And We're Back....

I was 13 years old. I was watching The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. I recall wearing my new velour tan zip-up hoodie and a gold “box style” chain; both of which were all the rage. Johnnie introduced CHARLES NELSON REILLY (who would ultimately set the record for Tonight Show appearances) Charles came out, Johnny asked, “what have you been up to Charles?” And CNR replied, “Well, John, I recently flew to New York…” And he was off! I have no idea what he spoke of. But he confined his tale to a single cross country flight. I writhed on the floor of my parent’s suburban “rec room” I literally had tears of laughter streaming down my face (as did Johnny) It was such a magic moment that Johnny “ran over” The Tonight show was then an hour & a half ending at 1:00 a.m. But that was still not enough time to contain the magical uproarious humor of Charles Nelson Reilly who died last week at 76.

NOBODY was gay in the 70’s! Sure there were rumors about ROCK HUDSON, urban legends about various Rock Stars, even GOMER PYLE , but if you were gay and you watched PAUL LYNDE or CHARLES NELSON REILLY…you KNEW!! THESE ARE MY PEOPLE! And GOD DAMMIT! They are fu***** hysterical!
And he was!

When my late former partner got a sitcom starring BURT REYNOLDs, I was happy. But the real reason for my happiness was I knew, from my tabloid education, that Burt had a “Posse” Made up of DOM DELUISE, JIM NABORS, & tah-dah: Charles Nelson Reilly! I extracted a promise from my partner that he would call me the moment he met Charles! True to his word, on a Friday evening, while I was wrapping things up in New York, the call came. “It happened!” “I met HIM!” I knew without question. “What did he say?” “He’s hysterical!” The first thing he asked was: “Do you have a dentist here?” “You’ll need a Doctor & a Dentist…because clearly, you’re staying!” (in Los Angeles) So I came to Los Angeles & it wasn’t too long before I got to meet Charles myself.

Do you know what it’s like to meet someone you’ve idolized your entire life? And be lucky enough to form a friendship with them? I do! Since his passing I am filled with so many memories:

I think the first words he said to me were (of course) quotes from a play, THE BOYS IN THE BAND.
“I don’t understand any of it, I never did. Turn out the light when you’re through!”

He would frequently just start in the middle of a play & expect you to keep up & you loved him so much for even noticing you, you tried!

The plays & the stories, my God! The stories! You cannot imagine the people he knew! At a California cocktail party (perhaps at HOPE LANGE’s house… his “Ghost & Mrs Muir” co-star was, at one time, a most legendary hostess) he had brought his torturing mother from New York. Academy Award winning actress & Charles’s friend, SHIRLEY BOOTH, came up to him & said: “Charles, your Mother is one of the most dreadful people I’ve ever met!” Without missing a beat, Charles replied:”I know Shirley!” “But what a part for you!”

I never watched MATCH GAME, mostly because I hate game shows. But I wish now I had because in viewing YouTube clips in recent days I realize I missed a lot of Charles’ great lines. When BRETT SOMMERS (mainly famous for being on MATCH GAME & having been married to JACK KLUGMAN) said somewhat defensively to Charles: “Well! I Live in BEVERLY HILLS!” Charles replied: “Yea, but so close to OLYMPIC you could Spit into MAR VISTA!” And brought that bitch down!

When I returned to College after I moved to Los Angeles, I enrolled in a creative writing class ( this blog offering little proof) When I told Charles that I wrote a paper on him & got a B+ He said: “If you’d chosen a more interesting subject you would have gotten an A!”

CNR was more noted for his directing skills, having directed the incomparable JULIE HARRIS in her finest stage triumph: THE BELLE OF AMHERST… as well as many episodic TV shows And I was so glad to see his final triumph: SAVE IT FOR THE STAGE! THE LIFE OF REILLY which he performed as a one man show & which was also shot as a film that is still in theatres! Charles left us on high note.


I celebrated my 28th Birthday on his boat, ARTICHOKE HEARTS.
I spent many holidays with him. I am still in possession of gifts he gave me ( a cool vintage leather jewelry box, a movie card for a film called: HOLLYWOOD STORY, I have 3 glasses left from a set he gave my partner & I at my L.A. Arrival party which he said “was like a Gay Wedding! Dozens of years before that was even a possibility!)


My whole goal of this BLOG & website has been to fashion myself as a CHARLES NELSON REILLY for GENERATION X & I realize again how futile a goal that is! There was only ONE CNR & his like will not come again!

I love you Charles! I am grateful to have known you! I hope we meet again!

BREAKING!!! LOHAN BUSTED!

You have to check out X17 Online
They broke the story & have play-by-play & photos of LINDSAY LOHAN'S Car Crash & (suspicion of) DUI ARREST. Most shockingly, the Police may have found COKE (!!!) in the car! Let's give little Lindsay the benefit of the doubt. I know it was 5:30 A.M. but if it was Sunday & not Saturday she could have been headed to the famous early morning A.A. Meeting at The Log Cabin on Robertson (so I've read!) and there are may YOGA Classes that meet in the pre-dawn hours too! Let's not rush to judgment! All I know is that God loves Lindsay. If you're famous & get in trouble do it in the middle of a Holiday Weekend when everyone's away. Not that it won't be a big story but...and so close on the heels of Paris!! Wait, did I really just write that?

