Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Friday, September 29, 2006

"Do I Make You A Little Horny?"

So reads the brillianly worded email of 52 yr old Rep. MARK FOLEY, Republican Congressman from Florida to an unidentified 16 yr. old former male page! Foley was forced to resign today when this & other sexually explicit emails where discovered by ABC news. The Best part is that the "Closet-Case-Congressman" was Co-chair of the Missing & Exploited Children's Caucus! You cannot make this stuff up!

Speaking of Closet-cases, Former New Jersey Governor, Jim "McCreepy" stood up
DAVID LETTERMAN last night! After agreeing to read the Top 10 List, McCreepy failed to show & didn't even call I know he's new to the whole M2M dating thing but that's just rude!! Maybe he had second thoughts after he saw a copy of what Letterman wanted him to read...he should have done it, it's hysterical!

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Jim McGreevey’s Book.”The Confession” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/28).

10) “The Day I Got Caught Governing Myself.”

9) “How To Pretend To Like Girls For 47 Years.”

8) “From Schwarzenegger to Pataki: Governors I’d Like to Oil Up.”

7) “Another Confession – I Can’t Resist Entenmann’s Pound Cake.”

6) “At First I Just Thought I Was Bipartisan.”

5) “The New Jersey Budget Crisis – What Would Judy Garland Do?”

4) “A Look At The Governor’s Balls.”

3) “Politicians Who Left A Bad Taste In My Mouth.”

2) “How To Push Through A Bill – Or A Steve Or A Larry...”

1) “Why I Don’t Like Bush.”

Poor shy LINDSAY LOHAN! Desperate to quell rumours that she & BF HARRY MORTON have called it quits, booked a table for lunch at an out-of-the-way little cafe called THE IVY (!!!!!) And, can you believe the place was swarming with papparazzi who just happened to get a shot or two of the duo!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

T.O. O.D.? N.O.!

I just wanted to see what it felt like to be a headline writer for THE NEW YORK POST
I can't wait to see what they do with the Terrel Owens over-dose story!

Hey KATIE COURIC You're still not listening to me, darlin' Yes, you fired your makeup artist like I told you... but what's up with the hair? Still trying for the "serious jouranlist" look? OK fine, but at least get a diferent wardrobe stylist Almost all your on-air ensemble has been awful That black turtle-neck with the charcoal blazer tonight was fine But if the jacket doesn't fit (AGAIN!!!) Then don't button it! At least the new set is terrific! Thank God you're not still on the TODAY show! Their new set looks like "GOOD MORNING TOPEKA!" or a Doctor's office waiting room in a double-wide trailer! You have to see it to believe it! Maybe they had to pay MEREDITH VIERA so much they had no $$ left for a set!??

Speaking of truly awful hair...ELLEN DEGENERES! I do love Ellen, but she's just returned from summer vacation looking like a kid who had a run-in at camp with the "CRAFT SCISSORS" Sad, just sad!

But not as sad as the tawdry drama surrounding Anna Nicole Smith! Now there is a battle over the paternity of her newborn baby girl, Danilynn. Former photgrapher boyfriend, LARRY BIRKHEAD, says the baby is his, while a very-out-of-it HOWARD K STERN ANS's attorney claimed on LARRY KING LIVE! that the child is his! Birkhead has demanded a paternity test!
This story is FAR from over!

Am I the only one who had to look away from STEVE IRWIN's Widow, Terri's, interview with BARBARA WALTERS?? I'm so sorry she "lost her prince!" really I am, but she's not JACKIE KENNEDY for Christ's sake! After the Irwin's daughter, BINDY SUE's moving & upbeat eulogy of her dad at last weeks public memorial we should have just left it alone!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Soon to Be A Major Motion Picture***


Did you hear the one about the nurse who wreaked her revenge on her high school nemesis? Seems one North Carolina anesthesiologist, Sally Jordan Hill was still a tad bitter at Sandra Baker Joyner (all Southern women are required to use three names) for stealing her high school boyfriend. The wound had festered for almost 30 years. But "every dog has her day" (sorry Ms. Hill) The still-pretty-but-ever-vain Ms.Joyner decided to get a little work done and scheduled a facelift. She did not recognize the nurse administering the anesthesia (who HAD put on a little "Post-Prom Weight!!!) Oh but the nurse recognized her! And as quickly as you can "count to ten, backwards!" Ms. Joyner was rendered permanently unconscious. God rest her soul! You cannot make this stuff up!! If a writer had submitted this as a script they would have been laughed out of the office. Some studio executive would have said, "Oh, LIKE THAT could EVER happen!"
I know some crafty producer is winging their way to Charlotte right now to sew up the film rights!! This would be a great vehicle for BETTE MIDLER & GOLDIE HAWN as a follow up to THE FIRST WIVES CLUB but sadly its too late in the day! REESE WITHERSPOON would be great in the "pretty, perky, victim" role but she's too young I think! I'd vote for JODIE FOSTER as the dead woman & the funniest actress in show business,
JENNIFER COOLIDGE in the (permanent) "NIGHT NURSE" role It can only work as a comedy... Its too sad otherwise!
This shit is HEATHERS, MEAN GIRLS & COMA all rolled into one!

