thegaygardener

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

2010-03-14T23:56:00.000-07:00

How's the weather where u are? The sun has FINALLY Started to shine here in Southern California Thank God!
As gardeners we do have a lot riding on the weather!

Tuesday is Saint Patrick's Day & let's face it HE must have been a GARDENER! How else did he stoop & find that damn Shamrock with the three leaves in order to explain the Holy Trinity! And Yes! people, I KNOW St. Patrick was Italian! But he didn't achieve CELEBRITY until he moved to IRELAND!!

I have mentioned this before but to my Irish Catholic Family... St Patrick's Day was this blessed event after Christmas & before Easter that was truly a cause for celebration!!

We always had corned beef & cabbage (disgusting!) My Mom always made Irish Potatoes (which are really buttercream Easter Eggs but rolled in cinnamon instead of chocolate!) And my Dad & his brother; Uncle Andrew; always went to Mass & then took my beloved NANA out to lunch afterwards! My Father was Charles & his brother is Andrew...just like the ROYAL FAMILY!!! So there!

I can still see my Father dressing for Mass on St Paddy's Day in a grey suit & a green tie secured by this lovely golden shamrock with real "fake" emeralds tie clasp that I still covet!

St Paddy's (please do NOTE the Ds not the Ts!) is a great excuse for decorating, taking off work AND DRINKING!!! As my beloved Grandmother; HANNAH FRIEL TRAINER used to say: "If it wasn't for WHISKEY the IRSIH would rule the world!" Absolutely ignoring the fact of JFK of course!

As you know I like to REPURPOSE things and so I love little creamers & pitchers & butter dishes & any old ceramic piece!!
Here I found a lovely cream colored sugar bowl with handles & a great green ribbon & put ENGLISH (DAMN!) Ivy in it for display!
Also my BUSTY ITALIAN friend; BRUNO sports a SHAMROCK TIARA from the 99 Cents Store! And one of my faves....a Garden Gnome Leprechaun Candle holder just DEMANDS attention on this great CELTIC Feast!

Hope you all have a great day! And DRINK RESPONSIBLY! I myself. am off to THE OLD COUNTRY....MEXICO!! For some very much needed R & R!

And By The Way...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearest MOTHER....MRS. TRAINER...who turns 68 on TUESDAY!!!! ANd yes you are correct...she'll SHOOT me if she discovers I told her real age on this FLOGGING thing I do all day!!
Love you Joanne!!!

Oscar 2010 Decorating

2010-03-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Several of you have written to me asking in advance for next year I suppose; how 2 decorate for an Oscar Party.

There are so many options!

One good resource are your Christmas Decorations!! Believe it or not!! Look for big round clear strings of lights, anything STAR shaped or any RED fabric! I made an actual RED CARPET leading into our party out of a piece of FAUX red VELVET that I once used as a Christmas tree skirt!!

Also, you know my tip about using your old Photo NEGATIVES wrapped around votive candle holders PERFECT! Also old film canisters or containers work great because HEY! We're CELEBRATING FILM!!!

Grab some cheap 35 ML film from The 99 Cents Store and use for streamers or table runners or just hang from the ceiling! Pull the film out of the cartridge...its already "curled" for you & go to town!

Also check your personal LIBRARY!! I'm willing to bet that you have at least a few ENTERTAINMENT themed books; be they novels or non-fiction works, about famous Movie Stars or famous Films!! Stack them prominently on the mantel or a table & decorate around them!! For our party I collected these titles from my personal library:

WHAT MAKES SAMMY RUN? YOU'LL NEVER EAT LUNCH IN THIS TOWN AGAIN, THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE, HOLLYWOOD BABYLON, HOLLYWOOD BABYLON II, INSIDE OSCAR, etc. Any star BIO would do nicely too!

Also any sort of TROPHIES After all what is OSCAR but the ULTIMATE Trophy??? I have a collection of loving cups trophies that I love to fill with flowers. You can take you little boy's PEE WEE LEAGUE All STAR Trophy & work THAT into your Oscar decorating!!

I've had yet another REALITY SHOW AUDITION that has resulted in nothing & am thinking it may be time to pack all this gay-guy-who-loves-a-party-and-a-THEME- & loves- to-decorate- with- what- is- on- hand- thingie and go sell insurance or some regular kind of job!! I am ALMOST MIDDLE AGED for Christ sake!!

Oscar 2010

2010-03-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

ugh! What a non event Oscar 2010 was! The show gets worse every year which I suppose is part of the fun!
But seriously can we all agree that CORAL LIPSTICK is just plain WRONG!!?!?!? Sandra Bullock looked terrific in that Marchessa dress but I was so distracted by her tragic lips I couldn't concentrate on anything else. Except for perhaps the sight of Sandy accepting an OSCAR for Best Actress for a role that can be summed up by:

"MAAAAKEL! Dooon't Yooooo DAIR LAAAAAAH toooo Maaaaayyyy!"

That crazy-white-lady-KANYE, that stupid matching of nominees & escorts like it was a PROM, BARBRA STREISAND giving it away that a WOMAN had won (though BIGELOW was brilliant & FLAWLESS!) ugh! Playing HELEN REDDY's "I Am Woman" after Bigelow won, J-Lo's dress appearing as if it was in the act of giving birth to another dress and so on!

It's o.k. even justified to be cheesey & campy but BORING should be a Capital Offense

Catching Up Part Deux

2010-02-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

oops here's Valentine's Day

Catching Up

2010-02-17T19:54:00.000-08:00

OMG!!! Miss me??? I cannot believe it's been so long since I've updated.

When we last spoke I was knee-deep in Thanksgiving! Great success this year...30 for dinner (3 round tables of 10) A lot of fun new decor too. I reused the bails of hay from the "Haunted House" from Halloween & made & really cool bar & benches for outdoor seating. All the flowers & the mantel turned out really lovely too. Still love those mini pumpkins carved out with long tapers inserted on every surface...really makes the room GLOW! Another cool centerpiece for outdoors was a re-used seltzer bottle case with a tall Fountain Grass inside surrounded by moss! Oh, and bunches of marigolds everywhere...they do not make for good cutting flowers but big punches in different pots will keep for the day & look SPLENDID!

And OH! Christmas!! I did an artificial white snowy tree with red lights & red balls & ornaments that cast such a PINK glow it was the GAYEST tree ever or at least one that would be fitting for MALIBU BARBIE's DREAM HOUSE!!!

And before I knew it...VALENTINE's Day!! A small dinner al fresco @ Chez GayGardener.TIP #1 Save all your red fabric & bows & ornaments & angel/cherub decorations & reuse them again for VD TIP#2 or just head to the 99 Cents Store & buy all new ones! As I told my guests: " 99% of my Valentine's decorations came from the 99 Cents Store." Foil red hearts, hanging "mod" L-O-V-E mobiles, red velvet roses....really cute things! But they sell out fast! I'll have to start earlier next year!

So much more to tell but will have to do it in spurts...I'm working on ST. Paddy's Day and of course...OSCAR!!!!

And what's new with YOU????

2009-11-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

I just love Thanksgiving don’t you? It’s all just about a great meal with those you love. You don’t have to buy presents, you don’t have to go to church, hell,you don’t even have to get dressed up at all. I hear straight men sit around watching football all day.

I’m getting ready for our annual Thanksgiving “orphans dinner” We have many friends like us who don’t have family in Los Angeles or who (I would say very smartly) choose to not be with their families. I’m buying flowers at the Hollywood Farmer’s Market, ironing linens, washing little used serving platters & reminiscing while my house looks like a soundstage.

I was remembering today a Thanksgiving in 1978 with my family in Pennsylvania. I was 15 years old. I think I can pin-point this date as the exact day I realized I was “different”

It was the first year my Mother was cooking and playing hostess. Her Mother; who had always taken care of the Holidays, had died of breast cancer at the age of 60 earlier in the year. My Grandmother was a fantastic cook. She earned her living AND her place in heaven by cooking for the priests in a local seminary. Her only child, my mother …not so much. But by God, she was determined we would have the day exactly as if Gram Mom were still here.

So there we were: the seven Trainer children, my parents & my newly widowed Pop Pop. There was the usual heavy tension that comes from having 10 people crammed into a 3 bedroom suburban house. Maybe a small fistfight or two between the boys & some yelling from the small kitchen as my Mother attempted to recreate her mother’s decades of successful holidays. Soon dinner was about ready & My Mom was calling us to the table.

I had of course arranged the flowers with the mums that were growing in our yard. I had also folded the napkins into this “Prince of Wales Feathers” style I saw in a magazine & had placed all the forks one & a half inches from the rim of the table! As my mother was still yelling: “DINNER’S READY!!” I looked at the table to realize to my horror, something VITAL was missing. “Where are the candles? I asked. “CANDLES??” My incredulous mother queried. “”We have plenty of light…we don’t need candles!” “Candles are not about light…we’re NOT READING at the table….they’re about CHARM & AMBIENCE!” (Both new words for me!) I replied. “I’ll be right back!” I shouted. I had just gotten my learner’s permit to drive. And illegally unaccompanied; my first mission would be to find an open store on Thanksgiving Day; in small town PA, where I could get some candles.

After several false starts I found an open 7/11! Sure enough they had what I thought (then) were some terrific orange tapers with faux wax horns-of -plenty attached…Just the thing. I raced back & when I returned home I could see (and hear) my Mother was still calling everyone to the table (something called OVERTIME!) I placed my new purchase in some old candle sticks & was justifiably proud of my accomplishment.

The dinner was a complete disaster! My Mom, in her Freshman effort, had so overcooked the turkey it fell soupily from the bone and had overcooked the stuffing so that it was mainly burnt.. We ended up having to eat the turkey with a spoon & having to CARVE the stuffing!

As we all sat grumbling & complaining aloud; my Pop Pop looked up at my Mom & said in his most serious voice: “I think it’s DELCIOUS!” at which point he began to cry. And then my Mother started crying, and then we all; my Dad & my six siblings; all started to cry. It was just no good. It wasn’t the ingredients, or the food, or the chef…it was that my Gram Mom wasn’t there & nothing would ever be the same again!

And that was the year I asked myself: ”What’s It All about, Alfie?” When your peers are watching football or trying to smoke some weed while their parents prepare a dinner with their cousins whom they hate…why are you thinking about place settings & CANDLES???

I think we all now KNOW the answer. That’s what I was thinking about today with 2 days left til Thanksgiving.

Third Floor: Ladies' Lingerie

2009-11-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

You know why TheGayGardener Wants to just MOVE into the 99 Cents Store ; he loves it so much...because today I was there looking for Christmas Decorations. And the selection just keeps getting better (eg. lots of sequined items... trees, terrific over-sized balls, long glittery ice sycles etc.) I look across the aisle & see a lovely selection of BRAS

Oh not just any bras...but the "New York Elegance Line" In a fabulous HARVEST GOLD Color with a brown braided applique (Hello??? HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Couldn't be more timely!) Seriously you could find multiple sizes & they seemed; with my very limited knowledge, very well constructed

So I bought some Christmas balls, candles, a Thanksgiving flag, some really nice gift tags AND I coulda bought a BRA... all for 99 Cents!! Is this a great country or what?? What WOULD the Pilgrims think????

Roman Crypt

2009-10-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

So here we are…HALLOWEEN WEEKEND! And you know what that means…CHRISTMAS EVE is, like tomorrow!!! Oh God!

I’m really more of a jack-o-lantern, black cat, “sheet” ghost kind of a guy. This whole “day of the Dead” thing freaks me out! But because all the latest Halloween decorations are more focused on the “eerie” things I’ve given in.

This table top tableau was fun & easy to do. I used a lot of my (previously mentioned) “Negative” votive candles…AABs (all available BUSTS & Statues) White mini pumpkins & lots of delicately placed spider webbing. One fun thing is to use your computer to print out actual black & white photos of “real” ghosts or monuments & memorials from actual cemeteries. It’s a whole EURO MAUSELEUM LOOK> Put in inexpensive black frames & display. No end to the possibilities.

I’ll probably join the multitudes on Santa Monica Blvd at the Halloween Parade in West Hollywood. The times & the country have changed so much that the actual gay people will be in the minority this year at the festivities!

BOO!

Dah Dah Dah Dumm

2009-10-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

Is there an extra week in this month or what? Doesn’t it seem like October is going on forever & that Halloween should have been last weekend? Maybe like Christmas now we start planning for it & looking forward to it too early, say July 4th?

Anyway this Saturday is finally Halloween. And since it falls on a Saturday it’s likely to be a big blowout for many of us. That is if the wind doesn’t sweep the West Coast of the Country away first.

You know I love California; for all its faults. Fires, mudslides, traffic & droughts. It is a land of such extremes. It doesn’t rain for six months then you get six month’s worth of rain in a day! And oohhhh the winds!

It’s easy to forget you live in a desert. Then a scary wind will just pick up with no warning & you swear you’ll be carried along with it. I came home tonight to destruction. Picture frames blown off tabletops, papers from my desk scattered everywhere, vases tipped over, draperies askew. Saddest of all BEETHOVEN died!

He was kitschy & campy but I loved him. I found this old bust at a garage sale & proudly displayed him in my garden! (After I washed off all the gold 70’s paint!) In Spring his head would be crowned with jasmine & potato flowers like some “May King” Yea well all the king’s horses & all the king’s men (nor TheGayGardener) could put Ludwig back together again! Smashed into a million pieces thanks to these godawful winds! On the bright side, the skies will be clear tomorrow what with the smog having been swept away by these same destroyers! I’ll miss you Luddy!

