SLUGFEST 2009

Yea its that time of year again and you gardeners know what I’m talking about! SLUG & SNAIL time or as I like to call it SLUGFEST.

Because if these little s.o.b.s actually had heads; I’d bash them in. They are so disgusting & destructive, with their slimy bodies & alien heads, slithering over all my beautiful plants & shrubs, devouring their leaves all the while leaving that silver mucousy trail in their wake. WHAT GOOD DO THEY DO? What purpose do they serve?

I’ve told you before about my BEER SOLUTION. (No not the one where I’ll only drink beer to prove I’m not a lush…that one didn’t work out too well) But the natural remedy to remove slugs & snails by planting a container of beer in the dirt to attract the pests (they love the smell!) & having them fall into the container & drown! Not the perfect solution however, because you have to empty that beer container everyday & look at their bloated drowned bodies as you dispose of them.

So lately I have taken to going on “Night Patrol” The critters can’t stand the sun so only come out to wreak their havoc at night. I grab my flashlight & go into the garden and start to pull them off my darlings with my bare hands! They’re very clingy & they do resist. I send them sailing over the fence with some force or sometimes just crush them with the heel of my shoe. Some nights I am gathering so many (20-30) that by the time I am finished I am seriously considering looking for a French restaurant in Los Angeles just to go & order escargot & have some sort of REVENGE!

Oh & did you know the main visible difference between slugs & snails is the shell? Snails have one & slugs do not. But if you have one kind of infestation you usually have both! TIP: Check the bottom of every potted plant. Lift up the pot. If you see a longish, grayish, slimy thing, that’s a slug! Make him suffer! Off to get my flashlight now. Happy Hunting!

Snips & Snails

Check out the above YouTube Video. An hilarious TAB Commercial from the '70s. "You've come a long way baby!" oops that was "Virginia Slims" Cigarettes

Ugh! Just came in from my garden. I plucked 27 snails out of my front flower beds! I hate these little fuc**** What purpose do they serve?
Sure some puff pastry delicacy only a Frenchman could eat. But they are so damn destructive. You all remember my trick for killing them where you lure them into a container placed in the ground & filled with beer (they love it!) And they drown in it. But you have to keep refilling the beer & plucking out their bloated shells-disgusting! I'm trying one of those pet friendly "snail bait" pellets now. I'l let you know if it works.

Christ I almost had a heart attack when I read the tonight's headline: "STRONG CA. QUAKE PREDICTED" Yep they're predicting another "big one" (not the good kind!) for....wait for it....2037! You got it. Nearly 30 years from now. Should we start stock-piling canned goods & non-perishables now?? I still have batteries left over from Y2K (remember that? of course you don't) USC is predicting a quake larger than the Northridge quake in 1994 which was a 6.7 on the Richter Scale. How much did this study cost? Any Angeleno could have told you that "yea the odds of another big quake are pretty high over the next three DECADES!"

This Press Release just sent out over the wire to all Bloggers & Journalists from the CLINTON CAMPAIGN:
*****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE******
FROM: HILLARY '08


Hillary's Fond Pennsylvania Memories


You know, shortly after I helped my Dad build that log cabin in Scranton, PA with my own, bare, 12 year-old hands; I had a life altering experience! We had just finished a delicious lunch of TYSON Prepared Chicken (which I had created the recipe for & for which Tyson in their gratitude, made me a member of their Corporate Board!) when my Dad decided to teach me how to shoot the new rifle I had just purchased at WAL-MART (for which, in gratitude, THEY appointed me to their Corporate Board!)

Fueled by our traditional meal ender of a "shot & a beer" I picked up the gun & shot myself in the foot!!
My Dad then rushed me to the corner hospital. Being my practical 12 year old self, I was anxious about how we would pay for the medical treatment. My Dad told me not to worry because as a regular "working man" he had something called HEALTH INSURANCE (you bitter, younger listeners won't recall what that was) I was so happy to hear this, that I then vowed to help all the big Health Insurance companies in any way I could! (and for which, in gratitude, can you believe THEY appointed me to their Corporate Boards?!) I then converted to CATHOLICISM so that I could go to Church EVERY Sunday & because I thought it would help me if I ever returned to PA! And here I am!

*****I'm Hillary Clinton & that's my story & I'm Sticking to it!******