Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Queen of Hearts

Nine years ago tonight I was watching TV & NBC's BRIAN WILLIAMS interrupted with a SPECIAL REPORT. I always thought that Mr. Williams (Not even Anchor yet in this Brokaw era) was very handsome, so I paid attention. BW was saying that an announcement was imminent from Buckingham Palace & that the news was expected to be "grave" Great! I thought. The Queen Mum died (she was 90 something then) and there goes the whole weekend! Well we all know what that announcement actually was.
That the Princess of Wales, formerly H.R.H. Diana, Princess of Wales, was dead. So close on the heels of "John-John" I could not take this news in. I still can't.
Pregnant? No! Drunk driver? Yes! Engaged? Doubtful! All the tawdry details that are even now still emerging mean so little. This beautiful young woman is still dead & I still feel sad about it! And is it too gay to regret that this fashion icon should have to be buried in a borrowed dress? Yes, due to her "holiday" Diana had nothing suitable to wear & was buried in a dress loaned from Madame Chirac, wife of the President of France! Merde!

And the irony that that "other woman" who caused her such pain, should live to take the throne that should have been hers, is too much to bear. The only possible divine & just intervention would be that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, like her great grandmother before her, Victoria, would live to a ripe old age & thus deny her son & his wife their reign, however brief. And we can look toward the day when Great Britian is ruled by that handsome young man who is the image of his mother, and say with fervor, "God Save the King, William V"

On a related, but much lighter note, the follwing quote captures the brilliance of the writing on the funniest show on televsion, THE OFFICE:"I never really thought about death til Princess Diana died!" That was the saddest funeral EVER! That & my sister's!!"

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"The Gays Have The Money!"

I overheard the above quote on a street in Hollywood today! I must say that I like the modifier "the" in front of "gays" that's so in vogue now. It gives us more of a protected true minority status, like "the Jews", "the blacks" etc.

Speaking of G-A-Y!!! Check out the pic from this week's National Enquirer!!! Oh brother!! Those are some "friendly skies" that JOHN TRAVOLTA flies in! Maybe this is some sort of official Scientology greeting between men & we shouldn't read too much into it! HAH! I have long heard that Scientology has a "treatment" for "curing" homosexuality & hence its popularity among certain actors in Hollywood. Looks like the cure didn't take!!
Did "The Boy in The Plastic Bubble" not realize it was transparent??

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Failure To Yield

I love this town! 2 months ago I got a ticket for a moving violation. So I spent most of the day taking the on-line traffic school class. 5 hours out of my day & I'm only half way done. But it's better than having your insurance premiums increase! A few months after I moved to L.A I got my very first ticket for making a "U-turn in A Business District" (in front of Gucci in Beverly Hills) The cop was so nice & so handsome that I really didn't mind at all. He told me about traffic school which I had never heard of. In the pre-computer days though you actually had to sit in a classroom for 8 hours. I went to the DMV to get a list of "approved" traffic schools, (that must be a scintillating audition process) Anyway the traffic school I chose was (I am NOT kidding) F.A.G.S.!! Which stood for: Finally A Gay (traffic) School!! Even better I showed up on the appointed day to find that the instructor was a comedian named ANT (one name, like Cher) who graduted to bigger things with NBC's "Last Comic Standing" & whom you may know as the host of "Celebrity Fit Club" As CINDY ADAMS would say (if she lived on this coast) "Only in L.A kids, only in L.A."

So the numbers are out for sales of PARIS HILTON'S CD called, oddly enough, PARIS! featuring the single, "Stars Are Blind"
Unfortunately only 75,000 discs were sold in its first week. I heard that these are not actual retail sales but that the HILTON Corporation bought them to replace the bibles in their hotel rooms! Darling deluded Paris, Stars may be Blind, but music lovers aren't deaf!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

The "Wails" of August

I join the folks at THE SILENT MOVIE THEATRE on Fairfax in sending good wishes to SUZANNE PLESHETTE who is battling lung cancer. No actress ever got more out of a 2 line greeting ("Hi Bob!") than she!

Speaking of silent films always reminds me of LILLIAN GISH. Miss Gish was an amazing actress & a lovely woman who made over 80 films in her 99 years including the first great epic: THE BIRTH OF A NATION. She was one of only a handful of silent film actresses to make the transistion to "talkies" successfully. On her very last film, "The Whales of August" she had the pleasure (??) of working with BETTE DAVIS.