89 Shopping Days til Christmas!!

Doesn't THAT just make your day??

It seems my beloved mentor, MARTHA STEWART feels a bit threatened by that "Oprah-Upstart, RACHAEL RAY. There's been so much buzz about RR that Martha allegedly sent spies to a taping of Rachael's show! However Rachael's audience coordinator used to work for Martha (is it even possible to ever leave Ms Stewart's employ?) recognized the treacherous pair & had them REMOVED from the audience. The explanation being that they had given false names & had to be removed for security reasons! Damn! I love this crap! I do like RR's new show but think she should stick to cooking she's not REALLY a lifestyle guru like Martha (& me)

And you know what?... speaking of TV, I've changed my mond & I'm not even going to give that STUDIO 60 On The Sunset Strip show another shot.Now that I think about it even the title is one in Los Angeles ever says "the Strip" anymore. Life is too short to waste watching things that aren't really entertaining or edifying somehow Or at least full of "eye candy" which S60 is decidedly NOT!

I've mentioned this before but forget OSCAR, EMMY, TONY etc the real reward for an actress is to have a ROSE named after her. And there are beautiful specimens named for WHOPPI GOLDBERG, DOLLY PARTON, AMY GRANT, JUDY GARLAND (see pic of my very own JG Bush (!!!) its yellow with orange trim & gorgeous! Usually the developing nursery will inform the performer that a new hybrid has been created & would they like to be so honored! BARBRA STREISAND of course is the exception She had to be "involved" in the process from start to finish & had to try the various seedling samples in her own garden! The result is a purplish-mauve flower that hardly seems worth all the drama Some people just wouldn't feel alive if they were always being a complete pain in the ass!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Author! Author!

Apparently the Big Networks have been trying to convince us that the geniuses from BIG BROTHER & the Mental Giants from SURVIVOR (MENSA Tribe, anyone?) "fly without a net" i.e. every brilliant utterance from these bright reality TV Stars comes directly from the contestants themselves...there isn't really a script & so there aren't really any writers... therefore the networks are not obligated by any contracts with the WGA (Writer's Guild of America)& can pay whatever they wish. (What nut is smaller than "peanuts"??)

The WGA sees things a bit differently! And staged a protest today down Beverly Blvd.
Being a writer, I, of course, support the WGA, as did the many folks driving by & honking their horns. I think many of the FAIRFAX DISTRICT merchants would have too, had they understood what was going on. The fun for me was trying to explain to "Lena" from "Bella's Beauty" Salon & "Jae-ling" from "Fancy Nails" the concept of REALITY TV, PROTEST vs. STRIKE, & the Fable that you can actually make money from Writing! I felt like SALLY FIELD in NORMA RAE

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

In The Jungle, the Mighty Jungle...

So I go to Beverly Hills today for my bi-annual BOTOX visit. The famous plastic surgeon says, very kindly, "I don't know how much longer this is going to work for you, you may want to consider a brow lift!!" Can someone please call the poor beleagured POPE & see if suicide is still a sin???

While walking down Bedford Drive I see the above vanity plate. Could it really be EMINEM's (Real Name: Marshall Mathers) Mother's car??? Maybe but it didn't seem all that "pimp" as the kids say.

One great thing about the unbearable heat wave LOS ANGELES endured this summer is that we seem to be in a "second spring" My jasmine has re-blossomed and my plantain (Small bananna) tree has gone WILD!