They Say It's Your Birthday...

2009-10-24T01:20:00.000-07:00

"Come to the edge!" he said.
"I can't!" I said, "I'm afraid."

"Come to the edge!" he said,
"I can't" I said, "I'll fall off!"

"Come to the edge!" he said.

And so I came to the edge.

AND HE PUSHED ME....

And I FLEW!!!!!

-Anonymous

I wouldn't be here without you & without you I wouldn't want to be here!!!

Happy Birthday Buddy!!!

Sweet 16

2009-10-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

From THE SAM DIARIES

I like to say that Sam & I met on the last day of my 29th year & that I stayed that age in his eyes, if no one else’s.
Everyone thinks that their pet is special. Mine was specially neurotic. I wish I knew where he got it! Unlike most dogs I see in Los Angeles he hated riding in the car. He would only sleep in his “doggy bed” if it was placed on top of my bed. He lived the entire last year of his life eating nothing but avocadoes & imported Italian Parmesan Cheese (@ $24 per lb!) And oh…he smoked! Yea I am deeply ashamed to admit it but Sam loved a good cigarette!

He was very beautiful & very vain & I think he thought the Parliament Lights kept his weight in check. He didn’t exactly light up. But as a medically diagnosed “garbage eater” ( I paid some vet a lot of money for that insight!) he’d plow though anything in the trash,: rotten food, empty shampoo bottles; he loved a good used disposable razor (& never a mark in his mouth!) and all the ciggy butts he could find! It took me a while to realize this. But on the rare occasion I would happen to light one up (cough! cough!) Sam would start barking at me loudly & urgently; til one day I realized he was asking to bum a smoke…he was completely addicted. Nicotine gum is NOT an option for pets & they don’t as yet make a “Doggy PATCH” So eventually he had to quit cold turkey! He was pretty miserable & did pack on a few pounds but I never said a word about it!

How do you tell the story of your life with a dog? We played fetch, he slobbered on the guests, barked at the mailman, ate a biscuit etc.??
I’m not a “pet person” really. It was my EX’s idea to get a dog. We had just “lost” a cat to the coyotes in the Hollywood Hills and wanted to improve our odds with a larger animal. With no notion or research, we ended up with an English Springer Spaniel we named: “Charmichael’s Canyonwood Sam” (something fancy for the AKC Papers!) Son of Champion “Reverence” & “Cachet”.

His mother was a bitch (we had that in common) DOB: October 18, 1993.

We actually didn’t pick him up from the breeder until December 18th 1993 just in time for my Birthday.

So after the love of my life (ha!) whom I moved 3,00 miles across the country to be with; decided after more than 6 years, that he couldn’t live without the younger, handsomer, caterer he hired for our Christmas party, this despite the fact that the lad nearly poisoned all of our friends with undercooked turkey, I got custody of Willie the cat & Sam the dog…the kids. Oh & $5,000 out of the $1.8 Million he had made that year. It was the best “Severance Package” I ever got.

Somebody once said that to own a pet is a guaranteed heart ache. The odds are just no good that they will outlive you. And so here sits Sam, now on my desk, in a lovely urn from Smith & Hawken; waiting for me, like always, to come home & take him out for a walk.

Happy 16th Birthday Buddy!

I love & miss you

Bubble, bubble TOILE and Trouble

2009-10-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

You know what I just love TOILE!! I know…fussy, fancy, very SISTER PARRISH but it works in any number of styles, hides the dirt & LASTS!!

I really love the black & white print. Classic yes but also works great for a spookier kind of décor. Grab a remnant for a Halloween tablecloth or cut sections & place in cheap black frames & place them all around the house.
This is my Halloween Terrace. I’ve gathered some of my garden busts, lots of various sized pumpkins arranged in groups & all placed on a toile remnant. This is one classy Fright Party (if I do say so myself!)

Halloween Headquarters

2009-10-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

Yep that’s what the 99 Cents store call itself & boy are they right! (BTW any IT people can tell me how to get the “cents” symbol so I can stop writing out c.e.n.t.s.?) Pick up some those “black silk roses” and shove them in every available vase, jar & open container in your house for quick, cheap, spooky, décor!

It may rain or be chilly in many parts of the country this weekend so here’s a little family Holiday project:
A Halloween Chandelier:

Just rake that ripped or stained old umbrella you’ve been meaning to get rid of. Remove remaining fabric. You can hot glue votive cups to the tips of the upturned umbrella frame or you can simply decorate it with spooky craft items: orange Christmas balls (!!) spider webbing** or this great black feather boa (yep 99 Cents Store!) Suspend from ceiling with a large cup hook or use a plant hanger for outside use!

Above is TheGayGardener on one of his first Halloween trick-or-treat nights! I simply refused to wear the mask. I felt I could convey the “TWEETY BIRD” character more authentically just using my own facial expressions. Yes, an affected child, I agree!

** a Note About Spider Webbing: This stuff is as dangerous as tinsel!
One 1/8 of a bag is enough to do the entire front porch, or your average dining room display. Grab a half a handful & stretch it, stretch it, stretch it! I hate Halloween decorations ruined by what looks like a ghoulish PILLOW FIGHT. Really, a little goes a long way!

Nineteen and Counting

2009-10-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

Ooh only nineteen days left til Halloween! And of course the rains have started in Los Angeles so I’ll be going as NOAH (again!) on Fright Night

Recycling is so chic right now, isn’t it? Here’s an idea…You know those dreadful dust gathering artificial plants you acquired sometime in the 80’s? That one in the powder room or other dark spot where you were sure no real plant would ever grow? Let’s recycle it (them?) shall we?
Just spray paint the whole dam thing black & viola you have a scary & fantastic Halloween centerpiece that you can haul out once a year & place a succulent or air fern in the powder room to replace the tacky fake one!

Another cool Halloween thing is to recycle those boxes of old photo negatives. Wrap a strip of the more dramatically contrasting ones around a votive candle. Not the “precious” ones of course; but those of folks you hardly know (or knew) or the ones that were too out of focus to actually print photos from. They’ll look very eerie once you light the tealights. This is also a fun décor item for your annual OSCAR PARTY too! It is after all a celebration of film!

Oh & Happy Columbus Day too! I once named my three goldfish: Nina, Pinta, & Santa Maria! I was a strange; yet historically aware child!

Halloween Deco

2009-10-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

Here's an easy one:

One black pot (or black paint to paint a terra cotta one)
One orange kalanchoe and...DONE

P.S. My favorite resource; The 99 Cents Store had some great kalanchoes last week for yea, well you know how much it cost!

Sign of The Times

2009-10-07T23:36:00.001-07:00

There's a cute little retail space on Sunset Blvd. It was actually the original Kenneth Cole Store in L.A.
Kenny has moved on & it now stands empty & has for months & months.
Some clever person has now turned it into a mini used car lot.
So here we have an antique VW "Bug" sitting right next to a used ROLLS ROYCE & NOT the only Rolls in this tiny auto display.
But this particular one is said to have been owned by Michael Jackson.
A car lot /memorabilia space that was once a shoe store n Sunset Blvd!!!

"They paved paradise & they put up a parking lot!" Joni Mitchell

That Darn Cat

2009-10-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

If I said I saw a Disney movie at the DRIVE-IN with the above title would I be dating myself? Ok then, I borrowed the memory from my much older brother. But it did have HAYLEY MILLS & DEAN JONES in it & Jones was my first movie crush; only to be quickly replaced by KURT RUSSELL!
Anyway for those of you who do not know what the hell I’m talking about but are feeling a little “crafty” at this time of year; why not make this quick & easy Halloween decoration?
All you need are 3 small spice pumpkins, some black paint, a wooden dowel (or even several wooden bbq skewers) some pins & buttons & Bippity-Boppity-Boo you got yourself a dander free pet!
* Take three small pumpkins (you can use small medium & larger) just like you were building a snowman. Cut off the stems. And paint them all black; spray paint is easiest.
* Insert a dowel through all three or use three skewers between the bottom & middle pumpkin
*Cut slits in top pumpkin & attach “ears you’ve made from black folded paper stock triangles.
* Attach buttons for eyes nose & mouth with pins with colored heads. Or use all pink headed pins for mouth
* Add a curled black pipe cleaner tail
*Feather boa is optional (well not in my house it’s not!)

meow!

Suddenly Autumn

2009-10-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

OMG!! Can you feel it? It’s fall already! You can practically smell the apple cider in the air…well its L.A. so maybe that’s just Sugar Free REDBULL I smell!?

Anyway, as the days grow shorter we all be spending less time outdoors in the garden now’s a good time to clean up, prune away & cut back. Roses should be given a last pruning & a good feeding before the very cold weather begins. Also a marvelous time to start an indoor windowsill herb garden so you’ll have plenty of rosemary & thyme for all your Holiday baking!

And speaking of Holidays… you can tell Halloween is here because all the stores have their CHRISTMAS Decorations on display! Ugh! In lieu of gardening tips, as is my custom; I’ll start to share with you the Halloween Happenings around thegaygardener home!

And the first tip as always is CANDY CORN!! Again, this stuff costs like $1 per truckload & there is no end to its decorative use. I like to fill all those cheap florists vases with this candy. I use various shapes & heights & fill to staggered depths. You can place votives in the candy filled vases or even flowers or plants (just use a separate container to hole the flowers & “hide’ that container with the candy.

Or if you’re cutting down on SWEETS make your own useful artificial Candy Corn. We gardeners always have an extra terra cotta pot (or 50) lying around. Just take one of those spongy paint applicators & paint a stripe of yellow, orange & white around the pot. Fill with some lovely Fall mums or any of your indoor plants. Do several of varying heights for a lovely display or centerpiece!

Here’s to a BOOtiful Autumn. (which in our modern vernacular now sounds a bit..dirty!

“Yea, I liked ROSEMARY’S BABY…I just like REAL babies more!”

Blogger on The Huffington Post re: Roman Polanski

THE SILVER PALATE

2009-09-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

SHEILA LUKINS died over this past weekend. And if her name is unfamiliar to you her work isn’t. Along with her partner JULEE ROSSO they created a fabulous Upper West side take out shop which spawned one of the best selling cookbooks of all time! They were JULIA & JULIE for another age. The takeout age.
The legendary chef restaurateur, MARY SUE MILLIKEN summed up Sheila’s legacy best:

"From tiny little shops like the Silver Palate, people started realizing they didn't have the time but still wanted it handmade and delicious," said Mary Sue Milliken, co-chef and co-owner of the local Border Grill and Ciudad restaurants. "Look what's happened -- now you walk into every grocery store and they have this 'grab and go' thing, which all spawned from these shops."

You may have purchased some of Sheila’s products at your grocery store & if you did I bet you were quite happy with your purchase! And if you do not currently have a copy of THE SILVER PALATE COOKBOOK I highly recommend you buy one right away! Legend has it that Sheila’s catering career began when the bachelor next door found himself completely overwhelmed & begged Sheila to cook the meal for his dinner party & it was a smashing success!
TheGayGardener can credit The SILVER PALATE with saving many of his dinner party’s! I still make their Warm Spinach Salad, Chocolate Chip Cookie & Old Fashioned Potato Salad Recipes! Just look at the photo of my very stained & very used & very loved copy of The Silver Palate Cookbook!

And I’ve spoken of this before; but their SANGRIA Recipe is positive genius! You may recall that I followed Sheila’s Sangria recipe to the letter. But like any time -crunched chef I made it several days in advance. Not recognizing the laws of FERMENTATION!! Suffice it to say that the end product was a certifiable HALLUCINGEN! We sang songs, people got naked, people came out of the closet (or were OUTED!) Marriages were made & destroyed!! It WAS THAT GOOD!! Frankly, it was the best party I have ever hosted; thanks to SHEILA! I hope she’s in Heaven now hosting a wonderful party herself!! Bon Apetit!

Pad Thai

2009-09-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just read a great quote about media today:
“ The thing is nothing in today’s newspaper HAPPENED TODAY!”

And that’s one reason the internet & it’s constant updating is so important. But in a related matter we’re running out of content. So often I look at the headlines on Wire Services & Yahoo & my local news & think yes! That is an interesting story but the headline makes it seem like it just happened & I read about this LAST WEEK!

Conversely today I see the following on YAHOO NEWS :

BANGKOK -
Attention Internet-savvy travelers: Thailand is giving away free trips to five lucky couples who don't mind sitting in front of a computer while on vacation.
The Tourism Authority of Thailand launched a new campaign Tuesday offering five couples fully paid trips to the country's most popular cities and beaches. In return, they will be asked to blog, chat and tweet about their holiday in a bid to win a grand prize of $10,000, a BlackBerry and a video camera.
Applicants should be "good storytellers" and must know how to navigate YouTube, Twitter, Facebook and Flickr, the TAT said on the contest's newly launched Web site http://www.utlimatethailandexplorer.com where one-minute video auditions can be submitted until Oct. 15.
Thailand's tourism industry is facing its worst crisis in years, with foreign arrivals down 15 percent so far this year because of political upheaval and the global recession.
Tourism officials say they were inspired by Australia's recent highly publicized campaign dubbed the "Best Job in the World." The contest to serve as the caretaker on a tropical Australian island for six months, while promoting the destination on a blog, drew 35,000 applicants and worldwide media attention.
"We got the idea from Australia," said TAT official Phanom Kaributra, who is coordinating the contest. "We think it's a good way to use social networking to promote Thailand."