After a particularly moving take the cast & crew rushed Miss Gish to compliment her.
And good old Bette barked: "Of course her close-up was great! She was there when they invented them!"

Is it just me or does anyone else find it a bit depressing that the strongest candidate to succeed the SON of one president is the WIFE of another president?!
Is this why we fought the war for Independence from the British monarchy?

I think that after he is sentenced for his crimes in California that creep JOHN KARR should be required to reimburse the American people for this charade he perpetrated AND be forced to buy a "King Prawns & Chardonnay Dinner" for every person living in the U.S.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

There's No People Like Show People!!!!


**Favorite Red Carpet Moment:
NANCY O'DELL Asking the oft-nominated-but never winning, Annette Benning if she'd like an Emmy to go with her OSCAR?? An incredulous Mrs. Warren Beatty responding, "You mean HIS Oscar?? RESEARCH much, Nancy?

**Favorite BALLSY "with a Capital B" Moment:
CONAN O'BRIEN'S game musical number mocking NBC as a parody of "Trouble" from The Music Man. You go "Conebone"

**Favorite NOSTALGIA Moment:
The ORIGINAL Charlie's Angels: Kate, Jackie & Farah in the Aaron Spelling Tribute
I LOVED these Women!!! And damn I think they look fabulous! I mean, theY're 180 yrs old between them.

**Favorite "Stole My Thunder" Moment:
I reeeallly wanted to write something about the CANDY vs. TORI feud because its the juciest Hollywood cat fight since Mamma Rose slugged it out with her daughter Gypsy! But they both seemed so genuinely moved at the A.S tribute my heart's not in it!

**Least Favorite Moment:
TONY SHALOUB winning (again!) for Monk! Heeeeeello!!! Can the three people who've seen this show explain this to me!

**Most Torturous Use of the English Language Moment:
STEPHEN COLLINS' speech in the Spelling Tribute where the actor actually called Mr. Spelling a "gentle mogul" who made "television that TASTED good!"

**Favorite "The Bitch is Back" Moment:
JOAN COLLINS literally shoving aside her partners; the above Mr. Collins & a bemused but shocked HEATHER LOCKLEAR

**Favorite Off-Camera Moment:
LESLIE JORDAN winning an EMMY for his terrific turn as "Beverly Leslie" on Will & Grace If you've never seen SORDID LIVES Starring Mr.Jordan & an amazing cast, do yourself a favor & rent it!

**Favorite Famous Quote I was reminded of more than once tonight:

"Whatever it was that this actress never had, she still hasn't got it!"

-Bosley Crowther on Loretta Young

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The Tax Man Cometh!

You've no doubt heard the term "swag" which refers to the unbelievable "goodie bags" that are given to celebrities during award shows or the bling that the stars chose themselves at gifting suites. The I.R.S last month determined that these items are taxable. And since some of these treats can run in the tens of thousands of dollars it can put quite a strain on the (FREE! PRADA!) Pocketbook of some of Hollywood personalities:

"I am feeling guiltily gluttonous", TIA CARRERE told The Los Angeles Times. "The big question on everybody's mind is, are we going to pay taxes? I probably shouldn't say this, it sounds so whiny, but we pay so much already, why should we pay more?

"My BIG question is not Ms. Carrere's tax liability but her actual source of income? Somebody remind me why she's famous, again??

Friday, August 25, 2006

HOORAY FOR HOLLYW...oh, skip it!

Quick! name last year's Emmy winner for Best Actress in a Comedy? Bet you can't! I'd even have to look it up (Patricia Heaton, maybe??)It's not that I don't care about excellence in the performing arts, I do. But the arcane nominating system of The T.V Academy is so nonsensical & insane you almost expect Florida Rep. KATHERINE HARRIS to come out to the podium & declare the winner!

How else to explain the lack of a nomination for EDIE FALCO? She never hits a false note as Carmella! Or what about DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES nomination for Best COMEDY series last year? Thank God it didn't win & was not even nominated this year, but really, when was the last time you even chuckled at that show, let alone laughed out loud? Ever?

The big bruhaha this year is over ELLEN BURSTYN'S Nomination for her role in the HBO film, MRS.HARRIS. Want to know how small the part was? The character doesn't even have a name! She's simply "Ex-Lover #3"!! And some calculations have her screen time at under 3 minutes! If anyone can make magic in less than 3 minutes it's Ms. Burstyn! But this is likely a case of Emmy Voters (who ARE these people??? ) just scanning the ballot & choosing familiar names.