Did you watch THE CLASS last night? I really liked it! Its like FRIENDS but darker, sadder some how...more like LIFE!
Not sure I like STUDIO 60 On The Sunset Strip..And judging by the ratings I am not alone! It did OK but lost quite a number of viewers in its 2nd half hour..NOT a good sign I'll reserve my judgement til I see it again

Monday, September 18, 2006

Money Doesn't Buy Class

I cannot wait to see CBS's new comedy, THE CLASS premiering tonight. If for no other reason than to see the fabulous BROADWAY legend,JULIE HALSTON
(AND Gay icon & former STAR SEARCH Winner, SAM HARRIS) BUT someone in the Marketing Department at CBS should re-think their campaign! Someone thought it was a great idea to have various cutie-pies in T shirts holding balloons & passing out fliers on the corner of FAIRFAX & BEVERLY (OK so far...) However there were also BIG DOGS (& I mean BIG) of various breeds (Great Danes, Mastiffs etc.) roaming the same corner, covered in some kind of doggie-apron that read: THE CLASS, too. Maybe there is some kind of tie-in, but where I come from, "BIG DOG" is not the way to promote a new show that you hope will be a hit!!

I heard that LINDSAY LOHAN was selling her condo in the celebrity-filled Sierra Towers on Sunset Blvd. But does the above photo look like its worth $2.9 million?????

MY deepest sympathies to MARISKA HARGITAY & her brothers & family on the death of their beloved dad, MICKEY HARGITAY (who I just wrote about last week & who died on Thursday) One consulation is that Mick must be so happy to be with his late wife, JAYNE MANSFIELD in Heaven! Rest In Peace Mickey!

Thursday, September 14, 2006


The big story here in L.A today is the announcement of a new book by ANTHONY PELICANO associate PAUL BARESSI This is the ultimate tell all by a guy who really knows where all the bodies are buried in this town. One of the jucier bits leaking out(!!) tells the tale of TOM CRUISE's alleged love of wrestling with a...well, let the gentleman known as BIG RED tell you exactly what it is he does:

RED: I am self-employed. I work as an actor, a porn star and escort, a massage therapist and I do bartending and sometimes dancing and stripping in shows. I travel quite a bit, as an escort, around the world, and I do floral arrangements.

Is that not priceless!? I now see where I so tragically went wrong! I should have specialized in "floral arrangements" NOT Gardening!

Anyway... Check out this link to read more about it & see a photo of BIG RED
He does bear a resemblence to a certain OSCAR winning actress though, doesn't he?
Also read about the other stars he's done "floral arrangements" for!!
Hollywood Interrupted

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

A dreary day in L.A town, ugh!

Sooo despite my vehement protest it looks like Jim (Closet-Case) McGreevey will be joining JOAN RIVERS on her new BRAVO gossip (!!) show
This from LOGO BLOGS:
Today, New York Post gossip maven Cindy Adams reports that she's heard from Joan Rivers, and it looks like (almost, kind of) that McGreevey's a "go" on the project. Adams reports that right now, the show it to be called Straight Talk (get it?) and that it’s being groomed for a January debut, and it would be a weekly series, following the Wednesday-night airings of Project Runway. Evidently, Rivers had to really coax McGreevey into considering doing the show. She called and called, and they even met up at Rivers’ apartment and got along like old girlfriends. So, as Rivers tells Cindy: “The deal is he's our current events expert but won't do every single show. This you can understand since being on cable means, if he's lucky, he'll get $40 a week."

So, it’s looking like McGreevey’s gonna have an even busier public life very soon. Watch out Lance & Reichen!

A speedy recovery to MICKEY HARGITAY (I heard him prayed for at Church on Sunday!)
This guy is the original American character. In addition to being a champion, world- class body builder He was married to JAYNE MANSFIELD and is the father of MARISKA HARGITAY pic above)If you ever get a chance to see the MOW: THE JAYNE MANSFIELD STORY starring (not kiddig!) LONI ANDERSON as Jayne & ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER as Mickey; its a hoot!!
TheJayneMansfield story
To top it all off, for years Mickey has owned & operated one of TheGayGardener's favorite nurseries in Hollywood Really great plants & garden decor at very reasonable prices!! MickeyHargitayPlants

Didn't you just KNOW that the ANNA NICOLE tragedy wouldn't be a simple case of a young life sadly ended before its time or an all-too-common OD story? Nope this is shaping up to be yet another installment in the soap opera that is Smith's life!
I wonder if the film rights have been optioned yet??

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Every Word is "TRU"!

As unlikely as it seems, yet another film about TRUMAN CAPOTE is heading to theaters!
This one called INFAMOUS stars a very brave TOBY JONES following in the OSCAR winning footsteps of PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN. The one exciting (???) difference is that this film addresses Tru's relationship with his "swans". These were his coterie of fabulous New York socialites & jet-setting society ladies. This is a huge risk as the actresses playing these roles are bound to be compared to the actual women & found wanting. There is a photo by Sheila Metzner in this month's VANITY FAIR showing Toby as Truman with SIGOURNEY WEAVER as Babe Paley, HOPE DAVIS as (Lady) Slim Keith & ISABELLA ROSSELLINI as Marella Agnelli. Just compare the pic of the real Babe Paley with the one of Sigourney. That dress makes her look as if she's trying out for the FULLBACK position for The OAKLAND RAIDERS. She looks shockingly like JESSICA WALTER from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT too! I do NOT have high hopes!