“Great!” I think. “This has ME written all over it!” So I go to the site linked.
GUESS WHAT? It’s a DOMAIN REGISTRATION site. Our good Thai friends registered the domain but I presume did NOT actually create a site where one can enter the contest! Well they are still rebuilding from the tsunami, I’ll cut them some slack!

I am A Camera

2009-09-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

I may not take the best photos but I do have the best equipment! No…I’m talking about my new camera the NIKON COOLPIX!

Splendid! Small & sleek with a beautiful & vivid screen & quite easy to use. Oh, & did I mention the thing “talks” to you? Not in a voice but it asks questions on the screen after you take the shot. Seriously. It displays the last photo, senses something may be amiss & asks:

1.” Did someone blink?”
2. “Shouldn’t the subject retouch their hair & makeup & try again?”
3. “Do we really want that dreadful overdone plaid sofa in the background?”

OK well only the first one is true but its still pretty cool.

But my very favorite thing is this:
When the battery is low in other cameras you get a message along the lines of: “Battery low” or “please recharge” or “battery life is x”

Not with this fancy baby! Instead the screen reads (very dramatically!)
“THE BATTERY IS EXHAUSTED”

Exhausted!!???? Like a hospitalized starlet after a booze & coke filled binge! Exhausted!!!!

This has got to be the gayest camera ever ( and it does come in some really fabulous colors!) I LOVE IT!

Overheard Part III

2009-09-01T00:21:00.000-07:00

As you all know; TheGayGardener lives at the very enviable corner of Genesee & Oakwood; just north of CBS Television City. Being so close to the studio where they shoot many episodes of AMERICAN IDOL, THE PRICE IS RIGHT, DANCING WITH THE STARS, BILL MAHER etc has its privileges!

One of those being; that simply by keeping the windows open on a hot summer day, I get to eavesdrop on fascinating conversations & overhear people talking on their phones! As before, unedited here is a sampling of snippets I have been able to glean in just the past month:

* “So what? You’re fuc**** BI NOW?”
“ I keep having the same nightmare; over & over again!”
“I didn’t care when you fuc*** around in MEXICO!”
“They oughta take your license away!”
“Are you in the middle of the PREGNANCY TEST? Is there a hand up you now?”
“No all hope is lost! No! He didn’t kill himself but he is in a persistant vegetative state & we’ll have o decide about pulling the plug!”

And after overhearing each of these statements TheGayGardener felt he has absolutely NO problems whatsoever!!!

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on FIRE

2009-08-31T22:58:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! Los Angeles BURNING! I am sure you've seen the coverage of the myriad fires burning thought Southern CA this week! Just devastating. Thousands of acres burned, hundreds of homes destroyed, dozens more evacuated, 2 brave firefighters dead...just awful!

I am not making light of this but it almost seems Biblical! The state of California is completely bankrupt. It even had to send out IOUs for State tax refunds! We are witnessing the greatest migration OUT of the state (particularly Los Angeles County) than at any time since before WWII. And now Mother Nature weighs in with this horrific plague of hyper destructive fires....

I never "lead a witness" but I am wondering if God himself isn't just plain pissed off at the passage of PROP 8 & the hate that it enshrined in our State Constitution! I guess it could all be a coincidence!

The one odd effect of the fires that I have never seen before are the cloud formations. Over every hill & mountain in L.A. you can see these great sort of "stacked" clouds, dozens of stories high in the sky; that resemble the plumes of smoke after a rocket takes off at Cape Canaveral. But you soon sadly realize that despite their beauty these are signs of destruction & off trapped smoke & gasses piling high in the sky over a recently destroyed area of our beautiful city! Sad!

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

2009-08-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

Senator Edward Moore Kennedy died last night. Not unexpected but sad nonetheless. It can be said that the Camelot era has now officially come to an end. There are no more KENNEDYS to run for President! My sympathies go out to his family & My thanks go to a merciful God who allowed this good & flawed man to serve so well & so long in the United States Senate.

I’ve mentioned this before; but to my Irish Catholic Family the Kennedys were ranked only slightly below the Holy Trinity! (Remember GG Fans: If you ever come across a print of “My Beloved Johns” that show the Sacred Heart of Jesus with his arms around JFK & Pope John XXIII I will pay big money for that; as it hung it our living room most of my life growing up!)

Much will be said about the passing of Teddy Kennedy & all of it by better & more learned folks than me. But a troubling thing (to me) has surfaced in the initial obituary coverage.

Sen. Kennedy’s widow, VICTORIA REGGIE KENNEDY, seems a lovely person & I am sure the Senator felt lucky to have her as a partner. But the “tone” of the coverage has Teddy being basically a rougish, drunken, lout, hell bent on destruction, until the appearance of Vickie; at which point he turned his life around! And I am sure there is SOME truth to this. Especially when you consider Kennedy’s post-Chappaquiddick nadir: that dreadful rape trial of his nephew, Stephen Smith, in Palm Beach. The Senator’s life DID seem to change for the better after that.

But the subtext of all this is that until Vickie came along the Senator was in dire need of the love & support of a good woman who would help him turn it all around! And that sentiment is admirable until you realize it’s not true!

He had the love & support of a good woman; his FIRST wife; JOAN BENNETT KENNEDY until his drinking & carousing drove her own timid soul into the refuge of a bottle!

JBK was a gorgeous woman. The MOST beautiful of the Kennedy woman & in fact had been a former model until she married the brother of her college friend; JEAN KENNEDY SMITH. So pretty in fact; that JFK had dubbed her “the dish” She did everything required of her, followed all the rules, kept up appearances & bore him three children & still & still that was not enough. Perhaps because of the huge price that history demanded of him, the good Senator felt entitled to more of life’s more pleasurable offerings. Who knows?

But this much is true: Joan Kennedy suffered a great deal too. Imagine being put on bed rest after miscarrying two times & finding yourself pregnant again. Only you have to defy your Doctor’s orders to remain in bed, because your husband has been involved in a drunken car accident that has resulted in the death of a young campaign worker who was his passenger that night. So you do your hair & makeup, put on a pretty dress; do the whole TAMMY WYNETTE & Stand by your man as he pleads guilty to leaving the scene of an accident & then of course, as a good girl & a good wife; you must accompany him to the tragic girl’s funeral! That is what the political machine requires of you! And you do it! Only this activity; of course, results in the loss of your third child due to miscarriage.

Is it any surprise that a stranger finds you bleeding & incoherent in a gutter 15 years later!??

All I’m saying is that TED KENNEDY managed to live a life of purpose, full of good works, after these very sad post assassination periods. And he managed to stop drinking & carousing & as NBC News said today: “He grew up!”

But there was a beautiful & accomplished grown up right there beside him the whole time, if only he had noticed her & done right by her; at least then much of HER suffering would have been alleviated!

I am happy that TEDDY is now not suffering. And joyful to think of him reunited with Eunice & Bobby & Jack & Joe & Kick & Rosemary, his parents Rose & Joseph; Jackie & his beloved nephew; John John!

And I imagine them all sailing & drinking & laughing on one of the glorious lakes in Heaven

Good Bye Mr Dunne

2009-08-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

Dominick Dunne died today & VANITY FAIR might as well cease to publish. The magazine has become but a former shadow of itself (JESSICA SIMPSON anyone?) & Dunne was really the only reason to keep reading it; let alone subscribe.

This is from a posting I wrote a year ago when I first heard he was ill

I have long been a fan of his & have read every book he ever wrote as well as a terrific collection of photos & stories about his life in Hollywood called, THE WAY WE LIVED THEN which has an iconic photo, taken by Mr. Dunne, of the gorgeous NATALIE WOOD, reapplying her lipstick using the blade of a butter knife for a mirror! Two of his best sellers were turned into terrific mini-series, THE TWO MRS. GRENVILLES & AN INCONVENIENT WOMAN. He has not had the easiest life. He was a successful producer who fell on hard times & lost everything, his beloved wife was confined to a wheelchair, & his only daughter, DOMINIQUE, was brutally murdered by her boyfriend who strangled her in the driveway of her home & ended up serving less than 3 years in jail for manslaughter. His coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial made Dunne a household name. His constant courtroom presence & highly tuned sense of justice has vexed many an attorney; prosecution & defense. Legendary lawyer, LESLIE ABRAMSON once mocked him as “Judith Krantz in pants!” Dunne had the last laugh as Abramson’s famous clients; The Menendez Brothers, still rot in jail for the murder of their parents.  I met Dunne once in a restaurant in Beverly Hills at the height of the O.J. hysteria. Other diners included, Sidney Poitier, Candace Bergen, Carol Burnett, famous directors, writers & agents. The room was packed. And the only person that people were desperate to talk to was Dominick Dunne.  
I just found a collection of his V.F. columns published in 1987 called, FATAL CHARMS. Fabulous pieces on his daughter’s murder, Elizabeth Taylor, The Women of Palm Beach & Claus von Bulow. A 21 yr-old book that reads as if it was written today. Classic. Like Dominick.

Dunne spent the past year seeking alternative treatments to his cancer. Including even a stint in a German hospital specializing in stem cell treatment the same place FARRAH FAWCETT was! Dunne, true to form, even occupied the room next to hers, but there was no time for chatting!

In one of his last interviews, Dunne was just as quotable as ever:
I've lived this very dramatic life, with high points and terrible low points," he told a London paper as the trial drew to a close. "Nothing has been ordinary, and I want to have the experience of the last breath. I want a little drama to it. I don't want to die under anesthesia. I'd rather be shot to death in the Plaza or Monte Carlo by Lily Safra***. I want something in the papers."

“I want something in the papers!” That you got good sir, that you got!

I had hoped that there would be a Requiem mass at Good Shepherd Church in Beverly Hills (parish of thegaygardener) where Dunne had covered so many other funerals! I would have loved to have attended but it seems now he will be buried out of the East Coast

No matter, I shall now begin to re-read every one of his best sellers & live with his inimitable voice in my head for a little while longer!

*** Lily Safra is the fabulously wealthy Monte Carlo widow whom Dunne profiled & mentioned repeatedly (unflatteringly) in his last years of columns in VF

Going Out of Business

2009-08-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

I’m very sad to report that the gardener’s mecca; SMITH & HAWKEN, is closing its doors! The stores that remain open are having a fantastic sale & there is still much lovely inventory to be had at 25 to 40% off. I encourage you to visit a store near you as soon as possible.

Some of you may know that SMITH & HAWKEN is really the place that started TheGayGardener on the road to his happy destiny! When I was working as a makeup artist & salon director at that place in Beverly Hills all those years; I would frequently stop by the Beverly Hills S&H store after work in a desperate attempt to reclaim my sanity before going home. (plants are already beautiful & don’t think a lip gloss will make them more so & more to the point; they cannot talk back!)
The best thing about Smith & Hawken in those days was they would discard or throw away any plants & shrubs that were less than perfect along with any damaged garden items. I cannot tell you how may lovely orchids & ivy & other plants I “saved” as well as numerous garden décor. I still have a (chipped) cement urn, a copper topped birdhouse & a (now) 5 feet tall ivy topiary retrieved from the S&H trash! I was diving in the Smith & Hawken dumpster long before “Dumpster Diving” became chic or an HGTV show (this was back in the 90’s of course) In fact one time I was confronted by one of my chi-chi Beverly Hills cosmetics clients who inquired if that possibly could have been my legs she saw sticking up out of the dumpster in the back of Smith & Hawken? I assured her they were in fact my legs & she got such a kick out of my story she hired me to do her Doheny Blvd. terrace!

S&H was the kind of place that even though it was a retail store you always knew as a gardening professional that you could find just the exact thing you were looking for; that it would be well made & at a reasonable price! And just perusing their catalogue or searching their website could provide inspiration! Long after I stopped diving though their trash I would frequently shop the website in order to save time & gas driving around; especially if on a deadline! And the operators on the website & the customer service people were always so helpful! Sadly, the website is already discontinued!

Smith & Hawken is a division of the lawn care giant, SCOTTS. And in this economy it’s understandable that they would have had to jettison this retail operation. Hopefully they may be able to keep up some kind of catalogue sales in the future.

Smith & Hawken was a very classy operation & I will miss it!
Please patronize the stores in their remaining days!

Terrace Anyone?

2009-08-05T22:48:00.001-07:00

Here's a lovely little terrace TheGayGardener just did in the hidden jewel that is Playa del Rey, CA
Thanks, Cheryl for having faith in me & I hope you enjoy your new outdoor room!

Bruno Oh NO

2009-07-12T23:57:00.000-07:00

Yea…I know that SASHA BARON COHEN is a genius! EVERYONE says so! Though I never did see BORAT, I did admire that chatreuse sling shot bathing suit! The thing is, I really do not like “confrontational humor” If the folks are not IN on the joke & somewhat aware they are being “played” I find it cruel & tiresome! Which may be the exact two adjectives I would use to some up SBC’s latest incarnation as BRUNO! Its cruel & its tiresome!

In the first 15 minutes we are subjected to a montage of what SBC’s believes are the sexual practices of gay men. Including; placing a fire extinguisher in the anus of his partner, using his partner as a “receptacle” from which to pour champagne, a SLING SHOT contraption that allows the “catcher” to fly across the room and be strategically placed directly upon the pitcher, a Nordic Trac crossed with a dildo that allows the partner to burn some calories while artificially pleasuring the partner; and we have not even gotten to the “talking penis” yet.

I do love Sasha. I just do not feel that this country is ready for, nor fully understands satire or the fact that SBC is or may be poking fun at “homophobia” and other limiting attitudes.