From the X17 Website:

3 am - Lindsay left Les Deux and went to a private house party in the Hollywood Hills

4 am - Lindsay left the party looking inebriated, according to our photographer, and made a pit stop at the Skybar at the Mondrian Hotel

4:45 am - Lindsay left the Skybar and headed back to her condo on Doheny Drive (until this point she was being driven by someone else in the SUV)

5:15 am - Lindsay leaves her condominium building in her black Mercedes SL 65 convertible and loses control of the car (a V12) just a few block away

5:25 am - Lindsay flees the scene of the accident, where her car "hit some bushes," according to Sergeant Mike Foxen of the BHSD

5:30 am - the Beverly Hills Sheriff's Department receives a call from a witness to the accident and officers head to the scene to investigate

6:30 am - Lindsay's car is towed from the scene of the accident at Foothill and Sunset

La Dolce Vita

You gotta love the Italians!

ROME (Reuters) - A man who took his mistress to the beach made the mistake of waving to a film crew on a helicopter covering Italy's bicycle race and was discovered by his wife.

According to media reports, the man was with his younger mistress on a beach in northern Italy when the helicopter passed overhead with a crew covering the Giro d'Italia cycling classic.

The man waved, the camera zoomed in, and the couple ended up on live television.

The brother of the man's wife thought it was his sister he was seeing on television and called her on her mobile phone, sure that it was she on the beach with her husband.

Instead, she was at home by herself and when her husband returned with a sun tan, he had some explaining to do.

God! I love Memorial Day Weekend & always have. When we were kids, at this time of year, you could almost smell the end of school along with the fresh cut grass! Mmmm!
I’m not going to talk about Rosie leaving or that bird pooping on the President etc. I’ll just say: God Bless Our Troops & God Bless America!

A great Holiday weekend tradition that we Americans have is to get out & do something in the yard! I mean look at my neighbors beautiful geraniums in window boxes…it’s like living in Europe!
A very cool thing about L.A. is that, come these long weekends, everyone & I mean everyone, LEAVES TOWN. It’s Friday night & my street, which normally sounds like a NASCAR Rally, is so quiet it’s almost eerie. But I am not complaining.

Another wonderful aspect about Los Angeles is the jacaranda! First of all it’s such a fun word to say! It sounds like some Outback Super Hero, which is appropriate, because these trees flourish in Australia. And once a year they show-off their nearly obscene beauty in Los Angeles too. There are several streets in Beverly Hills that are lined on both sides with jacaranda & driving down them under a huge, high, canopy of purple flowers, feels like arriving in Heaven.

Do you see this vine in the above photo? It scares me just a little. Last year I bought some succulents in Chinatown. I was surprised to find this little vine as a bonus growing among them. Well it’s growing so fast & furiously & wrapping itself around everything it can I literally take a breath before I go out in the garden to see where its traveled to overnight. I’ve heard of kudzu, a Japanese vine that can take over a whole city in less than a decade if left to its own devices, but this doesn’t look like that. I feel like Jack in Jack & The Bean Stalk, but I’m too heavy to climb now! The funny thing is you cannot train it. Its like a defiant child. If you take an end & wrap it around something, that end dies, but new growth sprouts up somewhere else. There’s a lesson here I am sure of it!


One thing I loathe about this time of year are the SLUGS! No! Not the Male Hollywood Dating Pool, those hateful little snail-like creatures that eat through all of my plants! They are disgusting. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Pick up one of your pots & look at the bottom. Look for a slimey, gross, rubbery head inching out from a shell. There it is! Garden Enemy Number 1! They leave a shiney, silvery, lace-like web over your plants. By the time you see that…its too late…they’ve arrived. Now they’ll make “lace” out of your plant leaves. There are a number of remedies available at your local nursery but they are very expensive & you have to keep applying them. Here’s a trick: You know what thing they love but will prove fatal to them, as it did to many of my relatives??? BEER!!!!! Yep, beer!
Here’s what you do: find out where they are. Ideally you’ll see them in a flowerbed, but you can do this in a container as well. Fill a container(s) with beer. Go out the next day & look in the container. You will see many dead, floating slugs! I recommend doing this AFTER breakfast. You have to keep replacing the beer & tossing the slugs, after their burial at sea, but its cheap, easy & guaranteed to work…which is more than I can say for my last boyfriend!

Have a Fabulous Weekend!

Keith Olberman For President

Is this news commentator the only one with enough balls to call the Democrats & President Bush out? All in one Special Commentary?!?!?
I LOVE this guy...watch




I live near a famous health food store in Los Angeles. While shopping there again tonight (Organic Wine!) it hit me...why do all the people shopping in health food stores look so damn UNHEALTHY?? Pale, anemic, confused...Jesus! Just have a cheeseburger or some other processed food! A Doctor's waiting room has more healthy looking people! Put Down the FLAXSEED & Pick up some PRINGLES People!!

Size Matters

LiveScience.com is reporting that a University of Bath study shows that the length of a child’s fingers can predict how they’ll do on the SATs.

A quick look at the lengths of children's index and ring fingers can be used to predict how well students will perform on SATs.

Kids with longer ring fingers compared to index fingers are likely to have higher math scores than literacy or verbal scores on the college entrance exam, while children with the reverse finger-length ratio are likely to have higher reading and writing, or verbal, scores versus math scores.

Yep! Big fingers….Big SAT Scores, big feet...big… SHOES! What did you think I was going to say?

Justice is Served! US Weekly Blog claims that ISAIAH WASHINGTON’s days at GREY’s ANATOMY are numbered:

He will not be back as a series regular," a source close to ABC tells Us, noting that the embattled star, 43 - who has been under fire ever since calling costar T.R. Knight, 34, a "f--got" - "could possibly show up for a few episodes" next season.
Still, Washington's rep insists, "Isaiah is not off the show. We do not have a contract yet, but we expect to."

