thegaygardener

Changing The World One Pansy At A Time!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Snips & Snails







Check out the above YouTube Video. An hilarious TAB Commercial from the '70s. "You've come a long way baby!" oops that was "Virginia Slims" Cigarettes

Ugh! Just came in from my garden. I plucked 27 snails out of my front flower beds! I hate these little fuc**** What purpose do they serve?
Sure some puff pastry delicacy only a Frenchman could eat. But they are so damn destructive. You all remember my trick for killing them where you lure them into a container placed in the ground & filled with beer (they love it!) And they drown in it. But you have to keep refilling the beer & plucking out their bloated shells-disgusting! I'm trying one of those pet friendly "snail bait" pellets now. I'l let you know if it works.

Christ I almost had a heart attack when I read the tonight's headline: "STRONG CA. QUAKE PREDICTED" Yep they're predicting another "big one" (not the good kind!) for....wait for it....2037! You got it. Nearly 30 years from now. Should we start stock-piling canned goods & non-perishables now?? I still have batteries left over from Y2K (remember that? of course you don't) USC is predicting a quake larger than the Northridge quake in 1994 which was a 6.7 on the Richter Scale. How much did this study cost? Any Angeleno could have told you that "yea the odds of another big quake are pretty high over the next three DECADES!"

This Press Release just sent out over the wire to all Bloggers & Journalists from the CLINTON CAMPAIGN:
*****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE******
FROM: HILLARY '08


Hillary's Fond Pennsylvania Memories


You know, shortly after I helped my Dad build that log cabin in Scranton, PA with my own, bare, 12 year-old hands; I had a life altering experience! We had just finished a delicious lunch of TYSON Prepared Chicken (which I had created the recipe for & for which Tyson in their gratitude, made me a member of their Corporate Board!) when my Dad decided to teach me how to shoot the new rifle I had just purchased at WAL-MART (for which, in gratitude, THEY appointed me to their Corporate Board!)

Fueled by our traditional meal ender of a "shot & a beer" I picked up the gun & shot myself in the foot!!
My Dad then rushed me to the corner hospital. Being my practical 12 year old self, I was anxious about how we would pay for the medical treatment. My Dad told me not to worry because as a regular "working man" he had something called HEALTH INSURANCE (you bitter, younger listeners won't recall what that was) I was so happy to hear this, that I then vowed to help all the big Health Insurance companies in any way I could! (and for which, in gratitude, can you believe THEY appointed me to their Corporate Boards?!) I then converted to CATHOLICISM so that I could go to Church EVERY Sunday & because I thought it would help me if I ever returned to PA! And here I am!

*****I'm Hillary Clinton & that's my story & I'm Sticking to it!******

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