I think the overwhelming message that American audiences will take away from this film experience are:
*Gay people engage in vile, perverted, sexual practices.
*Gay people are Godless idiots obsessed with fashion & Celebrity.
*Gay people & African Americans have even less in common than previously believed & in fact are natural enemies
*Gay people think they are smarter than everybody else & love to “tweak the straights” at every opportunity.

I sadly “got” BORAT. Eastern Europeans with their funny accents, facial hair & cheesey clothes are nothing if not hilariously mockable! But BRUNO is just beyond the pale! I mainly watched the film through my fingers covering my face! It was that excrutiating! And when I did keep my eyes open, they were focused on the audience ( a very diverse & good looking one at the ARCLIGHT in Hollywood on Opening Night, including the previously mentioned. PEREZ HILTON!) And what I observed was a scandalized, horrified, uncomfortable, audience, nervously laughing through bit after trying bit, lest they seem un-cool enough not to be in on the joke!

The only consolation in this GAY PR Nightmare is that originally BRUNO had been slated to rake in an over $40 Million record breaking box office; this past weekend. However the final numbers show just over $30 Million & we all know how accurate Hollywood Bookkeeping can be (God rest your soul, ART BUCHWALD!) SO what I can surmise from all this math is that like me; many, many people went to see BRUNO on Friday, opening night! And they were so offended & horrified that they informed their friends & begged them NOT to go and so Saturday & Sunday’s Box office fell precipitously!

Thanks anyway, Sasha!

*

Fountain View

2009-07-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

This came out nice, I think. I tried to avoid "color" as much as possible, even removed some gardenias, though I love 'em. Wanted to stick to a silver-blue-green-gray palette; rather a perennial Tuscan garden. I used ornamental olive trees, rosemary, woodworm, pittosporum "silver chain" (a.k.a. as "the poor man's olive tree" due to its elegance & grace & relatively inexpensive cost & various mosses; though no "baby's tears"- too "kelly green" for our scheme!

O.K. I'm bored...tomorrow let's talk about BRUNO, just saw it & still reeling!! Also saw PEREZ HILTON texting as he was leaving the theatre! So much thinner in person, but sadly not more attractive! But he did just sign a $$deal$$ to have his very own record label (!!) So let him cry all the way to the bank!

Perennial Disappointment

2009-07-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

Oops I mean ANNUAL Disappointment! I’m referring to the lovely agapanthus a.k.a. “the lily of the Nile” Every home owner I know is just wild about this little specimen. And it does have it charms. Specifically right now. When in bloom, with its large, long stems crowned by lavender & purple & blue & white balls of flowers; it looks so lovely! Especially lots of them bordering the house or a garden bed or a pathway. But their season in the West can be rather brief; 6 weeks perhaps; likely much less.
And when not in flower the plants themselves; with their long, light green, frond-like leaves; are just not that interesting.

So if you like the idea of “Spring” or “seasons” & could spend the Winter waiting for your plants to bloom; then by all means go for these babies! But if you’re like many Angelenos & just want perpetual, perennial, beauty-on-demand…skip ‘em. Remember gardening is the only art form that absolutely require the cooperation of a Higher Power! As the old saying goes: “If you want to make God laugh…plant a garden!”

Fines Herbes

2009-07-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

I love growing herbs in the garden in spring & summer, don’t you? There is nothing quite like going out to the garden & cutting your own fresh ones as you begin to prepare a meal.

One of the main drawbacks to this project is pests! Bugs, rodents, small animals will be attracted to them because if we like to eat it, these little suckers will too. Also it can be challenging to keep & maintain a large year round herb garden.

One solution to this problem is “raised beds” or boxes. Protected & lifted off the ground; they will present a greater challenge to our wild friends.

You’ve seen me use old wine crates or boxes to grow herbs in before. And I do love the vintage yet temporary aspect of the boxes (after whitewashing them of course!)

Another fun thing to do is to use old, large tin cans! You know me & know I love a colorful package! So I was thrilled to find these boldly bright olive cans.

I drilled a few holes in the bottom for drainage. Filled them with soil or compost & placed a single herb planting in each one. You could also place a few smaller herbs in one larger can for an entire mini herb garden. Or if lucky enough to find varied sizes mix it up!
You can assemble them on an old metal tray or line them on a wide fence rail or windowsill too! Charming!

Hmmm, now back to stirring my puttanesca (whore’s) sauce!! Hey! Watch it you!

And the Circus Came to Town

2009-07-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

God I am so glad that that is over! A veritable freak show. Even the circus came to town with the appearance of a troop of Asian Elephants being led into STAPLES CENTER in the pre-dawn hours prior to the funeral of MICHAEL JACKSON.

I mean, really? Was the music great? Yea it was..20 years ago. And many of those songs can still move some of our tired butts onto a dance floor. But the rest of the burlesque show? Nuts! And I am so sorry to disagree with the REV. AL SHARPTON but I think there was “somethin’ strange” about “Daddy!”

I ask you, after almost a half century of self mutilation (the bleaching, the surgeries, the makeup, the oxygen chambers ) could anyone really look at Michael Jackson & not be just a little creeped out; if not down right repulsed? With the dyed arched brows, the pale skin heightened with kabuki makeup, the drawn on lips & the ever disappearing nose; the only thing that ever came to my mind when seeing him of late was: He’s MINNIE MOUSE with a Mask!

Yes, I know he was abused. He had a substance abuse problem, he was lonely & isolated. Whatever. He also had a fortune which he made & remade dozens of times in his life; from which to pay for real, constructive, therapies that would have enriched & healed him in other ways. He might also have attempted to repay (or simply PAY!) the hundreds of people to whom he owed money, many of whom were not large corporations but simple hourly or weekly workers sometimes summarily dismissed! What is the estate debt? 400 MILLION???? And the City of Los Angeles; nearly bankrupt, is expected to pay for all the thousands in extra monies required to host today’s dog & pony show!

So often in this country we celebrate the wrong people even for the right reason (Gender Equality? Good Thing! SARAH PALIN? Not so much!)

Today’s orgy of grief wasn’t even as bad, I suppose as it could have been. The LAPD were relieved & even withdrew some of the extra forces around Staples Center before the ceremony. All in all, I’d say, the funeral was a bust! NO LIZ! NO LIZA! NO QUINCY! Even the nominated children’s guardian; DIANA ROSS, chose to “be silent”. MARIAH’S musical tribute was over-wrought (duh!) And none of the musical numbers were particularly powerful. The clothes (costumes?) were lovely, with LATOYA JACKSON doing her best KEIRA KNIGHTLEY in “The Duchess” impersonation & JANET JACKSON channeling SIMONE SIGNORET. I read that DONATELLA VERSACE designed the outfits ,which wouldn’t surprise me.
I feel sorry for MRS. JACKSON who has had, I wager, a trying life. And now she’s going to have to raise three kids who not only do not look like anyone in her family, but in fact, may not be biologically related to her at all! I feel sympathy for the kids. And of course choked up a little at his daughter PARIS JACKSON’s speech; but then stopped abruptly when I realized; hell she could be the AMERICAN BINDI IRWIN by next summer! God Save Us!

The conspiracy theorists have now begun their work in ernest, so we will never be completely rid of this story. Today in Los Angeles I heard a rather distinguished looking older gentleman say the following: “ Well of course his body was not in that coffin that left FOREST LAWN, this morning! “He’d already been buried!” “I’m just sick about it! I cried all morning!” When I think of the hundreds of reasons for tears in our daily lives, whether Michael Jackson's body was in his coffin at his funeral or not; does not even make my top 40 reasons to weep

I don’t know…maybe the kids have a shot at some kind of normal life now!? And the rest of us can do what we’ve been doing for over a decade: listening to & loving (and now BUYING AGAIN!) the music and watching as the elephants lead the circus out of town once again, grateful that its someone else’s job to clean up the poop!

BTW My mother, MRS.TRAINER, just called to tell me she’s “furious” over all the Michael Jackson hoopla. “Why? Mom.” “well, because 3, 6 & 10 (which is how she refers to network television; by the local channel numbers) did nothing but cover that God damn funeral & I missed all my soaps!” Yet another outrage!

False Alarm

2009-07-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so I may have been premature last month when I said that thegaygardener was back to blogging. So much has happened & I’ve been really busy as the summer has begun to rapidly breeze by.

I’ve just completed two smallish jobs & am working on gathering furnishings for a third, but in reality am thinking of packing it in. TheGayGardener By Appointment is just not proving enough to keep body & soul together.

It’s rather a perfect storm of things: The economy, gas prices, design services being a luxury not a necessity, trying to compete with more desperate workers who will undercut any reasonable quote so they can book 10 jobs in a day…none of them any good.

Today for example I am sitting here waiting for the mailman to bring me a check for a job completed weeks ago. Oh & I found these two posts on Craigslist today (complete with typos!)

Hi,
If you have an edger and can cut my grass and little by little improve my lawn and can start saturday, please leave your phone number.
I want to pay 50.00 per month for 2 visits per month.
• Location: westwood

GADENING JOB-TO DIG THE GROUND IN ORDER TO GROW SOME VEGETABLE GARDEN

SO IF YOU KNOW GARDENING FOR PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL DAVID MINIMUM WAGES WILL BE PAID.
310-659-**** THANKS FOR CALLING. 10 $ PER HOUR
• Location: beverly hills

I recognize that the services I offer are a bit more artistic but this is the kind of thing I am up against!

To add insult to injury, I submitted myself for an on-air job & HGTV that, sorry, I would be perfect for (“big personality, gardening knowledge, ability to turn trash into treasure!”) They wouldn’t even let me READ!

Who knows? Maybe I’ll go back to cosmetics! Its really like landscape design for the face!

OMG this is one of the most pathetic pity parties I have ever thrown! And the centerpieces are awful too!

Sorry!

SLUGFEST 2009

2009-06-04T23:54:00.000-07:00

Yea its that time of year again and you gardeners know what I’m talking about! SLUG & SNAIL time or as I like to call it SLUGFEST.

Because if these little s.o.b.s actually had heads; I’d bash them in. They are so disgusting & destructive, with their slimy bodies & alien heads, slithering over all my beautiful plants & shrubs, devouring their leaves all the while leaving that silver mucousy trail in their wake. WHAT GOOD DO THEY DO? What purpose do they serve?

I’ve told you before about my BEER SOLUTION. (No not the one where I’ll only drink beer to prove I’m not a lush…that one didn’t work out too well) But the natural remedy to remove slugs & snails by planting a container of beer in the dirt to attract the pests (they love the smell!) & having them fall into the container & drown! Not the perfect solution however, because you have to empty that beer container everyday & look at their bloated drowned bodies as you dispose of them.

So lately I have taken to going on “Night Patrol” The critters can’t stand the sun so only come out to wreak their havoc at night. I grab my flashlight & go into the garden and start to pull them off my darlings with my bare hands! They’re very clingy & they do resist. I send them sailing over the fence with some force or sometimes just crush them with the heel of my shoe. Some nights I am gathering so many (20-30) that by the time I am finished I am seriously considering looking for a French restaurant in Los Angeles just to go & order escargot & have some sort of REVENGE!

Oh & did you know the main visible difference between slugs & snails is the shell? Snails have one & slugs do not. But if you have one kind of infestation you usually have both! TIP: Check the bottom of every potted plant. Lift up the pot. If you see a longish, grayish, slimy thing, that’s a slug! Make him suffer! Off to get my flashlight now. Happy Hunting!

Only in L.A.

2009-06-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm riding my bike on Sunday night at dusk. I come to the intersection of Fairfax & Beverly. There at the light, heading North on Fairfax is a tricked out motorcycle. Not unusual. But (& its hard to tell from the photo) DRIVING the bike is a very large,white, possibly some Great Dane DOG!!! He was aided by an older gentleman wearing a sort of Ring Master's top hat with a black leather vest & sporting longish snow white hair with a matching snow white beard!!

Just another Sunday night in Los Angeles!!

So Different From this Hell I'm Living

2009-06-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Annnnd we're back...Is the caller there?" As PHIL DONAHUE* used to say after the commercial break. Sorry for the long absence.
I've been so busy working that I have been quite remiss in my duties as a blogger. Please don't tell the National Union of Bloggers (NUB) or my membership may be in jeopardy!

In any event, when we last spoke I left you with the stunning triumph of singer, SUSAN BOYLE, on "Britian's Got Talent" So much has happened to Miss Boyle since then & much of it unhappy. She got the required makeover (new coiffure, serious eyebrow tweeze, new wardrobe...including a leather "biker" jacket) and even a new moniker: "SuBo" as she is now known on the net. In short, she has been turned into a commodity. And like all commodities, she seems destined to be consumed & DEVOURED as quickly as possible; so we can all move on to "the next big thing"

Oh & she LOST the competition... to a not untalented dance troop whom oddsmakers had placed 6th to finish! And oh yea! She is now in a sort of mental hospital for a "rest" I hope she gets that rest. And then rallies to perform concerts all over the world & share her gift with us. But nothing speaks to the condition of fame in this century so well as the contrast between Miss Boyle in triumph the first night we discovered her to the sad, sad, image of Susan in the back of a limo with an outsized & ugly bouquet of flowers in her lap; looking positively bereft! Just keep singing Miss Boyle. No matter what, just keep singing!

*For those of you who don't know who PHIL DONAHUE is think of DR. PHIL but smarter, handsomer, funnier, more talented, better dressed, not a fake doctor, with better guests & topics & a real celebrity wife in the person of MARLO THOMAS. Oh for Christ's sake GOOGLE him!