I really have to give TheGayGardener's BIGBALLS Award to TUCKER CARLSON! I do not know what posessed this political pundit & journalist to appear on DANCING WITH THE STARS
but even if it is a public career suicide The guy has guts! Having just watched the show I really hope he makes it to the next round! Sitting down on a chair while your more talented dancing partner prances around you is one of the oldest tricks in the book, but he did finally get up & attempt some sort of moves!

Speaking of VANITY FAIR this is one of those months where you can actually read it cover to cover. There's a great article on Katherine Hepburn & (bisexual!!??) SPENCER TRACEY. Pick it up!! There's some un-married celebrity couple & their Asian baby on the cover...I forget their names.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Turn, Turn, Turn

I extend my deepest sympathies to ANNA NICOLE SMITH on the tragic loss of her beloved 20 year old son. Details are still coming in, but reports say that Daniel Smith died while with his mother; who had just given birth 3 days ago to a baby girl in the Bahamas. No cause of death has been released. Just when it seemed her luck was changing & nothing was left to stand in the way of her inheriting hundreds of millions from the estate of her late husband,(thanks to an historic U.S Supreme Court decision) this tragedy befalls her. You're in my prayers, doll.

Can you believe TOM WOPAT the dark-haired half of the THE DUKES OF HAZZARD turned 55 this past weekend?? I, of course am much too young to have seen that show in its original run (!!) but he & partner JOHN SCHNEIDER were so young & so hot on that show its stunning to think that over 30 years could possibly have passed.
Keep on Truckin' Tom!

"To everything, there is a season, turn, turn, turn!" - The Byrds

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Where Were You?

Today marks 5 years since the tragedy of September 11th. I'm sure every American can tell you where they were when they heard the awful news. It was before dawn here in Los Angeles when my phone rang. One of my co-workers was telling me to put on the T.V. we had just been attacked! I was sure she was over-reacting. But when I put on the TODAY show to see a 2nd plane crash into the 2nd tower of The World Trade Center I knew nothing would ever be the same. Before I was TheGayGardener I was director of a cosmetics company in Beverly Hills. So I began to pray aloud & headed for work, sure in the knowledge that the world was ending, but that at least I would die in Beverly Hills. Thankfully, as we know, there were no further attacks. I knew my days at the makeup company were numbered when my boss (Estee'Lauder meets Cruella Deville) insisted on being one of the very few companies or stores to remain open. Not only that, but we had a screaming match on the street after she told me she was going to have her "hair done" at a nearby salon. When she asked me what exactly I thought was wrong with that? I responded that I was "quite sure that when the Japanese were bombing Pearl Harbor, my Grandmother wasn't having a blow-out!!"
HOLLYWOOD is NOT like anyplace else!
May God grant eternal rest to all those poor souls who died that awful day. And may He give peace & joy & love & long lives to all those heroes, sung & unsung, who risked their lives for all of us!

While we remember 9/11, the studios would like to forget this past weeknd's box office which was the worst in three years. I did not see THE COVENANT which was not available to critics for pre-screening (ALWAYS a bad sign!) I did see HOLLYWOODLANDwhich came in #2 I did enjoy it for its "noir" atmosphere but thought it overly long (at 2+ hours) and rather self reverential about such a thin, if mostly true, Hollywood story. I would recommend it for the terrific performances by BEN AFFLECK who won Best Actor at the Venice Film Festival & the always interesting & lovely, DIANE LANE

I don't know whats up with this as I ususally don't follow auto trends. But if driving around Hollywood is any indication, this is going to be THE CAR TO HAVE!(See pic above)
Leaving a party on Sunset Blvd last month I noticed this cool Toyota SUV. Since then, I have seen on average 10 per day in various Los Angeles locations & in multiple colors. I love it!!!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Thank You Brangelina!