I, for one would love to say Bye! Bye! To (Dr.) Burke.

Congratulations to our new AMERICAN IDOL, JORDIN SPARKS! In the Battle of The Singer vs. The Entertainer, the Singer won! But the entertainer, BLAKE LEWIS, does indeed have a very bright future! Even if he has RYAN SEACREST’s old highlights!

This is a very intoxicating time in Los Angeles. The sweet fragrance of jasmine permeates the air, especially at night, in such a heady way.
I love this vine. It can cover a wall in less than a year, its leaves stay bright green throughout the year & once a year in the Spring, it blossoms & wow…Check out the pic above of the star jasmine on my terrace.

Day of the Locusts

Not since TAYLOR & BURTON descended on Rome has there been a more glamorous arrival, no, make that coronation, of a celebrity couple as there was in Cannes last evening. Have you seen the footage of BRAD & ANGELINA arriving at the film festival premiere of their film, “A Mighty Heart”? Good God! Can two humans be this gorgeous? And B.P. in a tux with his hair slicked back…Sweet Jesus!
The film, based on the story of murdered journalist, Daniel Pearl, is being very well received & Angie is garnering great reviews. Even if JENNIFER ANISTON eventually wins a Best Actress Oscar, it would be small consolation for scenes such as this.

Speaking of scenes, Sunday night’s THE TUDORS had many of them. Any any one that includes MARIA DOYLE KENNEDY as “Queen Katherine” is a lesson in acting for the small screen.
I will miss GABRIELLE ANWAR as Margaret Tudor. But perhaps her death will see her grieving husband Charles Brandon, HENRY CAVILL trying to console himself with more women (and less clothing!) What I would like less of however; are all the TWIN PEAKS, dead-girl-ghost, arty, aspects that keep popping up. The story & the history are interesting & dramatic enough with dream sequences. We’re one episode away from the season finale but thankfully SHOWTIME had the “grace” to renew the series.


Congratulations to APOLLO ONO for winning the “Dancing With The Stars” finale. I sort of gave up watching after they “kicked” HEATHER MILLS MCCARTNEY off, but the Olympic Champion is a deserving winner. And runner up JOEY FATONE already won..he danced off like 40 pounds during the competition. Another advantage of living so close to CBS is that I knew late this afternoon that Apollo won just by asking audience members as they were leaving the taping. Not early enough to place any bets though, damn it!

Sorry I’ve been a bit inconsistent the past few days but I’ve been “busier than a lesbian in a hardware store!” (I know…I know…but I do LOVE that line, thank you, GEORGE CARLIN)
Just put in a lovely flower bed in a fabulous house in West L.A. And yes, I worked in my new fave, kangaroo paws…in pink & yellow.

Did you hear about the 4 women in a small New Hampshire town who were fired form their jobs for “gossiping”? The ladies were at lunch discussing a possible relationship between their city administrator boss & “another party”. Someone overheard & reported them & out they went! I always thought office gossip was a perk! Maybe its better that I work alone.

Get well wishes to AMERICAN IDOL’s PAULA ABDUL who trip over her little dog & broke her nose! I feel your pain Paula! I’ve tripped over my dog in a hopeless effort to not spill my drink as well! Be brave doll! This won’t be your first rhinoplasty, will it?

“ Abdul’s doctors advised her to wait at least 6 weeks before having sex with a contestant!” -DAVID LETTERMAN

Why The Terrorists Hate Us!

This is a photo of someone, I believe a woman, named, JODIE MARSH (???...your guess is as good as mine)
But I think nothing sums up the decline of Western Civilization better.
Pic courtesy of my favorite, funny, website, A Socialite's Life

Have a great weekend!!!
Get Out & Garden!! or at least buy some flowers...you'll feel better!

The Price Was Right!

We all know that good help is hard to find. As the grandson of an Irish woman who was an “upstairs maid” (in charge of all the linens at a time when people really had “linens” and a lot of them!) I know its backbreaking work. But I also used to love to watch the T.V. series, HAZEL, where the incomparable Shirley Booth played a maid (after the studios didn’t know what the hell to do with her after she won A Best Actress Oscar for “COME BACK LITTLE SHEEBA”) I wanted a Hazel or at least some nice-old-lady-in-a-uniform to greet me at the end of the day with a martini; like THELMA RITTER used to do to ROCK HUDSON (just like Rock, I’m a busy Batchelor who doesn’t have time to clean the house!)Instead I have “Consuelo” twice a month! A fabulous woman even if she never cleans the baseboards like I ask her to! I recognize that with the privilege of having a “domestic staff” there comes responsibility, such as…PAYING them, or not holding them hostage!

MINEOLA, N.Y. - A millionaire couple were arrested on federal charges that they kept two Indonesian women as slaves in their swank Long Island home for more than five years, beating and abusing them and paying them almost nothing.
The homeowners, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 35, and her husband, Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, entered not guilty pleas Tuesday at their arraignment in U.S. District Court in Central Islip and were ordered held pending a Thursday bail hearing.
Prosecutors said the women had scalding water thrown on them and were forced to repeatedly climb up and down stairs and take as many as 30 showers in three hours — all as punishment for perceived misdeeds. In one case, prosecutors said, one woman was forced to eat 25 hot chili peppers at a time
A federal complaint alleged the couple, who live in East Muttontown, a tony community on Long Island's north shore, kept the two women in their home as domestic servants, barring them from leaving the house for any reason other than to take trash to the curb. The couple ran a perfume business out of their multimillion-dollar home and have factories in Asia, authorities said.
They also have a residence in Manhattan and $1.8 million in the bank, prosecutors said.
The two women, identified in court papers as Samirah and Nona, said they were promised payments of $200 and $100 a month, but federal prosecutors said they were never given money directly. One of the victims' daughters living in Indonesia was sent $100 a month, prosecutors said.