She Had Me At LES MIZ

2009-04-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

By now so many words have been written about the BRITIAN’S GOT TALENT contestant, SUSAN BOYLE that you’d have to have been in a drug induced coma to have missed the phenomenon (ummm o.k. LINDSAY L. just go to YouTube & Google her! You’ll see!) So much so that a mini backlash has begun. “She’s a ringer!” “Simon Cowell planted her…told her how to dress etc.” “She’s been a professional singer in Scotland for years!” blah blah blah!

Hey this is what we do. We “discover” talent, build it up, make them stars, then tear them down. Then & only if they live long enough, do we welcome them home for their “COMEBACK” That is the nature of fame in this early part of the century.

But I think that any negativity regarding Miss Boyle (& she really can only be called Miss NOT MS.!) stems from the fact that we were all (the fuc**** GLOBE!!! all) were so moved by her performance, that it was so utterly surprising we feel a bit vulnerable now…like right after sex with someone new…we’re waiting to see if we’ve been HAD!

But we have NOT been had. This was & is an AUTHENTIC moment in the culture! That is what was so great about the expressions on all the judges faces at BGT. They were so shocked & so surprised & so in awe of a true God given gift that they lost their composure or more to the point they lost their smugness & certainty! And as I’ve said before I thought that SIMON COWELL & PIERS MORGAN never looked more handsome or attractive than they did while watching Miss Boyle & having to reexamine themselves in the presence of so authentic a talent.

Do not, for one moment be fooled! Miss Boyle does not require our pity in any way! She IS THE REAL DEAL! Don’t believe me? Click on the above & listen to a recording made of her singing CRY ME A RIVER. This album was made as a fundraiser for Miss Boyle’s town & thereafter forgotten about, until last week’s events! CRY ME A RIVER is a damn hard song to sing (as was, in my opinion, her original song from LES MISERABLES, “I Dreamed a Dream!”) But once again she not only nails it…she puts her own spin, her very own heartbreak into every beat…that is a gift!

In the event that Miss Boyle does not end up winning the whole BRITAIN’s GOT TALENT contest I am not concerned. I can think of more than a dozen roles in the CANON OF MUSICAL THEATRE that she could “take on the road” tomorrow:
“Mrs. Lovett” in SWEENEY TODD is a no-brainer. Nor is the “Reverend Mother” in THE SOUND Of MUSIC (she could sing the hell out of “Climb Every Mountain”) But let’s “stretch it” a bit: How about “Miss Hannigan” in ANNIE? Or hell let’s see a nice little tour of SUSAN BOYLE in ANNIE GET YOUR GUN!! (Reba MacIntyre did it)

But you know what I would love to see her try? MAMMA ROSE IN GYPSY!! She’s the right build for the part. And I could so see her bringing the audience to their feet when she does the “11 0’clock number”: “Rose’s Turn”

“Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn?
Don't I get a dream for myself?
Starting now it's gonna be my turn.
Gangway, world, get off of my runway!
Starting now I bat a thousand!
This time, boys, I'm taking the bows “

If Simon Cowell is smart (and Mr. Cowell is NOTHING if not smart! )After he signs Miss Boyle to a lifetime of servitude & releases her first million selling CD; he should talk to ARTHUR LAURENTS & get Miss Boyle into any tour of GYPSY anywhere! She’ll bring the house down. Again!

It’s SUSAN BOYLE’s WORLD. I just live in it!

P.S. Did you know that NO other video has ever been watched as many times (66 Million +) in as short a period as Miss Boyle’s piece from BGT? AND that “I Dreamed A Dream” is now in the top 25 songs purchased on ITUNES???? This is HUGE!

The Long Good Friday

2009-04-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

So I used to be a Christian, now I'm just a Catholic!
Sort of like when ELVIS COSTELLO used to sing "I used to be disgusted, now I try to be AMUSED!" in "The Angels Want to Wear My Red Shoes!"

But I've always secretly liked Good Friday..if only for the DRAMA of it all. I especially liked how, no matter what; or where I was on the planet, the sky always grew eerily dark around 3 o'clock (the hour of Christ death on the cross)
And that tradition continues. Today I found myself close to a Roman Catholic Church in Los Angeles while working. It was close to 3:00 in the afternoon. I looked over at a nice Spanish building and realized it was the church of St Mary Magdelene on Pico Blvd. I looked up to the cross on the bell tower and as the sky began to darken I noticed a black raven on the tip of the cross!
He stayed there for a very long time; at least an hour while I ran some errands. It was discomforting enough that I remembered to say the Good friday prayers of my youth just to ward off any bad energy!

Next week I'll tell you about my splendid Easter Sunday Brunch with all my Italian friends & about my wonderful trip to my homeland...IRELAND!

Until then, BUONA PASQUA!!! As we say in Rome!

Terrace for Two

2009-04-01T23:14:00.001-07:00

oh, before I go...
Here's the latest mini extreme makeover from TheGayGardener

A balcony in West Hollywood
Using NOTHING but FAKE PLANTS!!

Which btw are FAR more expensive than the real thing! And (unlike breast augmentation) the better the fake the pricier it is!

It's A Long Way To Tipperary

2009-04-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Over a century after my paternal Grandparents; Charles Trearty & Hannah Friel sailed in steerage to America; I’m off to the homeland in the morning! Trearty became “Trainer” some point after Ellis Island. But hey Nana! I’m in FIRST CLASS & BUSINESS all the way to DUBLIN thank “Jumpin’ St. Jude!” (as she used to say when she was really pissed off!)

I won’t be seeing anything of Donegal or the Northern Coast where we are from, but AMERICAN had LA to Dublin on sale last month for $386 which is less than what a flight to New York usually runs, so I couldn’t say no!

And a few pints in the pub may be just what the Doctor ordered for this weary GayGardener as Spring takes its sweet time revealing itself here in Los Angeles! I'm imagining Hoisting a few with Colin Farrell, Bono, Pierce Brosnan & all the other famous Black Irish sons of Erin!

“Faith & Begorrah!" I’ll see you when I get back from “the other side” (which is how my family always mysteriously referred to Ireland…I surmise they meant the other side of the Atlantic…a cryptic lot my people!)

P.S. Speaking of Farrell, if you haven't seen the film, IN BRUGES, I beg you; go out & rent it Or buy it on dvd! Surely one of the best films of 2008! Great writing, terrific performances & beautiful scenery. It's really, really good!

A Squirrelly Little Man

2009-03-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

That he was. And self -described. He is now gone almost as long as we were together. Six years today. March 30th. He died on 03/30/03 which I’ve always taken as some sort of spiritual sign. Though famously positive, he did not die of AIDS. A fact I still have trouble convincing some people of. He fell. He was epileptic & had a seizure. Simple. Quick. Clean. Just like him.

Robert “Michael” Jeter was 50 when he fell that day 6 years ago. I wasn’t there. We had been estranged from the moment we split up. He dumped me for a younger model. Fame can change a person. He found love after me, as I did. Life goes on. And the funny thing is that when you lose someone you love or have loved, it’s never really over. Not truly. You think about them. Sometimes a lot, sometimes hardly ever. But invariably you are reminded of them; in some wayl; by someone, or some situation you find yourself in. “God! ______ would have loved this!” etc. And so the relationship is only changed, not ended.

I now look back gratefully on those 6+ years with Michael & can only remember the laughter. We laughed ourselves sick! We would leave a Sunday night dinner at the old Adriano’s in Beverly Glen, with abdominal muscles positively sore from laughing at our friend, Charles Nelson Reilly. We’d laugh at the cats. At the insanity of living in our new home of Los Angeles. At the absurdity that two “goons” (as he called us) could spend an evening in a room full of “swells” & they would know him by name & greet him like old friends. That Maggie Smith would come to our house for dinner. That the fireplace mantle was getting crowded with serious awards. That he was being paid (“CASH MONEY!” he liked to say) for basically playing all day. It was funny and fun. Until it wasn’t.

Southern by birth he had a million different expressions that he taught me that I find myself still using:
“I feel like a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs!”
“You look like you’ve been rode hard & hung up wet!” (apparently an equestrian term!)
“ ITYW” (“I tell you what!” started many a conversation!)
“Lord willing and the creek don’t rise…”
“You’re as sick as your secrets”
“Any news on the street?” (that’s how he’d greet me whenever I returned home!)

Odd. Squirrelly. Complicated. Funny. Brilliant.

I heard him say this once too. Quoting some forgotten guru: “I salute you & thank you for your life!”
Yep. I do.

In a career of many triumphs, I always think this stands alone. The first. And one of the great moments in theatre history. He literally flew! I hope he’s still flying.

NATASHA

2009-03-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

No, I never met her. I did meet her Mother once though. I had seen THE ROSE TATOO by Tenesee Williams 8 times. I met some of the cast & was invited to a cast party. Vanessa was lovely. Kind, engaging, humble. Like the really nice, pretty, lady down the block, who must have been a knockout in her youth! The only difference is you KNEW what she looked like in her youth, because you saw CAMELOT & BLOWUP on film & could watch them again & again!

But The Redgraves DO THEATRE. And so I am sad to have never seen Natasha in her greatest stage triumph: CABARET! Her costar in that production mourns her by saying he will always remember her full & throaty laugh. And that “really is the best way to remember someone!” And the great ALLEN CUMMING is right, that really is the best way!

Her film roles are few. PARENT TRAP was better because of her. “The Comfort of Strangers” is a marvelous film that still stands up. Her “Patty Hearst” was true perhaps because only a foreigner could play such a quintessentially American role.

She & her mother had recently done a one night only performance of Steven Sondheim’s A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC; which among its many many, charms, has the classic “11 o’clock number” SEND IN THE CLOWNS. The mother/daughter duo were looking to do it again in a full production at the time of this recent tragedy. Ironic that SEND in THE CLOWNS with its ultimate irony, pathos, & ill-timing should be possibly the last song Natasha learned the lyrics of.

The fact that the love of her life should be the great ,stoic, stalwart, pride of the Irish, film star, LIAM NEESON, just breaks all of our hearts a little bit more. When he played that unsung role of the young widower with the young child in one of the best films of the past decade; LOVE, ACTUALLY…little did he (or we) know that that role would be his to play in real life.

Life. You can have a wonderful strong, happy,marriage to a true partner. You can be a loving parent to two adorable children, who in turn adore you. You can live in New York City & have a grand country house in the suburbs, and a wonderful place in Europe.
And you can happily visit your handsome actor husband on the set of his new film, take a ski lesson, bang your head & POOF its all over!
Natasha KNEW how lucky she was! When Liam broke his pelvis in a motorcycle accident that should have been worse than it was Natasha said in an interview:
I wake up every day feeling lucky. Which of course is fear driven, because you know at any moment it can all be gone!

I think so many of us are intrigued & so moved by this story because we all know, at some very deep level, how brief, how fleeting, how turn-on-a-dime life can be and is! And that we all only have this moment, this day to love & appreciate one another.

Two young boys will go to bed tonight without a kiss from their beautiful mother. And a stage somewhere is dark and unilluminated. And the loss of the Redgraves & Neesons is everybody’s loss, in a grand and profound way

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

2009-03-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

Top of the Morning to you!! Which is really an American phrase likely invented at MGM. And not really a greeting in Ireland. Although I once addressed an Irish ice cream truck driver with that phrase & he brilliantly replied: “And the bottom of the afternoon to you!”

In Philadelphia, (home of Her Serene Highness,m the late Princess Grace of Monaco, nee Kelly) where I’m from, “Paddy’s Day” is a very big deal. In Ireland it is largely a religious feast. Here we drink green beer or just use the day as an excuse to get drunk! (As if we needed one!)

Growing up, St Patrick’s day was a true bright spot. Falling, as it does, after Christmas & before Easter! My Dad had a tradition of taking his Irish mother (Hannah Friel Trainer; Friel as in the playwright ; Brian) out to lunch, after Mass of course! I can still see him in his gray suit, adjusting his Kelly Green tie in the mirror; and attaching his gold shamrock tie pin, the one covered with faux emeralds!! And thinking how grand it all was! Grand! That is most definitely an Irish adjective.

As the oldest of seven children, I was always expressly aware that being IRISH CATHOLIC was so something to be proud of, something that set us apart. Had we not elected “one of us” to the highest office in the land” not very many years after our grandfathers, looking for work in their newly adopted homes, were greeted by signs that said: “NO IRISH NEED APPLY”

Being Irish was just part of who we were. To hear my Grandmother say, “No, darlin’ (no “g”) he’s not GERMAN…he’s as IRISH as PADDY’s PIG!” and know what she meant. Or when describing someone; would say: “ and himself had the map of Ireland on his face!” HIMSELF a pronoun on its very own!

To hear my (other) Irish Grandmother (Mary Flannery Donahue Bradley) say: ":If it wasn’t for whiskey, the Irish would RULE the world!” And know she was talking about her son-in-law, my father! Or…”there’s worse things than a drinking man!” which she would admonish her daughter, (my Mother) with. And it took me years and a whole lot of OPRAHs to realize what she was really saying was “at least he doesn’t CHEAT on you with other Women!”

So many other notes: MAUREEN O’HARA was practically a SAINT after her gorgeous portrayal of Irish womanhood in John Ford’s THE QUIET MAN, alongside JOHN WAYNE. BING CROSBY was what we all aspired to be with his saintly portrayal of the priest in “GOING MY WAY” (another requirement in our IRISH degree!) Little did we know he was a drunk who beat his kids & his late wife was an alky! But even if we had we would have blamed HER!