Since FOOTBALLER'S WIVES cannot be nominated, I'm rooting for GREY'S ANATOMY, that show just sucks you in! And it's worth it just to watch SANDRA OH. And though I am so happy to have the very funny JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS back on television, I hope that LISA KUDROW wins for THE COMEBACK. The show only lasted one season but LK's performance was scarily brilliant!

So of course I'll watch Sunday's show. And having been to the Emmy broadcast a few times let me tell you, it's so much better at home. The actual event is excrutiatingly watching paint dry!

All this reminds me of what my old friend, CHARLES NELSON REILLY used to say:

"Television is like a butterfly're sure that it happens but nobody actually sees it!"

Pluto, We Hardly Knew Ye!!

Seems TOM CRUISE isn't the only wee celestial body in the galaxy to be dumped this week. The International Astronomical Union (I bet those dues are high!) meeting in Prague voted to demote PLUTO to a sub-category insultingly called "dwarf-planet" I guess because the word "midget" is not p.c. Apparently "size matters" even in the heavens.

Speaking of T.C. a friend sent me this cell phone pic saying that the Scientologists released a brain-washing gas called "Xenu27" over Los Angeles today in retaliation for Paramount's public dressing down of The Dianetic Apostle. But it looks like plain old L.A. smog to me!

If you don't have BBC America please call your cable operator today & get it! The Best show on Television is, without a doubt,FOOTBALLER'S WIVES The Photo above of BEN RICHARDS who plays Bruno Milligan is only the beginning. This show makes DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES look like dinner theatre.

I hear that a certain young starlet's summer romance might not even make it til Labor day, despite the fact that it appears to be made in (hamburger) heaven.
The trouble is that the starlet bats for the wrong team! Actually it's her lack of a "bat" that will prove to be the deal-breaker. What's a girl to do?

"I'm often glad that I'm not armed!" - MARGARET CHO

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Insomnia Has Its Benefits!


"This is going to be devastating to TOM CRUISE, with out the job how is he going to feed the fake baby?"

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

"One color, no more than two, no prints!"***

"But you can't just sit around 'Flogging' all day can you?" -Mrs. Trainer

A formidable woman my Mother...even if she gets some of the new, hipper words confused! Her children even call her Mrs Trainer! Of course I can't flog all day. To pay the rent I offer my services (!!) as TheGayGardener By Appointment. And let me tell you, I've performed so many landscape makeover miracles this summer I'm thinking of changing my name to "Charlie of Nazareth"! Happily my clients seem to really like my work (& the way I stretch their dollars!) Two of them just wrote a review for me on the Insider Pages which is sort of a "yellow pages written by friends". I'm re-doing a lovely balcony in Hollywood this week & as you can see the jeep is "loaded for bear!" (actually full of Bougainvillea)

Why do we give all notorious evil doers 3 names? Is it to distinguish them from anyone who might have a similar name? So any other John Karr(s) with a "k" won't be mistaken for the real freak, JOHN MARK KARR? Did it start with John Wilkes Booth or Lee Harvey Oswald? I mean was there a Lee "Myron" Oswald in Dallas at the same time?
Just wondering...

On a much, much lighter note...Congratulations to Superman BRANDON ROUTH on his engagement to Courtney Ford. All those lonely nights of seperation while Brandon was in Australia with Bryan Singer & Kevin Spacey for 5 months filming the Warner Bros hit, with only the telephone to keep them connected (Those Qantas flights ARE Expensive!) have certainly paid off! Best Wishes to you both!

***Jackie Onassis's Wardobe philosophy as told to Oleg Cassini

Revenge of The "Glib"!

