Dear Mr Jackman

Wow! Now THAT was an OSCAR show!! Oh sure there’s that endless middle segment that last about three hours; where you could leave & repaint the den & not have missed anything. And there’s what 4? 5? Million commercials?? But hell! I have not enjoyed an Oscar telecast more than when I was a little boy & that long haired “streaker” ran across the screen & tried in vain to upstage DAVID NIVEN.

There were the usual fashion disasters: Jessica Biehl wearing a similar table cloth to Jennifer Hudson’s at the Grammys, Amy Adams blending perfectly into the red carpet she appeared as a floating head above it all, Miley Cyrus in her GLENDA number from WICKED, and of course BEYONCE but at least she has the excuse that her Mother made it! ARDENT PLEA FROM THEGAYGARDENER: I am sure your stylists told you this ladies but PLEASE can we RETIRE the one arm on the hip look forever??? It is so unnatural! O.K. maybe it makes your arm (singular!) look more toned & shows off the gown a wee bit better but seriously you all look like rejects from the VICTORIA BECKHAM MODELING SCHOOL! You too SOFIA!!

Christ! I know Sofia Loren is like 80 so c’mon. Honey, we know it’s a wig, & self tanner & veeners & duct tape…how about next year you show up in basic black with a little gray streaked in the wig just for authenticity?? But I do have to say I LOVED the old-timers; or say veterans, presenting the awards to the new nominees. MARION COTILLIARD was so convincing in her tribute to KATE WINSLET I wanted to give her ANOTHER OSCAR. I do wonder if SHIRLEY MacLaine has ever even met ANNE HATHAWAY but by & large I really bought it! It was rather…classy no?

But the main reason the show worked is that for the very first time they had a genuine MOVIE STAR as the host! A tall, drop dead gorgeous actor, who looks like he was born in a tuxedo, and oh, did I mention that he can SING & DANCE & ACT???? And if that wasn’t enough, he speaks in the sexiest accent on the damn globe- AUSTRALIAN!!! Yea. HUGH JACKMAN, Period! I would watch him if he was reading the proverbial Phone Book. Which is not to say I could sit through AUSTRALIA (the movie) but I want to now vote him OSCAR HOST FOR LIFE!!!

Dear Mr. Jackman,
I am writing this to you,
and I hope that you will read it so you'll know,
My heart beats like a hammer,
And I stutter and I stammer,
Every time I see you at the picture show.
I guess I'm just another fan of yours,
And I thought I'd write,
and tell you so.

You made me love you,
I didn't wanna do it, I didn't wanna do it,
You made me love you!
And all the time you knew it, I guess you always knew it.
You made me happy, sometimes, you made me glad.
But there were times, sir,
You made me feel so sad.
You made me sigh 'cause,
I didn't wanna tell you, I didn't wanna tell you,
I think you're grand!
That's true, yes I do, 'deed I do, you know I do.
I must tell you what I'm feeling,
The very mention of your name
Sends my heart reeling,
You know you made me love you.

I don't care what happens,
let the whole world stop,
As far as I'm concerned you'll always be the top!
'Cause you know you made me love you!
(With apologies to Judy Garland & Clark Gable)

I'd Like to Thank the Academy!

Oscar, schmoscar…last night I went to a party for a LAMP!!!
Oh yes, it’s a big weekend in Los Angeles. All the hotels are booked with stylist’s suites & free swag & the stars have all “got their drink on!” But me? The fancy exterior designer? I got invited to a party at a very chi-chi lighting store to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the PH Artichoke! Which is a chandelier in the shape of an artichoke!!! I’m a very lucky man. Seriously though; while I recognize that this is a lighting & design icon, surely worthy of some note, I am left to wonder if it could ever be worth it’s nearly $100,00 price tag even if its done in 24k gold.
This is why I’ll never be CLASSY with a capital K! I walk into so many homes in L.A. And spin around & point: “Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, West Elm, IKEA, Mitchell Gold, Ballard Design!!!” With a little Frontgate thrown in. I get it! It’s easy. You don’t have to think about it because it all “GOES” together!! It’s functional & comfortable. But I have seen double-wide trailers in the South with more STYLE!!! So if you walk into my house (or a place I have done) and say ”I got that at IKEA too!!” I will die a little inside. So if you can knock-off of a famous interior design piece; I say more power to you, but then why would any spend 100,000 times as much for “the original” You would have to loudly announce to your guests that this was the case. And while I have been on tours of private homes in L.A. where they are more than happy to tell you the price of everything…I don’t recommend this sort of thing!! It’s just tacky!! Nor do I recommend the big joke that is “Design Within Reach (DWR)” I always laugh at that & think: “”Who’s reach?” Do I really need to spend a few thousand dollars on a plastic sofa??? Mmmm NO! I Don’t! But there was a free OPEN BAR & passed hors d’oeuvres so who am I to complain?

Well, I CAN complain about the MOVIES. Yuck! I almost forgot it was even OSCAR WEEKEND Which is a mortal sin as THE OSCARS ARE the GAY SUPERBOWL!! But I think I really enjoyed about three films this year. One. As I mentioned before; was THE VISITOR which I thought was just about perfect! And yes for the love of God please let’s give HEATH LEDGER a posthumous OSCAR he was very good in THE DARK KNIGHT and sadly will not live to fulfill his potential. I would LOVE to see SEAN PENN upset MICKEY ROURKE & win Best Actor. Penn has NEVER given a bad performance, and as a gay man I am sure I am prejudiced, but I LOVED MILK!!!! The Wrestler is quite good but MILK is about HISTORY…where we came from & where we are going as a people! All of us. And sure! Give that lovely KATE WINSLETT the Gold Man for ALL of her (what??? 7, 8, 12?) performances this year!! She IS a marvelous Actress & has been nominated more time without a win than almost anybody living! (except for maybe PETER O’TOOLE) Truth to tell the ONLY thing I am really looking forward to is HUGH JACKMAN hosting!! This guy has got to be the best looking & most all around talented performer working today. He is drop dead gorgeous, sexy, he can act, he can sing, & he can dance . The true “TRIPLE THREAT” as we used to say in the chorus on Broadway!

But what a crappy year for the movies, no? I blame GEORGE BUSH, as I do for almost anything. I Wish You All a very HAPPY OSCAR!! I hope you win “the pool” and I hope there are some God-awful red carpet moments that we can ALL enjoy!!