So yes, this day means a lot to me. I think of where I come from. This place that can only be described as GREEN!!! (Although the TODAY show this very day referred to it as “the lands of Saints & Scholars, which it is) And how this son of ERIN (who has a sister by the very same name!) should make his living in this desert called California, trying to make it more GREEN for his clients!

Have you ever heard the story of how Ireland got its name? I'll tell you so you'll understand from whence old Ireland came. No wonder that we're proud of that dear land across the sea, For here's the way my dear old mother told the tale to me...
Sure, a little bit o' Heaven  fell from out of the sky one day, And nestled on the ocean  in a spot so far away; And the angels found it,  sure it looked so sweet and fair. They said suppose we leave it,  for it looks so peaceful there! So they sprinkled it with stardust  Just to make the shamrocks grow; 'Tis the only place you'll find them,  No matter where you go; Then they dotted it with silver  To make its lakes so grand,  And when they had it finished Sure, they called it IRELAND!

Nor am I ashamed to be a part of the folk who could write the lyrics to DANNY BOY which has been sung at EVERY Irish wake I have ever attended including my ow father’s where it was sung so beautifully by my brother MICHAEL PATRICK!

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy, I love you so.

And if you come, when all the flowers are dying
And I am dead, as dead I well may be
You'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an "Ave" there for me.

And I shall hear, tho' soft you tread above me
And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be
If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me
I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me.

I am so proud to be desended from the small island that produced WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS, BRIAN BORU, FRANK McCOURT & my cousin BRIAN FRIEL. Whatever else happens we can tell our stories…from PULITZER PRIZE…. to thegaygardener…our words and our stories are all we’ve really ever had, feast or (potato) famine!!!

Oh, and HAPPY 67thBIRHTDAY to our MOTHER, MRS. TRAINER. If you can make it to 67 darlin’ you can make it to 80!! God love ya!

Oh And isn't the above cute? A genuine SHAMROCK/CLOVER Plant that I placed in an antique Milk Glass cup Plant from TRADER JOE's $6.99

Facebook, Twitter & the Whole Damn Thing

2009-03-10T00:12:00.000-07:00

OMG! I am taking a temporary sabbatical from FACEBOOK! Besides being a pervasive creative drain (yet another excuse to not blog!) I’m finding it a challenge to maintain ”friendships” with people I went to school with 25 years ago, not to mention all the “hugs” & “Snowballs” & “Causes” & becoming “FANS” of the things they’re fans of!! Enough!

What set me off was running into an acquaintance at the nursery (plants!) So I’m “working” and this guy comes up to me & says: “Hey, I think I wrote on your wall!” “I beg your pardon?” I say. “Ummm your FACEBOOK Wall…I think I wrote on it..sent you a message!” Oh joy!!! I don’t have the time to return the texts & emails & voicemails of the folks I love or even CLIENTS, but suddenly I now have to reply to people I barely know!!?????

And what the hell is TWITTER? I can now announce to the world in 20 words or less what I am up to & thousands of people will be interested? Seriously? My life partner isn’t all that interested in what I am doing & my speeches to him are certainly more than 20 words! Am I just the “cranky-old-homo-in-the-cardigan-sweater” that I always feared I would be???

Let’s face it! Despite THE SECRET, OPRAH!, & Eckhart Tolle, the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket! Aren’t your days a lot like mine?

The 6:30 Alarm rings. Hit SNOOZE. Hit Snooze again! And Again!

7:00 am-out of bed-LATE! And your brain turns ON:
What day is it? Shit! I have to work! Glad I sill have a job! What do I wear? Did I set the coffee maker? Damn it! Is there clean underwear? Turn on the news. The MARKET did WHAT??? WARREN BUFFET SAID WHAT? Oh! Thank God! There’s BARACK!!! He’s in charge! Thank you Jesus! That wasn’t a DREAM! I have to leave early because I need gas! HOW MUCH IS GAS???? SERIOUSLY??? What bills are due today? Why is my AMERICAN EXPRESS BILLL FOUR TIMES what it was 3 months ago when I have ceased using it? Did I pay the car insurance? Why is THAT So expensive? COFFEE!!! COFFEE! COFFEE! How much longer can I afford this outrageously expensive moisturizer? Did I LOSE EVEN MORE HAIR in my sleep??? Did I pay the Bank of AMERICA VISA? Why is their CEO such a TOOL? STILL Flying in a private plane to meet with Government Officials to explain why BofA needs MORE BAIL-OUT $$$$$??? Why does it take me over an hour to get to work when MAPQUEST says it should take 23 minutes???
DID I Pay the BofA VISA??? Should I go to the grocery store now or wait for the Sunday Paper coupons??? BUT I’m HUNGRY NOW! HOW MUCH was the AT&T phone bill? did I pay that??? Why is that so much money? I live by myself. Do I really talk on the phone that much? Shit! I have to file my INCOME TAXES?!! Is that ANOTHER “laugh line-wrinkle under my left eye?" DID I PAY THE BofA VISA??? And yes it is now 8:40 a.m. Are YOUR DAYS LIKE THIS???? I just BET they are!!! GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

Taking Out The Trash

2009-03-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

If only it were that easy! Good Luck Rhianna!

The Great Santini

2009-03-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

Many of you know the parallels between my own life & The Great Santini...but one good that came from this life experience is that one of my siblings figured out how to take the good from the bad & create a positive. Congrats to my baby brother JOE and a early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Joe Trainer Named Rhode Island Football Head Coach
Former Rams associate head coach/defensive coordinator becomes 19th head coach in school history

Feb. 27, 2009

KINGSTON, R.I. - Joe Trainer, who spent the 2008 season as the Rhode Island football associate head coach/defensive coordinator, was named the school's 19th head coach, Friday afternoon in the Alumni Room at the Ryan Center.

Trainer returns to Rhode Island after he joined the coaching staff at Bowling Green back in December where he served as the Assistant Head Coach under two-time Division I-AA Coach of the Year Dave Clawson.

During the 2008 season at Rhode Island, Trainer's defensive unit forced URI opponents into 11 fumbles, which ranked in the top five of CAA Football. His defensive scheme also allowed sophomore linebacker Matt Hansen to finish second in the league in total tackles with 111 as he went on to earn All-CAA Football Second Team and Football Championship Subdivision (FCS) All-England honors.

Prior to his stint at Rhode Island, Trainer spent the 2005-07 seasons as head coach of Millersville University, a member of the powerhouse Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference (PSAC). During his first head coaching stint, Trainer hired and directed a staff of four full-time and four part-time assistants, designed a strength & conditioning program for his student-athletes, implemented an academic support program, and help design and complete both a renovation of the locker room and the varsity weight room.

Before heading to Millersville, Trainer spent eight seasons at CAA-rival Villanova, starting out as linebackers coach before being promoted to assistant coach/defensive coordinator in 2005. During his tenure at Villanova, Trainer helped the Wildcats to two conference championships, two NCAA Playoff appearances - including the national semifinals - two Lambert Cups, two wins over I-A schools (Rutgers and Temple), and five top 20 rankings in the final poll. Additionally, the Wildcats were nationally-ranked for a league-record 35 consecutive weeks and a school-record 12 wins in 1997.

Under Trainer's tutelage, the Wildcats finished No. 1 in the Atlantic 10 in total defense in 2003 and 2004. Villanova finished seventh amongst NCAA Division I-AA schools in scoring defense (16.2 ppg) and 14th nationally in total defense (302 ypg allowed) in 2003, and in 2004, Trainer's defense yielded under 300 yards per game and was second in the A-10 in scoring defense (22.5 ppg). He helped Brian Hulea earn First Team Atlantic 10 honors in 2003 and 2004.

Trainer spent the 1995 and 1996 season as the University of New Haven, where he worked as both linebackers coach and defensive coordinator. Trainer helped the Chargers win 17 games in two seasons and earn a berth in the NCAA Division II playoffs. New Haven finished ranked in the Top 20 in both seasons and his defense also established school records for fewest points allowed, points per game allowed, and turnover margin. Off the field, Trainer monitored the academic progress of the student-athletes and conducted study/tutorial sessions.

He began his coaching career as a graduate assistant at Temple University in 1990, serving as linebackers coach. Two years later, Trainer took over as linebackers coach and special teams coordinator at Frostburg State University, where he also developed and oversaw the teams in-season lifting program. Following the 1992 season, he joined the coaching staff at Colgate University. While in Hamilton, he coached the outside linebackers and punt and kickoff team while assisting with both game plan and practice participation.

A 1990 graduate of Dickinson College with a degree in English, Trainer earned his masters degree at Temple in 1992 and his M.S. in counseling and human relations from Villanova in 2004.

Now He knows The Rest of the Story

2009-03-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

PAUL HARVEY died today at the age of 90. Many of you kids will not know him nor his name. But in RADIO he was a legend. Radio was all that there was before TV, let alone the internet & people actually had one in their homes ,not just their cars. But they called it “the WIRELESS” which only confuses the issue more!

But in the old days, “broadcasters” like Mr. Harvey, did the news & special segments, & editorials & hell even the advertisements. And Paul Harvey was brilliant at all those jobs.
Blessed with a pure, strong, staccato voice he was an original! His “The Rest of The Story” segments are the stuff of legend. It was history told backward. He would engage you in a dramatic tale, rife with detail, building to a crescendo, without revealing the hero of the tale until the very end where one learned ...”the rest of the story”

I sat in my car just three weeks ago, riveted by another of Mr. Harvey’s tales, waiting to learn the identity of our hero (in this case it was BENEDICT ARNOLD) Thinking all the while, why are not all TEACHERS like this? History is so compelling, so dramatic, why can’t every teacher be this way where one is sitting on the edge of the seat, awaiting the outcome. But the answer to that question is there is only, was only, ONE PAUL HARVEY. And since he now must be in Heaven I would venture to say that surely he now KNOWS the Rest of the Story!!!!

One story that Mr. Harvey likely did not get to cover is The Hair Weave that Stopped a Bullet & Saved a Life!!! Thank God we have Youtube for that!!

‘

Shazam!

2009-02-26T22:34:00.000-08:00

"Hey I know, VALENTINO....if we cross our arms & BLINK Three times we'll be transported back to our YACHT in the MED instead of stuck on this gray little pedestrian street in Beverly Hills!!"

My dear Italian friend "G" snapped this photo of Valentino & his partner while driving down Rodeo Drive yesterday! I also hear that the duo made a stop at the POLO LOUNGE at the BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL where our dear "V" was mistaken for a producer.

Signore Valentino must be very busy as he looks decidedly PALE compared to his normally over-tanned self!

Dear Mr Jackman

2009-02-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

Wow! Now THAT was an OSCAR show!! Oh sure there’s that endless middle segment that last about three hours; where you could leave & repaint the den & not have missed anything. And there’s what 4? 5? Million commercials?? But hell! I have not enjoyed an Oscar telecast more than when I was a little boy & that long haired “streaker” ran across the screen & tried in vain to upstage DAVID NIVEN.

There were the usual fashion disasters: Jessica Biehl wearing a similar table cloth to Jennifer Hudson’s at the Grammys, Amy Adams blending perfectly into the red carpet she appeared as a floating head above it all, Miley Cyrus in her GLENDA number from WICKED, and of course BEYONCE but at least she has the excuse that her Mother made it! ARDENT PLEA FROM THEGAYGARDENER: I am sure your stylists told you this ladies but PLEASE can we RETIRE the one arm on the hip look forever??? It is so unnatural! O.K. maybe it makes your arm (singular!) look more toned & shows off the gown a wee bit better but seriously you all look like rejects from the VICTORIA BECKHAM MODELING SCHOOL! You too SOFIA!!

Christ! I know Sofia Loren is like 80 so c’mon. Honey, we know it’s a wig, & self tanner & veeners & duct tape…how about next year you show up in basic black with a little gray streaked in the wig just for authenticity?? But I do have to say I LOVED the old-timers; or say veterans, presenting the awards to the new nominees. MARION COTILLIARD was so convincing in her tribute to KATE WINSLET I wanted to give her ANOTHER OSCAR. I do wonder if SHIRLEY MacLaine has ever even met ANNE HATHAWAY but by & large I really bought it! It was rather…classy no?

But the main reason the show worked is that for the very first time they had a genuine MOVIE STAR as the host! A tall, drop dead gorgeous actor, who looks like he was born in a tuxedo, and oh, did I mention that he can SING & DANCE & ACT???? And if that wasn’t enough, he speaks in the sexiest accent on the damn globe- AUSTRALIAN!!! Yea. HUGH JACKMAN, Period! I would watch him if he was reading the proverbial Phone Book. Which is not to say I could sit through AUSTRALIA (the movie) but I want to now vote him OSCAR HOST FOR LIFE!!!

Dear Mr. Jackman,
I am writing this to you,
and I hope that you will read it so you'll know,
My heart beats like a hammer,
And I stutter and I stammer,
Every time I see you at the picture show.
I guess I'm just another fan of yours,
And I thought I'd write,
and tell you so.

You made me love you,
I didn't wanna do it, I didn't wanna do it,
You made me love you!
And all the time you knew it, I guess you always knew it.
You made me happy, sometimes, you made me glad.
But there were times, sir,
You made me feel so sad.
You made me sigh 'cause,
I didn't wanna tell you, I didn't wanna tell you,
I think you're grand!
That's true, yes I do, 'deed I do, you know I do.
I must tell you what I'm feeling,
The very mention of your name
Sends my heart reeling,
You know you made me love you.