That clinking sound you hear is the tipping of champagne glasses as Brooke Shields, Pat Kingsley & Matt Lauer toast the news announced today that Paramount is NOT renewing its contract with TOM CRUISE.
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Viacom Inc.'s Paramount Pictures unit is ending its 14-year relationship with Tom Cruise's film production company because of the actor's offscreen behavior, the company's chairman said in an interview with the Wall Street Journal. Sumner Redstone, Viacom chairman, said the behavior of the star of the "Mission: Impossible" series and "Top Gun" was unacceptable to the company, according to the Wall Street Journal story e-mailed to reporters. Cruise, one of Hollywood's biggest stars, has been known more recently for his antics on U.S. television talk shows, including jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch to declare his love for Katie Holmes and criticizing the use of antidepressant drugs. "As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal," Redstone was quoted as saying in the Wall Street Journal. "His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount
As someone who DOES "know the history of psychiatry" (& have the bills to prove it!) I cannot help but smile, well, OK smirk! Speaking of RISKY BUSINESS I hear that E! Entertainment is behaving less than generously to it's one & only gossip star, Ted Casablanca! Seems Ted, who FAR & AWAY has the most titilating yet truthful dish, has finally manged to piss off the wrong person with his "Blind" items starring one ubiquitous, diminutive, "Personality" This "Clairol Midget" has already held E! hostage until it rid itself of its last bright star, the hilarious KATHY GRIFFIN who went on to greater success & an EMMY Nomination this year. So E! if the choice is Ted vs. ANYONE else...pick Ted! And if anyone from BRAVO is listening (though they've yet to respond to my queries)instead of trolling the "Rogue's Gallery of Political Closet Cases", or scanning around your Executive dining room looking for talent on your new "Can We Dish?" Show, Snap Ted up! Or better yet ME & Ted!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Its The End of The World..." ***

Tired of "All JonBenet All the Time"? Queasy about the carnage in Iraq? Had it up to here with Hezbollah & Israel? Do what I do! Put Down That Mouse & Step away from the computer! Let your calls go to voicemail & Get Outside!! Take a walk, ride a bike, or do something creative! Get you hands dirty! Container gardening could not be easier all you need is a (duh!) container... a pot, a bucket, anything that can hold dirt & water (I know there's a joke here) some soil & a plant or a few seeds. Check out the 99 Cents Store. For $10 bucks you can re-create EDEN! Forget amusement parks, 99 Cents Stores are truly the happiest place on earth.

The little Zen tableau above costs around $50. The chest I redeemed from the dumpster (Dumpster Redeemer has a nice ring to it, no?) The Buddha was on sale @ Cost Plus & all the succulents came from, you guessed it, the 99 Cents Store. So if you immerse yourself in a little nursery project like this you'll soon forget all about Iran & their pesky nuclear testing or whatever 11 O'clock News Nightmare that's bringing you down, trust me.

My favorite quote of the day comes from Australian World Champion swimmer,
Ian Thorpe who has recently moved to California:

In a interview on FOXTEL TV Thorpe said that "although he moved to L.A to aviod media scrutiny and get some privacy, that hasn't happened, and paparazzi await his every move!"

Ian, bless your little Aussie heart, moving to Los Angeles to avoid media scrutiny is like moving to ITALY to avoid CARBS! But I for one am thrilled you're here.

Oh & is it awful to ask... would Whitney Houston really have been any worse off as one of Osama bin Laden's wives than she has been as MRS. BOBBY BROWN?

"Its the end of the world as we know it...& I feel Fine!" R.E.M

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Stars Are Just Like Us!!

They try to unload all their crap before they move too...the only difference is that they hire professionals to conduct the sales, they sell the remaining inventory of their personally designed jewelry collection from HSN or QVC & the used car with nearly 90,000 miles that they're selling was only used by the maid or nanny & never actually touched by the celebrity themselves!

Celebrity Estate Sale "DOOL fans are welcomed

Reply to: see below
Date: 2006-08-19, 2:19AM PDT

Sale is Sat. & Sun. August 19th & 20th 9am-5pm 215 Strada Corta off copa
de Oro & Sunset.

Lots of Furniture, Gorgeous rugs, Antiques,May Tag washer and Dryer still
under warranty, $600 pair. Lots of electronics,chests,Designer Gowns,
petite clothing & shoes Gorgeous Armoire, phyfe tables chinoise chippendale
chairs, fabulous sofa, leather sofa with queen pull out bed. Car for
sale Red Volvo 850 turbo wagon with third row seat, Leather interior.
89,000mi front airbags, excellent motor well maintained service only
by volvo dealers. Ask 6,900.00 kelly blue book 7,450.00

Don't miss this amazing sale.

this is in or around In Bel Air

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Happy Birthday Baby Suri!!!!

Happy Birthday to Little Suri Cruise
who turns four months old today, August 18th!
And though only her Scientolgist Godmothers, LEAH (Remini) PENELOPE (Cruz) & JADA (Pinkett-Smith)have seen her...I believe in you BABY SURI! And cannot wait til your VANITY FAIR cover next month!