Taking the trash to the curb indeed!

You know what my favorite part is though? Mrs. Sabhnani gave her age as 35!!!LOOK at that photo! (Howard Schnapp)
There is NO way on earth that any 35 yr old woman who never did a lick of housework could possibly look that old!!

Living in the shadow of CBS’s TELEVISION CITY allows me to witness some interesting things. Just tonight I saw SIMON COWELL doing his best JESSICA TANDY impersonation as he was driven off the main gate of the lot in a huge dark Rolls Royce with a uniformed driver! The Rolls is his though (I KNOW that) or I can tell you that the crowds that line up for the taping of DANCING WITH THE STARS dress as if they may be called from the audience at any moment to substitute for an injured dancing star. Unlike those scarily dressed So You Want To Be A Rock Star or Rock Star:INXS or whatever the hell its called people! Good Goth! This studio is where they used to tape THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW. But in 10 years of living here I have never seen a phenomenon like I have witnessed these past 5 weeks. Once a week (now twice) hundreds of people are lining up & camping out to see….THE PRICE IS RIGHT!! And say goodbye to its beloved host BOB BARKER who is retiring at 83 (!!!) They come with their tents & air mattresses & sleeping bags & blankets. They have coolers of food & drinks or they just call DOMINO’s for Pizza delivery. There they are, young & old & in-between, men & woman, all races & backgrounds and hardly any of the ones I’ve spoken to are from California…these folks are traveling from all 50 states to say “Bye Bob!” Barker will have his own page (chapter?) in the History of Television. He’s been a TV Game Show host for 50 years, 35 of those years on TPIR He’s won 17 Daytime Emmy Awards including a record 13 as Best Game Show Host. A tireless fighter for animal rights he forced CBS to stop awarding furs as prizes on its game shows. Barker also made an impression cast against type playing a foul-mouthed villain in HAPPY GILMORE opposite ADAM SANDLER. If he was 10 years younger I do believe he could be President! Well Done Bob! God Bless You!


"We guess if you say enough ignorant, intolerant shit over enough time, God finally does call you home." GAWKER -on the death of Jerry Falwell

"No Great Loss"

-LARRY FLYNT regarding the death of JERRY FALWELL

The Reverend Jerry Falwell dropped dead today at 73. The founder of The Moral Majority (which was neither moral nor a majority) certainly led a far more public life than could be expected of an ignorant jackass from a Virginia backwater. He helped to organize & mobilize Christian voters & get them to the polls. He merged faith & politics & helped elect RONALD REAGAN & GEORGE W. BUSH. You’ll see a lot of unnecessary coverage on his passing in the coming days as if he was some great statesman or religious icon. But make no mistake, this creep was no JOHN PAUL II. What he was, was a fat, ignorant, hateful, miss-informed bigot, who sought through the power of mass mailings & his rolodex, to make life miserable for woman, gays & educated people who don’t believe in “ADAM & EVE” but believe in evolution, tolerance & the spirit of the Gospels of Jesus Christ.

You may only know Uncle Jerry from the terrific MILOS FOREMAN movie: The People vs. Larry Flynt which portrayed Falwell’s unsuccessful attempt to thwart the First Amendment & punish Hustler publisher Larry Flynt for attempting to defame Falwell by printing a parody in Hustler accusing him of incest. This movie was filmed back when people thought COURTNEY LOVE could still act. This helped to keep this ignoramus in the news for longer than he deserved. And just when publicity was waning, Falwell uncovered “a vast left wing conspiracy” by announcing that one of THE TELETUBBIES (Tinky Winky) was GAY!

But the famous heart-warming quote that will serve as Falwell’s epitaph is this:

“AIDS in not only the punishment of a just God for Homosexuals…it is the punishment of a just God for a culture that TOLERATES homosexuals”

This quote is really the perfect storm of ignorance (& remember this guy founded a pseudo-university called Liberty) it displays an appalling lack of not only sensitivity, but knowledge, regarding: health, viruses, sexuality & theology. How else to explain the veritable fact that lesbians have little occurrence of AIDS, or worse, that the entire continent of Africa teeters on the brink of destruction (still !) because of AIDS transmissions between married heterosexuals. I fantasize that the first three angels Dr. Falwell meets on his way to (harsh) judgment in Heaven are: ELIZABETHGLASER (married mother with children who died of AIDS) ARTHUR ASHE (tennis legend infected by the disease during heart surgery) And RYAN WHITE (the young hemophiliac who got it from a blood transfusion)
And I hope ELIZABETH, ARTHUR & RYAN TRIP Falwell’s fat ass as he attempts to crash the pearly gates

Yes! Prime Minister!

O.k. did you watch Sunday’s episode of THE TUDORS? It’s getting really good! (and SHOWTIME just picked up another season!)
I think JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS gets better every episode (but still dips back into his Irish brogue when he’s excited.)SAM NEILL is delicious to watch as CARDINAL WOLSEY; even more so now that his influence is waning & he’s resorting to tears one minute & throwing punches the next or, when all else fails, he drops to his knees & begs! But MARIA DOYLE KENNEDY continues to be a revelation as Queen Catherine of Aragon. Perhaps because she underplays every scene, while her castmates are tearing at the tapestries. And her costumes! My God! They grow more glorious with each episode even if the color palette grows darker. There will be multiple EMMY Noms for the costume department.

