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Thursday, December 28, 2006

The 10 Gayest Moments of 2006

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10. A Nation of Heavyset Italian Gay Men Develop a Craving for “Johnny Cakes.” If there’s one image that has burned it’s way into the depths of our subconscious, it has to be Vito on The Sopranos, traipsing around a gay S&M night club in a little tight black number, topped off with a little leather cap. Sure, he was (spoiler!) killed, but you know there was one gay mobster out there who looked up to the sky and mouthed the words “thank you” to the TV Gods. (We’ll also take this time to recognize our favorite SNL skit of the year, “The New Jersey Gay Couple.”)

9. Tom Cruise Gets Married. Kidding!

9. The 6-foot Long Hoagie That is the Jake/Lance/ McConaughey Sandwich. Whether they be cycling, doing sit-ups, binge drinking, cycling, bongo-banging, or participating in wet t-shirt contests, one thing is certain: The friendship between Jakey, Myatt n’ Lyance may not be a gay three-way tryst, but it is certainly the gayest thing we’ve seen all year.

8. Rosie O’Donnell Outs Clay Aiken. It all began with an innocent, poorly timed joke between the infinitely creepy Clay Aiken and permaperky Kelly Ripa. The incident then birthed it’s own little baby, a feud between newly anointed View co-host and staunch lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, who accused Kelly Ripa of being homophobic. Which is hilarious, because, as far as we knew, Clay Aiken was a total vagina fiend. Thanks for clearing that up, Ro!

7. Ryan Seacrest Makes Out With Teri Hatcher. Need we say publicity whore? Whether or not he likes playing “Hide the Gilded Microphone” with Merv Griffin or not, there’s no denying how staged the romance is between Ryan Seacrest and Desperate Single Mom Teri Hatcher is in this photo. “Anus-Mouth” has never made more sense in our eyes.

6. Soap Opera Hires Transgendered Character from Planet Xornon. All My Children took daytime TV to a whole new place this year, hiring its first transgendered character in an effort to normalize stay-at-home moms to lifestyles they might dub as being “devious.” Also, they named this character Zarf. Nice going. We would also like to congratulate Zarf’s lesbian doppelganger, Mary Cheney, on her baby.

5. Models Can Be Lesbians Too! America’s Next Top Model is a reality show that sets out to find 6-foot-tall bony beauties from farm country in order to thrust them into a life of European cocaine orgies. But who would have known that, in the process, they would also cast model lesbians? Rumors began early on that former winner Eva Pigford was dating Queen Latifah, and Cycle 5 featured the openly gay Kim. But this past season confirmed two – yes, two! – anorexic lady lovers on the cast: one of the skinny witch twin girls, and the actually pretty Charlize Theron lookalike. If only they could cast a few more, next season of ANTM could reach Cinemaxesque soft-core proportions.

4. Dreamgirls Is This Year’s Brokeback Mountain. We got a call from a friend on Monday, who gave us this report from a Dreamgirls screening in New York: “The entire audience was gay men and straight women.” Indeed, Dreamgirls (our favorite movie of the year — our being mine, I’ll give the guys a break on this one) is the gayest romp since Heath and Jake zipped their sleeping bags into a single love cocoon. Those outfits! That hair! That weird gay disco dancing scene with the huge red light sabers! An overweight black diva! We only hope this movie is wearing protection as it thrusts its power ballads up into your musical loving ass.

3. Even the Pope is Gay. It’s true – Pope “B16”, as he is known (gay nickname, anyone?) has been accused of carrying on a sordid affair with his secretary, the debonair Monsignor Georg Gänswein. Never did the term “Right Hand Man” ring truer. (Please note: #3 is a shameless attempt to link back to our post worshipping Monsignor Georg Gänswein. It’s not every day we have a reason to use our “umlaut” key.)

2. Steve Carell Kisses a Man. Season 3 of The Office kicked off with some delicious man-on-man passion in the episode Gay Witch Hunt, when clueless boss Michael Scott goes out of his way to prove that, while he is not gay himself, he loves the gays! His liplock with Oscar at the end could have very well made our year. And yet, it’s not number one. Because that distinction has to go to the one thing that defined the gayness of 2006…

1. Getting “Lanced.” It all began when an unknown blogger in L.A. made it his mission to ruin the lives of hundreds of B-List celebrities by outing them on his website, spawning the new millennium’s version of Gay McCarthyism. First outed was N’Syncer Lance Bass, whose romance with hunky Reichen Lehmkuhl finally became public as a result of the constant accusations. As a result, we were left with both the term “getting Lanced” as well as a hilarious People Magazine cover. Next up was Grey’s Anatomy T.R. Knight, who was lanced and then gay bashed by co-star Isaiah Washington. But the real winner this year? Neil Patrick Harris, of Doogie Howser fame, who took the high road by admitting that, yes, he was gay and proud of it. Sit through his sitcom How I Met Your Mother as a thank you.

Posted by Michelle Collins at 12/27/06 2:30pm | Permalink |
Categories: Entertainment, Top 10 Lists, Gossip
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At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pigford was allegedly dating Missy Elliott not Queen Latifah. Get ya rumors right....


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