"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," -Brad Pitt
A Thank You Note to Brad & Angelina:
Thank you so much for your support of Gay Marriage!! I know that you have taken a page from CHARLIZE & STUART & I really appreciate your willingness to postpone your own personal happiness in order to stand in solidarity with people like me, who wish to be afforded the right to marry those we love & to enjoy all of the legal benefits that go along with those rights! But having said that, I plead with you both to go forward with your vows! Brad! I beg you to marry the mother of your children! The Neocons & the far right & the Republican party will only use you, the way they have used the gay community & the issue of the right to marry as a subertufuge & a distraction from their incompetence in governing & their failed policies (particularly the botched war on terror!) We need more married couples with children, more conventionally normal people who follow the rules & pay the taxes to stand wih us! As long as you subvert marriage & a more convential way of life you do us in the gay community, more of a diservice. They can then lump gay people with all those crazy Hollywood folks with their loose morals, group sex, or whatever perverted brush they choose to paint us with!
If any couple needed & deserved to be married its You & Angelina, Brad! Do NOT throw yourself under the bus for us!!
Thanks anyway!

Now that they have arrested PARIS HILTON on suspicion of DUI when will they bring charges against her for that album she released last month??? Justice may be blind but I guess she's deaf too!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

' Mo From N.O.

Just got these pics back from my Labor day trip to New Orleans. I still cannot say enough good things about this fabled city. You MUST go! In addition to the frivolity of "the quarter" the landscaping of the lovely homes there is stunning! You would never know the destructive KATRINA ever came near these places! Perfect place to be GAY and a GARDENER!!

Love the shot of the fabulous SHIRLEY Q. LIQUOR Keep an eye out for this gal she's going to be HUGE! (no pun intended!)

Ran into the beautiful & hilarious JENNIFER COOLIDGE star of the hysterical BEST IN SHOW and the upcoming For Your Consideration! God knows who I was calling on that cell phone. Clearly I been touched by a "hurricane" or two & that water retention problem I'm having continues unabated!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A Tale of Two Katies

A Tale of Two Katies

“A” for effort Katie! I’m sure the numbers were huge for Katie Couric’s debut as the anchor of the CBS Evening News
And gee! It was good to see ya! You know I’m your biggest fan (see archived gossip pages at ) but I do have a few notes:

RELAX! I know it was your "first time" but you've done this before (sorta!)
BLINK! Some mean wag said it was your Botox but I think it was nerves that gave
that gave you that wide-eyed look.
SLOW DOWN! Or do fewer stories. You were racing so fast I thought that the late
Crocodile Hunter was being named Head of the FORD Motor Co.
MOVE! That in-studio interview with The New York Times writer was awkward& confusing. You were wearing the same clothes, but the interview was
taped. The reporter was leaning in so far toward you, I feared he would
fall! Go back to sitting on the left-hand side as you did on TODAY! or
better yet, do the interviews at the Anchor desk
FIRE! your stylist!! You looked sloppy in the opening shot because that jacket
was ill-fitting & gaping AND WHITE??? After Labor Day??? And that lipgloss
made you look like you had a touch of Bells' palsey.
You deserve better & CBS can afford it!

Loved: The Set, The "Suri Photos" Scoop & You! Welcome Back!

Speaking of the VANITY FAIR Suri Cruise Photos… sadly, I think they’ll only fan the freaky flames (!!) of the Tom Cruise/Kate(formerly Katie!) Holmes Circus Act. The kid looks older than 4 months, extremely ASIAN, and radically different from photo to photo…ugh!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Labor Day in NOLA

Just back from a wonderful weekend in New Orleans. I swear that if every man, woman & child in the U.S visited New Orleans for a weekend, spent some time eating in its world-class restaurants, shopping in its amazing antique shops or just taking in its beautiful homes & gardens, LA wouldn’t even need help from the feds. It’s such a special place, we as a people & a culture cannot afford to lose it.

I highly recommend staying in a wonderful B&B in the Garden District called, TERRELL HOUSE. Exactly the kind of place that Julia Sugerbaker & the DESIGNING WOMEN girls would have loved!

And if you’ve never checked out drag’s next great superstar, SHIRLEY Q LIQUOR click on this Youtube link & prepare to weep with laughter Shirley Q Liquor
Shirley Q rocked the quarter with 2 sold out shows at the Southern Decadence Festival…hilarious!

Scratch any old airport these days & you’re likely to find some celebrity. Especially since everybody’s equal in this post 09/11 world as we all stand barefooted, dehydrated & makeup-less in the cold glaring light of airport security clearance. Ran into “Oscar nominated” Actress, MARY MCDONNELL in the Southwest Airlines Phoenix to Los Angeles line (I was an “A” poor Mary a “B”) I still love her for her short-lived sit-com, HIGH SOCIETY which also starred Jean Smart as the duo bravely tried to replicate the magic of AB-FAB to no avail.

Hope you all had a restful weekend!

“One last caress…it’s time to dress for Fall!”
-Michel Legrand “The Summer of ‘42”