of the main drawbacks to this project is pests! Bugs, rodents, small animals will be attracted to them because if we like to eat it, these little suckers will too. Also it can be challenging to keep & maintain a large year round herb garden.

One solution to this problem is “raised beds” or boxes. Protected & lifted off the ground; they will present a greater challenge to our wild friends.

You’ve seen me use old wine crates or boxes to grow herbs in before. And I do love the vintage yet temporary aspect of the boxes (after whitewashing them of course!)

Another fun thing to do is to use old, large tin cans! You know me & know I love a colorful package! So I was thrilled to find these boldly bright olive cans.

I drilled a few holes in the bottom for drainage. Filled them with soil or compost & placed a single herb planting in each one. You could also place a few smaller herbs in one larger can for an entire mini herb garden. Or if lucky enough to find varied sizes mix it up!
You can assemble them on an old metal tray or line them on a wide fence rail or windowsill too! Charming!

Hmmm, now back to stirring my puttanesca (whore’s) sauce!! Hey! Watch it you!

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

And the Circus Came to Town

God I am so glad that that is over! A veritable freak show. Even the circus came to town with the appearance of a troop of Asian Elephants being led into STAPLES CENTER in the pre-dawn hours prior to the funeral of MICHAEL JACKSON.

I mean, really? Was the music great? Yea it was..20 years ago. And many of those songs can still move some of our tired butts onto a dance floor. But the rest of the burlesque show? Nuts! And I am so sorry to disagree with the REV. AL SHARPTON but I think there was “somethin’ strange” about “Daddy!

I ask you, after almost a half century of self mutilation (the bleaching, the surgeries, the makeup, the oxygen chambers ) could anyone really look at Michael Jackson & not be just a little creeped out; if not down right repulsed? With the dyed arched brows, the pale skin heightened with kabuki makeup, the drawn on lips & the ever disappearing nose; the only thing that ever came to my mind when seeing him of late was: He’s MINNIE MOUSE with a Mask!

Yes, I know he was abused. He had a substance abuse problem, he was lonely & isolated. Whatever. He also had a fortune which he made & remade dozens of times in his life; from which to pay for real, constructive, therapies that would have enriched & healed him in other ways. He might also have attempted to repay (or simply PAY!) the hundreds of people to whom he owed money, many of whom were not large corporations but simple hourly or weekly workers sometimes summarily dismissed! What is the estate debt? 400 MILLION???? And the City of Los Angeles; nearly bankrupt, is expected to pay for all the thousands in extra monies required to host today’s dog & pony show!

So often in this country we celebrate the wrong people even for the right reason (Gender Equality? Good Thing! SARAH PALIN? Not so much!)

Today’s orgy of grief wasn’t even as bad, I suppose as it could have been. The LAPD were relieved & even withdrew some of the extra forces around Staples Center before the ceremony. All in all, I’d say, the funeral was a bust! NO LIZ! NO LIZA! NO QUINCY! Even the nominated children’s guardian; DIANA ROSS, chose to “be silent”. MARIAH’S musical tribute was over-wrought (duh!) And none of the musical numbers were particularly powerful. The clothes (costumes?) were lovely, with LATOYA JACKSON doing her best KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in “The Duchess” impersonation & JANET JACKSON channeling SIMONE SIGNORET. I read that DONATELLA VERSACE designed the outfits ,which wouldn’t surprise me.
I feel sorry for MRS. JACKSON who has had, I wager, a trying life. And now she’s going to have to raise three kids who not only do not look like anyone in her family, but in fact, may not be biologically related to her at all! I feel sympathy for the kids. And of course choked up a little at his daughter PARIS JACKSON’s speech; but then stopped abruptly when I realized; hell she could be the AMERICAN BINDI IRWIN by next summer! God Save Us!

The conspiracy theorists have now begun their work in ernest, so we will never be completely rid of this story. Today in Los Angeles I heard a rather distinguished looking older gentleman say the following: “ Well of course his body was not in that coffin that left FOREST LAWN, this morning! “He’d already been buried!” “I’m just sick about it! I cried all morning!” When I think of the hundreds of reasons for tears in our daily lives, whether Michael Jackson's body was in his coffin at his funeral or not; does not even make my top 40 reasons to weep

I don’t know…maybe the kids have a shot at some kind of normal life now!? And the rest of us can do what we’ve been doing for over a decade: listening to & loving (and now BUYING AGAIN!) the music and watching as the elephants lead the circus out of town once again, grateful that its someone else’s job to clean up the poop!

BTW My mother, MRS.TRAINER, just called to tell me she’s “furious” over all the Michael Jackson hoopla. “Why? Mom.” “well, because 3, 6 & 10 (which is how she refers to network television; by the local channel numbers) did nothing but cover that God damn funeral & I missed all my soaps!” Yet another outrage!

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False Alarm

Ok so I may have been premature last month when I said that thegaygardener was back to blogging. So much has happened & I’ve been really busy as the summer has begun to rapidly breeze by.

I’ve just completed two smallish jobs & am working on gathering furnishings for a third, but in reality am thinking of packing it in. TheGayGardener By Appointment is just not proving enough to keep body & soul together.

It’s rather a perfect storm of things: The economy, gas prices, design services being a luxury not a necessity, trying to compete with more desperate workers who will undercut any reasonable quote so they can book 10 jobs in a day…none of them any good.

Today for example I am sitting here waiting for the mailman to bring me a check for a job completed weeks ago. Oh & I found these two posts on Craigslist today (complete with typos!)

If you have an edger and can cut my grass and little by little improve my lawn and can start saturday, please leave your phone number.
I want to pay 50.00 per month for 2 visits per month.
• Location: westwood


310-659-**** THANKS FOR CALLING. 10 $ PER HOUR
• Location: beverly hills

I recognize that the services I offer are a bit more artistic but this is the kind of thing I am up against!

To add insult to injury, I submitted myself for an on-air job & HGTV that, sorry, I would be perfect for (“big personality, gardening knowledge, ability to turn trash into treasure!”) They wouldn’t even let me READ!

Who knows? Maybe I’ll go back to cosmetics! Its really like landscape design for the face!

OMG this is one of the most pathetic pity parties I have ever thrown! And the centerpieces are awful too!


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