I don't care what happens,
let the whole world stop,
As far as I'm concerned you'll always be the top!
'Cause you know you made me love you!
(With apologies to Judy Garland & Clark Gable)

I'd Like to Thank the Academy!

2009-02-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

Oscar, schmoscar…last night I went to a party for a LAMP!!!
Oh yes, it’s a big weekend in Los Angeles. All the hotels are booked with stylist’s suites & free swag & the stars have all “got their drink on!” But me? The fancy exterior designer? I got invited to a party at a very chi-chi lighting store to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the PH Artichoke! Which is a chandelier in the shape of an artichoke!!! I’m a very lucky man. Seriously though; while I recognize that this is a lighting & design icon, surely worthy of some note, I am left to wonder if it could ever be worth it’s nearly $100,00 price tag even if its done in 24k gold.
This is why I’ll never be CLASSY with a capital K! I walk into so many homes in L.A. And spin around & point: “Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, West Elm, IKEA, Mitchell Gold, Ballard Design!!!” With a little Frontgate thrown in. I get it! It’s easy. You don’t have to think about it because it all “GOES” together!! It’s functional & comfortable. But I have seen double-wide trailers in the South with more STYLE!!! So if you walk into my house (or a place I have done) and say ”I got that at IKEA too!!” I will die a little inside. So if you can knock-off of a famous interior design piece; I say more power to you, but then why would any spend 100,000 times as much for “the original” You would have to loudly announce to your guests that this was the case. And while I have been on tours of private homes in L.A. where they are more than happy to tell you the price of everything…I don’t recommend this sort of thing!! It’s just tacky!! Nor do I recommend the big joke that is “Design Within Reach (DWR)” I always laugh at that & think: “”Who’s reach?” Do I really need to spend a few thousand dollars on a plastic sofa??? Mmmm NO! I Don’t! But there was a free OPEN BAR & passed hors d’oeuvres so who am I to complain?

Well, I CAN complain about the MOVIES. Yuck! I almost forgot it was even OSCAR WEEKEND Which is a mortal sin as THE OSCARS ARE the GAY SUPERBOWL!! But I think I really enjoyed about three films this year. One. As I mentioned before; was THE VISITOR which I thought was just about perfect! And yes for the love of God please let’s give HEATH LEDGER a posthumous OSCAR he was very good in THE DARK KNIGHT and sadly will not live to fulfill his potential. I would LOVE to see SEAN PENN upset MICKEY ROURKE & win Best Actor. Penn has NEVER given a bad performance, and as a gay man I am sure I am prejudiced, but I LOVED MILK!!!! The Wrestler is quite good but MILK is about HISTORY…where we came from & where we are going as a people! All of us. And sure! Give that lovely KATE WINSLETT the Gold Man for ALL of her (what??? 7, 8, 12?) performances this year!! She IS a marvelous Actress & has been nominated more time without a win than almost anybody living! (except for maybe PETER O’TOOLE) Truth to tell the ONLY thing I am really looking forward to is HUGH JACKMAN hosting!! This guy has got to be the best looking & most all around talented performer working today. He is drop dead gorgeous, sexy, he can act, he can sing, & he can dance . The true “TRIPLE THREAT” as we used to say in the chorus on Broadway!

But what a crappy year for the movies, no? I blame GEORGE BUSH, as I do for almost anything. I Wish You All a very HAPPY OSCAR!! I hope you win “the pool” and I hope there are some God-awful red carpet moments that we can ALL enjoy!!

Where Does He find The Time?

2009-02-17T23:35:00.000-08:00

So Giorgio Armani is opening a new store in New York. What with that & dressing nearly every single star-worth-their-salt for OSCAR this weekend; Armani found time to BLOG! Yes,blog; at THE NEW YORK TIMES STYLE MAGAZINE. And you what? He’s funny.

After praising the service of the (perennially bankrupt) ALITALIA he goes on to lament the lack of “black-out curtains” in New York Apartments & America in general. Then complains that “Americans overcook their pasta (which is sadly true) and “And there’s too much sauce! Too much of everything!” “Please try to control yourselves!” Don’t you love it? The whole world is going straight to hell but we Americans are “over-saucing our spaghetti!”

Aramani was thrilled that the evening didn’t end at desert but lamented the lack of glamour at the post dinner club:
, “I noticed that the crowd was dressed in a rather basic way. In Europe, the people you see at clubs are extremely beautiful to look at and are wearing very elegant clothes”

Ouch! But to give him his due; nothing he says is untrue. And really he is a genius! He took the entire European fashion sense & sensibility & pared it down to its most basic elements & essence & my God! The tailoring…the fit!! His clothes are simple & elegant & to the point! And you know what else? He is DAMN HOT for a 70 year old guy still rocking a Carribean tan & a Speedo!! Cio, Giorgio!!

How Much Was It Again?

2009-02-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yea, so I’ve finished building my ARK & am ready for any additional rain fall that maybe in store. We’ve already had like 5 inches in 7 days so…bring it on! California is such a land of extremes. It doesn’t rain for five years & then we get five years worth of rain in a week! We elect a fiscally-conservative-former-actor-Republican (again!) to balance our budgets & he brings us to a financial abyss where we are headed for bankruptcy (it’s not ALL AHHHHNOLD’s fault but c’mon!)

But I still so do love it here after almost 17 years. Where else can you hear conversations like this at the grocery store:
Clerk: “So…have you been to Palm Springs lately?”
Attractive Middle aged customer (lots of fresh veggies in cart): “Oh no we RENTED it out!” “In this economy, you HAVE to RENT EVERYTHING you OWN!!!!!’

Christ! I’d just like to OWN something. So I could LIVE in it!!

I’ve made an informal study of this; but the TRUE DIFFERENCE between men & women can be seen at the grocery store! Forget all the MARS & VENUS stuff…watch the checkout aisle. The woman approaches, greets the clerk, chats a bit, and waits…and waits..and waits! THEN when everything is rung up & she’s told the total; THEN she reaches for her (enormous) purse. Places it on the counter & begins to look for her wallet. Finds it, then asks for the amount to be repeated. Starts looking for cash, then a credit card, oh no wait…she thinks she’ll write a check today!! “How much was it again?” “Oh! I forgot to give you my “Club Card” “And silly me I had coupons too!” “Wait a minute…I’ll find them!” “Do you sell stamps?” “Can I write the check for ‘over’ & you give me cash back?” “How much was it again?” “What’s the date today?” At this point most women will be aware of the long line of fuming folks behind her & give a wan smile & silently gesture toward the clerk, with a roll of her eyes; as if it’s the clerk’s fault!

Contrast this with a man. He’s already previously determined whether he can legally be in the 15 ITEMS OR LESS Line. He silently places his items on the conveyor belt. And also has placed those little marker bars between his own order & the one coming after him (& also after the check writing lady in front of him because she has neglected to do so!) As he places his things on the belt he “guesstimates” their cost based on his memory of what the shelf signs had said: (silently) “eggs=$2.99, butter=$3.99, milk=$4.69” etc. Now it’s his turn. He greets the clerk and already has in his hot little hand his a) Club Card b) coupons (if he even has any) c) credit card d) or roughly the amount of cash he estimated his purchase would cost AND he’s already decided: “Paper or Plastic” and has instructed the bagger accordingly!!

Think I’m a sexist pig? Think I’m exaggerating? Conduct you own little test the next time your at the market. There are exceptions to every rule; but just not enough at the market.

I Can't Give you Anything But LOVE

2009-02-15T00:12:00.000-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINE’S EVERYBODY!! Did you all have a nice day?
VALENTINE’S Day sucks… let’s face it. All of us have fantasies of love & romance born of HARLEQUIN; that no mere mortal can fulfill!

But I do have to say that I am so gay I can celebrate a HOLIDAY in 20 minutes with no prep time & very little expense!
Yea I worked all day but wanted to have a little HARRY CONNICK/CARLY SIMON/Billie HOLIDAY kind of evening nonetheless!
So I looked around & put together what I thought was a perfect romantic evening!:

* still a sucker for toile!! I just love this fabric! I’ve had this red & white mine one for quite a while & it made a lovely table cloth for a romantic dinner!
* candles make everything & everyone look 10 years younger & 20 lbs lighter!
*HELPFUL HINT: Put aside all of your RED & SILVER CHRISTMAS Decorations & use them for VALENTINE”S DAY. Including linens! Oh & Anything ANGELIC because they can all represent CUPID… the little LOVE God!!
*Also use your best & shiniest SILVER ( I especially love MERCURY GLASS) because it reflects the light of your candles so beautifully!
*Save all your RED candles & Votives from Christmas to use for Valentine’s Day.
*ANY flowers from your garden will do. I used an hydranges that I bought from TRADER JOE’S In JANUARY!
*opps I almost forgot but porcelain EGG CUPS make marvelous candle holders (votives or tea lights) as well as individual flower bud holders
*keeping with the silver/reflective theme…any fancy champagne or wine bucket on the table, will automatically CLASS up the place & add to the “reflective” quality of our dinner
*use your red napkins & linens from Christmas too!
*Italian FOOD is sooo sexy! I made a fabulous salad main course from arugla,marinated tomatoes & BURRATA Cheese (a whipped creamy mozzarella!) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

“Can’t Help Loving That Man O’ Mine”
Oh listen sister, I love that Mister Man o’mine
There ain’t no reason why I should love that man…
It must be somethin’ that the Angels done planned.

Fish gotta swin, birds gotta fly,
I gotta love one man til I die…can’t help loving that Man o’ Mine.
Tell me he’s lazy… tell me he’s slow
Tell me I’m CRAZY, maybe I KNOW! But I Can’t help loving that man o’ mine.
When he goes away….that’s a rainy day
But when he’s BACK that day is FINE….
The SUN will shine

He can come home. As late as can be…HOME without him…AIN’T no HOME to me…Can’t help loving that man o mine!!

You know…ALL we need is LOVE!!

Any given Saturday

2009-02-11T00:17:00.000-08:00

Speaking of parenthood...
So I am at the TARGET in West Hollywood on Saturday.
I LOVE TARGET!! I just wish they'd let me hand then $100 on the way in & just choose what I wanted
Because despite prior vows; I always end up spending at least $100 every time; even if I have only gone shopping for one or two items!

Anyway it's early last Saturday. Around 9:30 am. I get in line with my purchases (including some terrific St Patrick's Day stuff-all priced at a DOLLAR!) I look to my left & see a typical LOS ANGELES guy in the line next to me. Short (like me!) Of a certain age (read: 60+) black leather town coat. DYED dark hair pulled back in the requisite pony tail. Looks somewhere between homelessness & infamy. Small child in tow. They pay for their purchases. As do I. As we're all leaving the child stops. Tugs at his crotch & says:"Daddy I have to pee!"" Cute. "Daddy" patiently says:"Well, let's go find the bathroom" NOW I Realize who it is. NOt just ANY seemingly homeless/disheveled person!! No. It's AL PACINO. Playing Dad to one half of the twins he had with the wonderful actress, BEVERLY D'ANGELO; before he summarily dumped her. It's a good role & Pacino played it with his usual understated truth. really. I wonder how much Michael Corleone forked over to TARGET that day?

P.S. While flying to Brazil last month I had the opportunity to watch a classic PACINO triumph: DOG DAY AFTERNOON. I really recommend it!! It stands the test of time. With one of the all time great supporting casts! Based on a true story, it really holds up! Get it on NETFLIX!

Eight is Enough

2009-02-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

You know how I hate jumping on the bandwagon but the bat-shit-crazy-ass-OCTUPLET-MOM is really pissing me off. I think mainly because I know way too many people who are struggling or have struggled to have a family & have been blessed by invitro fertilization only to have this whack job use the technology like some sort of embryonic slot machine!

Is there any among you who do not believe, without a single doubt, that this pathetic creature is insane? Crafty & clever perhaps; but truly certifiable. The story gets crazier every day. And every time she opens her mouth her poor mother contradicts her. But here are the facts as we know them:

*She has 6 other small children (also from invitro) 3 of whom are disabled.
*She lives with her widowed mother & has no means of financial support
*The only money she has at all comes from a workman’s comp suit won due to an on the job injury years ago.
*(My favorite) She won in excess of $160,000 in that suit & never told her parents about it, even though she was living with them (in their cramped 3 bedroom apartment) & they were supporting her.
*She was using that money for all her invitro procedures & obviously some really bad plastic surgery.
*She clearly fancies herself some some sort of low-rent (literally) ANGELINA JOLIE including being the mother of a HUGE brood.
*Her 3 older disabled children receive support from the state of California. She also receives food stamps for her family.
*How many of the new 8 children will suffer some sort of developmental disabilities & require help from the state is yet to be determined.
*The hospital bill for her labor & pre-delivery care not to mention the ongoing care for the children who are still hospitalized will likely run in the MILLIONS!!!! Guess who’s going to foot that bill??

I want that doctor who implanted those embryos up on charges. I think Child Protective Services should intervene & at least monitor, on a daily basis, their care. As a California taxpayer; I’d like to see the state provide this bitch with daycare for all FOURTEEN of her kids & I’d like to see her go to work, every single day, ten hours a day plus overtime & weekends; with the appropriate taxes taken out of her paycheck. Then when she comes home at night she can then care for her children, clean the house, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, make the lunches, help with homework & tuck the kids in bed. Just like the millions of other mothers out there who weren’t trying to work the system.