An Open Letter to BRAVO & Joan Rivers:

Please, oh please, tell me that the rumors circling on "the internets" are not true! Surely a network like BRAVO, a pioneer in Gay Televison, & JOAN RIVERS who started out performing her act in coffee houses & gay clubs in New York would not be a party to the disastrous casting choices being reported on DEFAMER & PAGE SIX

I do love the idea of CAN WE DISH?Joan & a trio from my tribe sitting around gossiping sounds like a fun alternative to the now played-out,THE VIEW And, admittedly, I am just a tad bitter to have not been given the chance to audition; but putting that aside; you cannot seriously be considering hiring the former Governor of New Jersey, James McGreevey. While I applaud the courage it must have taken to finally come out of the clsoet after 47 years & 2 marriages, I abhor the lionizing of Mr. McGreevey as some sort of gay hero! He was NOT forced from office because he was gay (he never gave his constituents an opportunity to consider that) He was forced to resign because of a sordid scandal involving the unethical hiring of his then, shall we say, companion.
A younger Israeli gentleman who was put on the state payroll by the Governor as a "Homeland Security Terrorism Consultant" despite having no experience as such & who was not even a U.S. Citizen! The reason Mr. McGreevey came out when he did was to diffuse the extortion attempts being made by his younger paramour. Yes! It's an old story...but is there really such a dearth of talent out there that we need to make a celebrity out of this modern day Wilbur Mills ? I suggest having him on as a guest to plug his forthcoming book; but as a regular correspondent on a gossip show? Unseemly doesn't even begin to describe it.

And as for the idea of a Vice President of Programming auditioning for a show on his own network...?? Does the term "conflict of interest" mean nothing to you? Is ANDY COHEN even a member of AFTRA? I realize he's adorable but this stinks to high heaven!
And should you hire Andy for CAN WE DISH? Can I have his job as VP of Programming at BRAVO? I'm available

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

"A Head for business & a body for sin!"***

Woke up a little glum today & felt the desperate need to channel Dame Edna... so I went in search of some "glads" as the Dame would say! I found some but look what else I found...the lovely MELANIE GRIFFITH having lunch with 2 of her kids @ JOHNNY ROCKETS I gotta say, MEL looks great!! You cannot tell from these cell phone pics but NO ONE looks good in the hideous light of a high noon at THE GROVE...and yet she does! Thin, fit, and no swelling from any recent "procedures" She was nice to the staff & great with the kids. She actually even ate! OK not "An Original" JR burger just a salad, but still. I love the tattoo of "Antonio" on her arm! I tried to get a pic of that but she was with her kids & thats not cool!

***Spoken by "Tess McGill, played by MELANIE GRIFFITH in WORKING GIRL

"...And I'm Telling you, I'm Not Going..." ***

(Even if I were really invited!) I swear to God, Paris Hilton is like one of those "gopher-in-a-hole" games at a carnival. You wack it on the head with a mallet and it just pops back up in another hole!

*** Lyrics from the up-coming sure-to-be-a-smash Paramount Pictures'DREAMGIRLS Opening December 2006...Starring Beyonce' & AMERICAN IDOLS' Jennifer Hudson (about whom there is already "OSCAR" buzz!) I can't wait!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Saturday, August 12, 2006

"Hello Everybody! This is Mrs. Norman Maine!"***

Ok! So I like to be "fashionably late" to every party & that's why I am just now starting this blog! I mean I just stopped wearing my LANCE ARMSTRONG "Live Strong" yellow rubber bracelet yesterday. I've had my website for over 2 years now & have really loved it. Its been a great way to express myself from my little window on the world (Los Angeles) & correspond with so many wonderful gay folks, gardening enthusiasts, star-fuc****, and even my Mother who likes email "because its free!!"
But the drag of the website is that I can't even write "Zip" code, let alone html! So I've had to "rely on the kindess of strangers"...well, actually Peg R. my "web-girl" to translate what I write & then update the site. This whole process can take a month! And by this time your peonies have wilted & whatever new insight (or dirt) I have regarding "The Mad Mel In Malibu" affair are completely dated. So hence: this blog!
Please indulge me as I don; know how long it will take to get this "Off & Running" (I love "Sordid Lives!") But what I eventually would like to have is a place I can post every day that you could vivist & we can talk about gardening, celebrities, movies, relationships or whatever's on your mind!
Like Dr. Frasier Crane used to say: "I'm listening!"

Sweet Peas & Peace!

***Spoken by JUDY GARLAND in "A STAR IS BORN!"