One confusing thing though is the role of HENRY XVIII’s sister MARGARET TUDOR played by the stunning GABRIELLE ANWAR whom you will remember opposite AL PACINO in SCENT OF A WOMAN. Her name is Margaret, but the role she is playing seems to be more that of MARY TUDOR Henry’s youngest sister, Who indeed was briefly married to an older monarch but that was the King of France, not Portugal, and it was Mary not Margaret who married Henry’s friend Charles Brandon, played by my boyfriend, HENRY CAVILL. The SHOWTIME website does not address this. And Gabby honey, time to go back for more collagen in the lips or perhaps another makeup artist I actually saw lumps in your upper lip last night!

A belated Happy Mother’s day to all you Mothers out there. My own mother, MRS. TRAINER (as her closet friends call her) likes to celebrate the day by sending little love notes to her children listing all their failures of the previous year. She’s very sentimental that way. She went on her first cruise this past weekend to Alaska. You may have read of a cruise ship running aground & taking on water & requiring evacuation in Juneau….yep! that was Mommy’s ship! The Unsinkable Molly Brown had nothing on her!

My new favorite plant obsession is the Australian KANGAROO PAWIt has sort of green palm frond leaves at its base & grows colorful, tall, furry “flowers”, that best of all, can be cut for gorgeous, long-lasting arrangements. Luv all things AUSSIE!! And please God! Let their drought end soon!!

TMZ has an open letter from CANDY SPELLING to PARIS HILTON with some heart-felt advice for Paris now that she is a convict! When one is estranged from one’s own daughter, one has much more time to give advice to someone else’s daughter! I’m quite sure KATHY HILTON is grateful to Candy for chiming in!

Congratulations to my favorite gossip columnist, TED CASABLANCA from E! on his engagagement to JON POWELL! Best Wishes Boys!! Where are you registered??

Rantin' & Ravin'

Does the above photo (courtesy of A SOCIALLITE'S LIFE and flynet)
mean that JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS is cheating on me with this tan, thin, hottie? Maybe they’re “rehab” friends? Sponsor & Sponsee? It could be his fencing coach from THE TUDORS!?! Well to hell with you JRM! I’m going to just take up with your TUDOR’S Co-Star, HENRY CAVILL..so there!

Monday night on CBS has a Very Special Episode of THE KING OF QUEENS…WHAT??? This show was on the night of my SENIOR PROM!!! Apparently this is the FINAL EPISODE?!!! Now can anyone please tell my why CROSSING JORDAN is still on?? I am the biggest fan of JILL HENNESSY; don’t get me wrong, I think she is one of the most beautiful actresses working today! SHE made me watch LAW & ORDER. And all the girls (Assistant D.A.s) after her, are just versions of her. I actually met her once & gushed so badly I know she thought I was a stalker; or at least her adorable Italian husband did. AND I think she was the best JACKIE KENNEDY Ever!! And I am the toughest “Jackie Judge” Don’t believe me? Rent “JACKIE, ETHEL & JOAN: THE WOMAN OF CAMELOT, you’ll see! But this NBC show was always beneath her talents (not to mention those of MIGUEL FERRER) and it’s been on since, what? The first Clinton Administration? C’mon Jill stop slumming! Kid or not… get a real gig! But this IS the perfect “Under The Radar” show all actors really want. Not a “white-hot, must -see show” that is certain to cool down fast (READ: GREY”S ANATOMY) But a “oh, there’s nothing on cable” kind of show that may not attract huge numbers but doesn’t alienate any viewers either! Like maybe…JERICHO?? Is THAT Still on?? To repeat my acting teacher, CHARLES NELSON REILLY’s mantra: “Television is like a butterfly shitting….you know it happens, but nobody SEES it!”

And now the Island of CATALINA is burning! Do you think God is mad at Los Angeles? Maybe he just saw SPIDERMAN 3!??

Have you seen all the gorgeous ROSES available for planting that are out there now? Huge Blooms, Stunning colors, Impervious to disease & very hardy!! And you know what? You can HAVE THEM! They are clones of clones of clones. Oh yes! They’ll bloom loud & long, they’ll forgive your inattention & make a very meretricious display out your front window, but they will NEVER capture your SOUL! Chiefly because they DO NOT SMELL! In an effort to make them stronger, manufacturers have sacrificed fragrance! So “a rose by any other name, would NOT smell as sweet!” Order from small nurseries & stick to heirloom varieties! You (& your soul) won’t regret it!

After The Fire

The flames that engulfed Griffith Park yesterday are still burning but the Los Angeles Fire Department expects the fire to be contained by tomorrow (Thursday) after a loss of over 800 acres. Many celebs live in the Los Feliz Hills section surrounding the park & one resident told of being cautioned to evacuate immediately by SCIENTOLOGIST & JENNY CRAIG GRAUDATE, KIRSTIE ALLEY!
While reading about the history of Griffith Park, I learned that the gentleman for whom the park is named was Los Angeles’s original O.J. Simpson. After purchasing the Los Feliz property, Colonel Griffith J Griffith was convicted of the attempted murder of his wife. In an effort to make amends & redeem his reputation, Griffith deeded the land to the county. Come to think of it, The Colonel showed a lot more class than O.J. All we got was the fictional (??) tome, “If I Did It.” A big park would have been nice!

PAGE SIX reports that Dina Lohan, mother of that adorable, LINDSAY LOHAN is desperate to replace ROSIE O’DONNELL on THE VIEW. Dina has long called herself “the white Oprah” apparently. View insiders say that Dina’s being hired is as likely as her actress daughter showing up on time to a set.

Lindsay’s GEORGIA RULE co-star, the legendary JANE FONDA, was on LETTERMAN last night. Did you see her? Gorgeous! But the big shock, for us & Dave, was Jane’s admittance, no, Declaration that she would be 70 yrs. old this December!

Speaking of Dave, I just saw his favorite funnyman, ANDY KINDLER, at the APPLE store at THE GROVE. I just stopped in to check my email…I have a p.c.

Here’s a sad gardening lesson I had to re-learn this Spring. Don’t try to cheat on soil! I know there are lots of very, very, inexpensive, large bags of top-soil out there. But if you’re doing container gardening or laying in new flower beds spend the extra buck or two on a quality soil. Soil is a living thing. If the one you’re using seems lifeless & dried out & doesn’t even seem like its from the earth (or is in fact earth!) skip it! I lost 2 newly planted, beautiful, containers due to tired, inferior soil!

"Vice President, DICK CHENEY, has begun his tour of The Mid-East.He's very popular over there. He's known as LAWRENCE of ARRHYTHMIA"
- DAVID LETTERMAN

Lost In L.A.

Some very sad news tonight…GRIFFITH PARK has been burning all day & hundreds of acres of this precious oasis are now lost! Estimates as of 11:00 p.m. have 200 plus acres (out of more than 4,000) scorched, with the fire only 25% contained. Gone is the famous DANTE’s VIEW a lush hilltop garden, but the GREEK THEATRE & THE OBSERVATORY, seem to have been spared! Thank God! If you’ve ever seen the JAMES DEAN classic, REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE you will recall the final scene with Dean, Natalie Wood & Sal Mineo that helped make the Observatory famous! Early reporting has the fire “man made” but they cannot determine arson or an accident. Still sad!

Nearly as sad, is this AP report that has PARIS HILTON petitioning Governor ARNOLD SCHWARENEGGER for clemency! Urging supporters via her MySpace page to sign an online petition addressed to the Governator seeking a pardon from her 45-day jail sentence for a probation violation.
"My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it," the spellcheck-challenged Hilton wrote on her MySpace blog. "i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!"
The petition, looking to appeal to "all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice," describes Hilton as someone who "provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to [most of] our otherwise mundane lives."
In exchange for her global good deeds, the petition contends, she should not be locked up.
"Please allow her to return to her career and life," the petition reads. "Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson...She is distraught and understandably afraid."
If she didn’t, as previously reported, fire her Publicist…she now should!!

Ten years ago today I lost my Dad, at age 64, after a brief illness. Charlie Trainer, Sr. was a sweet, complicated, quietly strong man who battled depression (we now know) for most of his life. Though he would never bill himself as a “gardener” it was from my Dad that I learned the value of & joy to be had in, a well-cared for lawn, and ever-changing flowerbeds! The best thing about living in the Northeast region of the U.S. is the amazing flowers that can be had there: hydrangea, forsythia, peonies, lilacs, and lilies-of-the-valley, all of which my Dad grew with seemingly little effort. I said at his funeral that my 6 siblings & I were especially fortunate because, while every lucky parent gives their children the 5 basic senses; my parents gave us three bonus ones as well: A Sense of God, and His Hand in all things. A Sense of Occasion, in that you could always find something to celebrate everyday. And most importantly, a Sense of Humor! It’s been my privilege to know many, many, funny people, including several professionals who were paid to be funny. But to this very day, there is no one on earth who can make me laugh like my family. Wherever you are Daddy, I hope you are in some beautiful garden somewhere, with tears of laughter falling from your eyes! I miss you!

transitions!

Jesus! I always say that Los Angeles is the Land of Extremes! So now its like 90 Degrees & windy. In fact I was stalking celebrities in RUNYON CANYON today (I did mention I saw RALPH FINNES there last week with an unidentified woman….possibly a trainer? Or perhaps that British Airways Stewardess he got friendly with a few months ago??) and I was caught in a veritable sand storm! I felt just like PETER O’TOOLE in Lawrence of Arabia without the homo-erotic tension of having an OMAR SHARIFF nearby!

And speaking of LOS ANGELES I still gotta hand it to the LOS ANGELES TIMES Sports Writer, Mike Penner who has undergone the transistion to becoming a woman. As someone who was raised on the compelling, yet freakish images of BRADY BUNCH DAD, ROBERT REED who was nominated for an EMMY as a tranny on CBS’s MEDICAL CENTER, not to mention JOHN DAVIDSON (God! Remember him!) as a tranny-cross-dresser on THE STREETS of SAN FRANCISCO…. I am amazed at the transformation of Mike Penner to Christine Daniels! I have to say Mike: You are GORGEOUS!!! You so made the right choice! You were an attractive if pale, blonde, bland, male, but as Christine you are H.O.T.!!

I know that you; like TheGayGardener, are so obsessed with the fate of PARIS HILTON! But it would seem that just firing her publicist was not enough…and “P-Mommy” is going to The Big House!
BUT before we feel to badly, FOX NEWS reminds us who little Miss Hilton REALLY is!

PARIS HILTON meanwhile, reportedly promised to give $250,000 to an Australian charity, Paradise Kids, and to organize a fundraising concert in support of seriously ill youngsters.
“It makes me feel good and it helps other people,” Hilton explained to the paparazzi at the time.
But that was over two years ago, and the Hilton heiress hasn’t been back in contact with the organization. According to the charity’s co-founder, Rev. Dr. Ian Mayor, Hilton was gone as son as the cameras were.
Mayor told Australia’s Courier Mail newspaper that because Hilton made a public vow to raise $250,000 for the charity, it has hurt their fundraising efforts. He claimed that no one thinks the charity needs money, since Hilton is supposedly helping them, and his efforts to contact the Boulevard blonde have been barren.
Then there's the issue of paying spokespeople. Last year, Hilton was said to have accepted $200,000 just to show up at an undisclosed charity event in Cannes.
“All I had to do was wave like the Queen of England,” the New York Post quoted her as saying.
Cook finds this sort of exchange tasteless.
“It’s completely inappropriate to pay spokespeople,” he said. “Of course we cover all their expenses, but we’re looking for celebs who want to make charity work a part of who they are without the need for financial incentives. But you’re always going to come across a special few who feel more entitled than others.”
Calls to Hilton's publicist were not returned

Uh Duh…she fired her publicist! If you want to get back at Paris & possibly help the now abandoned, “PARADISE KIDS” go to DEFAMER & order the DON’T FREE PARIS T-Shirt!!! Though I warn you it’s on back order!! don't free paris

Paris In Chains!

We are not going to take this lying down! (unless we can sell the video for Millions!) PARIS HILTON emerged from her post -sentencing seclusion today (Sunday) and railed against the injustice of her 45 day sentence. Calling it “cruel & unwarranted” & insisting that “she didn’t deserve this!” Miss Hilton did what any socialite would do in her position, she fired her PUBLICIST! Or rather he “resigned”. PR flak, ELLIOT MINTZ, fell on his sword & took responsibility for being misled by Paris’ attorneys & failing to explain to Ms Hilton that she could not drive while on probation for a D.U.I unless it was “Work related” ummm Does Paris actually work? Isn’t clubbing & shopping & getting her picture taken at night, her job? I am shocked she doesn’t have a “driver” at this point then this whole tragic miscarriage of justice could have been avoided. Paris darlin’, I think you just got an extension on your promised 15 minutes of fame…you’ll be grateful one day.


Have you seen the gorgeous artichokes available at the Farmer’s market & your local grocer? My God! They’re beautiful! No accident the first 3 letters in artichokes are A.R.T. They ain’t cheap, $2.00 or more per piece but they’ll last longer than cut flowers & you can eat them afterwards, unlike roses! Try this: Boil the artichokes & remove the “meat” from the leaves. Place in a food processor with extra virgin olive oil & sea salt. Pulse til you have a smooth puree. Use as a pasta sauce or on vegetables. Or score & grill some French bread & smear on sauce while still warm, cut into smaller pieces & serve as a tasty hors d’ovre.

O.k. THE TUDORS: tonight’s episode was a little “dreamy” or I should say nightmarish. The “sweating disease” is wreaking havoc with “Merry Olde England” But nothing much seemed to have happened. Queen Katherine remains in residence (and that MARIA DOYLE KENNEDY is a fabulous Katherine of Aragon…that bearing, that Spanish accent, all that dramatic black!) Anne Boleyn nearly dies of the “sweats” and knowing what we know now, I secretly hoped she would! It would save many lives! But I have to say that I find that Thomas Tallis person very creepy! I am sure he will play some sort of pivotal role. And the real Thomas Tallis, composer of religious music, enjoyed the favor of Henry VIII as well as his daughters Queens Mary & Elizabeth & died peacefully in his sleep…so I can’t imagine where they are going with the character. He has an affair with that cutey, William Compton (another victim off the sweats, tonight) so maybe they are using him to expose the historic “gay Royal circle” that surrounded Anne Boleyn (& that PHILLIPA GREGORYhas written so brilliantly about) and he will come to be the undoing of Anne’s brother, George Boleyn, who was beheaded with her on charges of “incest” as well as homosexuality. But God! Everyone else on this show is so HOT… couldn’t they have found someone less “nerdy” for the role? Though he is a fine actor, whatever his name is (he’s not listed on the official
SHOWTIME'S THE TUDORS
Speaking of HOT… that damn Henry Cavill was on again tonight! And naked again!! LORD! Why Do you tempt me??? You GOTTA Watch it!

Simple Life Sentence

Oh my God! PARIS is going to PRISON!!! After flouting the California Vehicular Laws for more than a year (D.U.I, Driving with a suspended license etc.) PARIS HILTON Has been sentenced to 45 Days in a Woman’s Correctional Facility in Lakewood, CA. If you are from Los Angeles, you have NEVER even been to LAKEWOOD & you KNOW how shameful this is. But the true tragedy in this travesty of justice is that Paris will have to wear those horrendous state-issued ORANGE Coveralls! An icy BLONDE with a fake-orange-Mystic-Tan in ORANGE COVERALLS?? This is “Cruel & Unusual Punishment” FREE PARIS NOW!!!! She’ll have to surrender her CELL PHONE??? She cannot take TINKERBELL with her??? TMZ might go out of business! God help us all!

So it may be the case that DAVID HASSELHOFF’s estranged wife, Pamela was the one to release the now legendary video of “The Drunken Hoff” Surpised?? Nope me neither. The best part is that Mrs. Hasselhoff has retained the services of that champion of Justice, DEBRA OPRI, who famously billed LARRY BIRKHEAD well over a half a million dollars for 3 months worth of services til he fired her. And Pamela in an effort to keep a low profile & focus on her children & avoid a battle in the press thought it would be a good idea to have her first public meeting with her famous attorney hours after the release of the video at a little out-of-the-way spot called SPAGO BEVERLY HILLS!!! PH was stunned to find that paparazzi were waiting for her & Debra to exit the restaurant. And exclaimed that she would “maintain her grace & dignity”

I think its fair to say that ALEC BALDWIN has as many friends as he does enemies. He & arch-enemy-former-wife, KIM BASSINGER made one film together called THE SLUGGER’s WIFE This picture was a cinematic abortion from the get-go. Here is what the producer of that film, David Permut said of ALEC in light of their history & recent events:

"If I were homeless on the streets and had a tin cup in my hand and somebody pulled me off the sidewalk and offered me a script to produce with Alec Baldwin committed to starring in it, I'd pass."


OUCH!! Look he’s a hot-headed-Irishman who likes a drink now & then…I totally identify!


I thought that yesterday was Friday & I spoke of the weekend & Wished you a good one!! As I mentioned, I’m on diet pills! I was confused…so now…


HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

On The Wagon

The happiest guy in Hollywood has got to be ALEC BALDWIN now that the DAVID HASSELHOFF video has been revealed. Have you seen this? At first I thought it was funny, but listening to his little girl’s voice warning him of the consequences of his drunkenness was so “Christina Crawford” yikes! Check it out:



This weekend is some kind of triffecta! Saturday, May 5th is THE KENTUCKY DERBY, CINCO de MAYO, & THE DELAHOYA vs. MAYWEATHER FIGHT. If this isn’t a sign of the coming Appocolypse, I don’t know what is! CdM is HUGE in Los Angeles ( I smell Margheritas!) And The Queen herself (Elizabeth II, not HELEN MIRREN will be in attendance at CHURCHILL DOWNS. I like STREET SENSE to win because I like a horse to have two names and be alliteral when I’m betting. As for that fight…yuck! I never understood Boxing as a sport though I totally get the shiny satin shorts & matching robes!


Have a great weekend!

Hump Day

I hate Wednesdays. At least on Thursday you can smell Friday, but Wednesday still seems like Monday’s hangover. I’m not making any sense am I? It’s this coerced forced cheerfulness of THE SECRET! It’s really bringing me down!
Or it could be the Hoodia!
And for some reason today I heard my Mother’s voice reminding me, as was her custom, “Cholly! You have champagne taste & a beer pocketbook!” Except she would pronounce it “pockAbook” in her best Philadelphia accent.

The one saving grace today though is my JUDY GARLAND rose bush has begun to bloom as well as the nasturtiums around it. I love these orange & yellow roses so much, plus Judy & all. Damn! I’m spiraling again…I just flashbacked to Sundays in New York when I lived with that famous Broadway actor & we would sit & listen to JUDY! LIVE AT CARNEGIE HALL over & over & drink coffee & eat English muffins before he got a T.V. show, hired a publicist & it all went wrong! But those bright orange nasturtium flowers will be so pretty in salads…can’t wait for summer!

Speaking of saving grace…Did you hear that disgraced (!!) former New Jersey Governor Jim Mcreepey errr I mean McGreevy has begun studying to be an Episcopal Priest? The former Catholic has made those honchos at The Vatican very happy, I mean they have enough problems with the priests they already have, let The Anglicans have him! Congrats Jimmy! Black is so elegant isn’t it?!

Ladies & Gentleman! I give you the REAL Gay Gardener! Watch:

Best Gay Blogs

"You Like me! You Really like me!"

One recent honor I've had is to be listed on BEST GAY BLOGS
which correctly accuses me of "sometimes straying into areas of general Gay interest" !!
But I'm vain enough to get a thrill from the fact that on their blogroll there is a little descriptive button that says "HOT" I will read no further into it & just presume they mean ME personally, yeah!

Mission Accomplished!

Maybe it’s part of THE SECRET
that just by stating something aloud you make it so, especially in Washington, D.C.

If you’re like me you’re so desperate for warmer weather & Spring/Summer, that your grabbing up bunches of flowers at the Farmer’s Market, the grocer, 7/11 or wherever you can find them & bringing them home. One thing I like to do is put them in unlikely containers. Anything can be a vase. I like to use unusual beverage bottles. Like these clear curved ones from Italian sodas, that I gathered a quartet of & filled with white roses. I prefer if they have no brand engraved on them (like “Coke”) Remember in the 70s when it was “classy” to use “Perrier” bottle to hold blossoms on little café tables???...like that!

Musings: *Do you ever notice that when people say “It’s not the money…” It’s ALWAYS the money.
*Just once I’d like to hear someone from their death-bed say: ”I wish I’d spent more time at the office!”
or
For some well-off person to say: “Oh no! We’re not “comfortable”! “We’re RICH!”

I’ve stopped taking diet pills because they only make me EAT FASTER!!

Memo to MATT LAUER: Wherever in The World You Are:
Next time you go to Ireland refrain from wearing ORANGE. It not only looks ghastly, but has a negative connotation in The Emerald Isle. Ask any Irishman how he feels about an “Orangeman” Then for your associate, HODA KOBE, to show up in yet another orange shade was simply too much!


My deepest sympathies to SUZANNE PLESHETTE on the death of her beloved husband, TOM POSTON. Poston was the last of a breed of nice guy working comic character actors. You cannot find a soul in this town who has a bad word to say about Tom or Suzanne & their common link was the original Hollywood nice guy, BOB NEWHART who made them both famous. That they found love together so relatively late in life is an inspiration! Rest in Peace Tom

It’s now been over 3 months since I lost the love of my life, Sam. You know you kid yourself by thinking it will get easier…it doesn’t. It just comes in fewer but more overwhelming waves. I had to laugh though to see this picture on one of my favorite sites, DEFAMER in a story about Spiderman 3 (funny…I haven’t heard anything about this film, you?) This “Spidey” looks exactly like my Sammy and made me shamefully think of all the silly costumes etc I made him wear. But despite my best efforts, he always retained his dignity!