My own mother had seven (7) children by the time she was 30 years old. The oldest (me) was 9 years, 7 months when the 6th & 7th (twins) came along. And I am here to tell you, the human mind; not to mention heart, is simply not designed to meet the urgent & simultaneous physical & emotional needs of that many people all at once ;and there just are not enough hours in the day. Any sane person would realize this. And I am sorry but the sympathy window has closed for this freak. She deliberately & methodically chose to do this. Let her live with the consequences of her choices. Which; sadly, won’t be too difficult for a narcissist like her. Only her children will suffer. Shame.

Jennifer Coolidge and her Dubba Deez

2009-02-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

The one & only Jennifer Coolidge (Stiffler's Mom) in her hilarious video from her turn as "Coco" on NIP/TUCK]

The Gay Games

2009-02-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes I am just too queer for words! While the rest of the country is watching “L’il Wayne” & “L’il Kim” & the whole “Little Rascals” gang (WHY??? Is everyone “L’il” ? well except for that late lamented, “NOTORIOUS B.I.G.G.”???) at THE GRAMMY AWARDS I’m watching PBS. No, not one of those dreadful fundraisers where they break through & show those same 10, sad, unwell looking, people pretending to answer the phone in order to keep PBS on the air through the next commercial break; but what they used to call MASTERPIECE THEATRE.

And not just any episode of MPT but a “rebroadcast” of JANE AUSTEN’S SENSE and SENSIBILITY. And I think it miraculous. The tale of the grieving DASHWOOD GIRLS left to fend for themselves & their widowed mother, after the death of their beloved father, is riveting! All sorts of hunky well dressed men on horseback make their way to the quaint hill-side Dashwood cottage with a stunning view of the sea; but its “the girls” who are the story. HATTIE MORAHAN as Elinor Dashwood gives a Master Class in acting with this performance; and a breathtaking Brit named CHARITY WAKEFIELD as the romantic Mary Anne Dashwood, embodies the very reason poets take to pen. Supported by the legendary JANET McTEER as Mrs. Dashwood I simply hated for it to end but at least it was a happy ending.

As was LOVING LEAH. Since childhood I have been obsessed by the HALLMARK HALL OF FAME PRESENTS those very “special” TV productions; for a number of reasons. One is that they are usually well done, adapted from great novels or starring famous actors who usually will not do t.v. Another is those stories-within-the story: the HALLMARK Commercials themselves. Where the student comes back to thank the retiring professor with a (guess what?) HALLMARK Card that thanks the retiring Professor! OR the one about the middle-aged man who previously ILLITERATE is now able to READ The HALLMARK Card sent to him by his grand daughter. Often times these commercials are much better than the specials themselves. Not the case with LOVING LEAH. If I read the synopsis I think I would have passed. A young Orthodox Jewish widow (LAUREN AMBROSE from 6 FEET UNDER FAME) who’s husband has passed away suddenly meets his (non-Orthodox & GORGEOUS) Brother( played by ADAM KAUFMAN) who by ancient custom; must marry her in order to give her children; that his brother would not have died in vain without giving her children . (And people think we CATHOLICS are crazy?) Anyway the two end up getting married & lving happily ever after with the Rabbi’s Blessing (and oh, the Rabbi is played by RICKKI LAKE!) Yea its all kind of hokey, but AMBROSE & KAUFMAN are so pretty, and earnest, & winning, that you just end up rooting for them!

So here I am, watching these “chick flicks” wearing a CARDIGAN sweater, with a cat on my lap & sipping Merlot form a tea cup & thinking: “Really? Was there EVER a time where you thought you MIGHT NOT be GAY??????”

25 Things I Hate About Facebook

2009-02-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

1. It’s addictive.
2. Its just more pressure! Now in addition to checking my work email, my personal email, my home phone messages, my cell phone messages & my instant messages; I have to check my facebook page just as often.
3. I feel compelled to be doing something interesting so I post in my “What are you doing right now?” status section.
4. I feel guilty when I check my “online friends” notifications & don’t im every one who’s on.
5. I sometimes “request” friends just to keep my numbers up
6. I just don’t acknowledge “friend requests” if we have no friends in common. But I’m afraid to click “ignore” because I don’t want to piss anybody off.
7. I love hearing from old grade school & high school friends but after the initial “requests” just what the hell do I say when they still live “there” & I am “here”?
8. I sometimes accidently write on someone’s “Wall” when I mean to send them a private message just between us. Yike!”
9. I get annoyed at these folks who are constantly updating their “Profile Photos” because I get a new message from facebook that they have done so & I get a banner that says “65 of your friends have updated their profile photos” Its like “oh wait…I look better in this one!” or “Here I am at Mt. Everest” Just find a good recent one & stick with it, I say.
10. Anyone can upload photos of you & put them on facebook & “tag” you without a right of first refusal or any kind of input on your part! Even old crappy prom pictures!
11. Photos are automatically uploaded to your profile but there is another separate button to “save photos to your profile” that I continually click thus posting the same photos & captions twice!
12. I sometimes click on the hot photos of the “friends of my friends” and think about asking those people to be my friends too but always chicken out.
13. There is a NEW hateful facebook feature called” 25 random things you don’t know about me” Well if they’re so random AND I don’t know them then why are you insisting on telling me them on facebook! I swear its like the essay/BlueBook section of a FINAL EXAM.
14. People with kids: Christ! Its enough that you send me their adorable photos on your Christmas cards that I can never throw away even though I do not know these tots but it just feels WRONG! But do I have to be inundated with their adorable mugs (& God forbid; QUOTES!) on facebook too!?
15. I am now reduced to posting photos of glamorous trips I’ve been on 5, 6, 10 years ago just so I can seem to be living some sort of interesting life.
16. I hate the “People You May Know” section. Shit I “may” know George Clooney one day too, but I think I’ll KNOW it when it happens”
17. People “Suggesting” friends to me. O.K. if you would like to introduce me to your friend because you think we may have a lot in common & get on like a house-a-fire & we can all go out for drinks on Friday night; great!! Otherwise let’s don’t & say we did!!
18. Celebrities on facebook. And do not kid yourself they are ALL on there. They just use weird, indecipherable, screen names. Ahh just stick with your own kind!
19. I feel the need to comment on everyone else’s comments
20. People using facebook to sell something. Like someone works for SMITH BARNEY & you get a notice that Jack Smith just became a FAN of SMITH BARNEY
21. People who become FANS of something or join causes & pressure me to join them as well!
22. “Snowballs” “Hugs” and all that other interactive crap.
23. People who use facebook to announce their birthdays in a desperate attempt at hundreds of Happy Birthday Messages (yea o.k. I’m guilty of that too!)
24. People who use facebook as a star-fucking, name-dropping, resume builder as in: “Jason just got done shooting a feature film in Paris with GEORGE CLOONEY & is so exhausted but has to get up at 5:00 am & shoot a portfolio for Italian Vogue & then meet the Ambassador for drinks at the Ritz! What are YOU up to?”
25. Its addictive.

Redecorating

2009-01-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

I realize times are tough. More than 20,000 jobs were lost in a single day this week. Everyone needs to cut corners & save & be constantly aware of the bottom line. I even saw ACADEMY AWARD WINNER, MIRA SORVINO shopping at the outlets with her family in PALM SPRINGS 2 weeks ago. More power to her.

But the JOHN THANE story is just obscene! You know this guy. He used to head up MERRILL LYNCH. He’s the guy who paid out 15 BILLION in bonuses to ML Execs even while profits were in a freefall & all the while waiting for a Government bailout. But more to the point, despite showing a catastrophic loss for the company, THANE was busy fiddling while Rome burned to the tune of $1.22 MILLION to redecorate his office!!!!!!!! The invoice included a $87,000 RUG, $28,000 for four pairs of curtains and….. $1,405 for a wastebasket!!!!!!! Can any family in the entire country read this without wanting to PUKE. Seriously????

Now, the really troubling thing to me is that the rug & the curtains & God Help us the waste basket, were all ordered by the designer MICHAEL SMITH, whom Thane hired for the redecoration.

Michael Smith is a very talented Los Angeles based interior designer frequently featured in the now defunct (as of today!) DOMINO Magazine. His understated style is a little too “MITCHELL GOLD-BOB WILLIAMS-CRATE & BARREL for me; but he has legions of fans. Smith’s credo is so simple, sparse, & plain that I am shocked he could even find, let alone use, a waste receptacle that costs in excess of $1,000!!! The floors of his own Los Angeles home are covered in a type of sea grass or sisal that I wonder where on earth he obtained an $87,000 rug!!!!

Another troubling aspect to this whole disgusting tale is that the FIRST FAMILY; The Barack Obamas, have HIRED Michael Smith to be their personal decorator in The White House!!!!!!! Oh, but I hear that the Obamas have him on a strict budget of $100,000!!!!!!
Sorry Michelle, it looks like YOUR wastebaskets are coming from OFFICE DEPOT if that’s your limit!

Jesus!

WOW The week That Was

2009-01-22T22:40:00.000-08:00

Couldn’t you just feel it? That maybe, just maybe, we can turn this damn ship around? And how lucky we are that perhaps we found the exact right Captain to do it? And with a First Mate as gorgeous & capable as the fabulous MICHELLE OBAMA by his side; how exciting will it be to watch PRESIDENT OBAMA navigate these rocky waters?
OMG enough with the Nautical metophors already. But seriously I love watching our history unfold this week. And at the risk of seeming petty let me defend my criticism of Michelle’s fashion choices.

I enthusiastically applaud her support of young, upcomimng AMERICAN designers. This is laudable. And without going into great detail about all that was wrong with the two Inaugural ensembles, let me just say: BAN THE BLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every girl knows that DIAMONDS in DAY TIME are just plain wrong. Which is why even MRS. BERNIE MADOFF only wore a simple gold wedding band most of the time. I liked the color of Michelle’s daytime outfit but to have a garish diamond broach that was so large it seemed to be a choker & could be seen from JUPITER was, in my opinion, just tragic. But this is not the first time that the now house hold name ISABEL TOLEDO took one of her deceptively simple designs & ruined it with the wrong accessory. Toledo made a gorgeous black tunic & evening pants for Mrs. Obama to wear to a CALVIN KLEIN dinner and the whole sensational effect was ruined with the appearance of a large, over-done, diamond & (I suppose sapphire & ruby) necklace. Yea, I get it.. red white & blue! But like it was a prize from a gumball machine. Yuck! And while I am being honest I have to say I HATED the little dress from today’s Prayer Breakfast. The silhouette was lovely in belted black. But then the addition of a chartreuse & purple print (with GRAPES!!!!) was just…ummm….ugly~ I am sorry but I think the AMERICAN FASHION INDUSTRY particularly VOGUE; are just USING Mrs.Obama to sell a lot of ugly clothes by designers that are already in the stores & have a lot to lose by failing commercially. And I do not want a helpful Mrs. Obama to be used that way. Go with your gut Michelle.

Of course my favorite moment form the Inauguration was when the helicopter carried away the disastrous GEORGE BUSH. But even better than that was that the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY deigned to punish the PRINCE of DARKNESS, DICK CHEYNEY by putting him in a wheelchair for his final curtain call!!! Oh& it never really occurred to me but DICK CHEYNEY resembles no one so much as the evil MR POTTER (also in a wheelchair) in IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE. Besides the wheelchair karma we can be content to know that no matter how long her served or how many loathsome deeds he was responsible for; the entire country NEVER, EVER PRONOUNCED his name the way he wanted which (apparently is) CHEEEEEEENEY! Not CHAYNEY) Sorry….DICK! That IS Perfect!

Oh & lest we forget TODAY the ACADEMY AWARD Nominations were revealed. As the former partner of someone who would always wait up til dawn waitng to hear his name called even for performances that were D2DVD (that’s Direct To DVD) Iknow how anxious a time this can be. And all I really want to say is how happy I am that SEAN PENN Was nominated for his uncanny Harvey MILK. And also for my sentimental favorite performance for Best Actor by RICHARD JENKINS in THE VISITOR a film that was by far my favorite this year (I am still replaying scenes in my head…beautiful!) But I scremed out loud when the name MELISSA LEO was called for BEST ACTRESS! A trruly great performance. Bare, no frillls & freaking REAL!! She’ll never win, but all actors should be required to watch her in that role!

Free At Last

2009-01-19T23:03:00.000-08:00

3 OBAMA T-SHIRTS (including one to wear on St Patrick's Day) - $75
1 OBAMA Button- $3.00
2 OBAMA Window Signs- $30
1 Umbrella to use in the pouring rain @ the UCLA OPRAH/CAROLINE/MICHELLE Rally in February- $20
3 Online Donations to OBAMA '08 after Big PRIMARY Losses- $100

Playing a small part in taking back our Country & electing the one man with the intellect, grace & vision to LEAD us out of this mess- PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless The President of the United States & God Bless America

Sunday January Eighteenth

2009-01-19T09:58:00.000-08:00

With apologies to most of the rest of the country!

Santa Monica, CA - 86 Degrees

Parlour Games

2009-01-15T23:48:00.000-08:00

They say that in Los Angeles the economy is so bad that more than 30% of existing restaurants will close by month’s end due to the economy. Very sad that, but here’s another that I wish would close because they’re part of the problem.
There is a Pizza Parlour in Hollywood. Very chic. They bottle their own water even. It is one of the loudest restaurants in CA, so you had better like your sever because that is the only human being you will be having any decent conversation with…but I digress.

A famous chef who is a household name in some circles. A fact that is becoming even less important in these perilous times. But here is my most favorite part:

You have to make a reservation. Yes, I hear all of you who do not live in L.A. laughing that you would ever have to make a reservation at a pizza joint but wait, it gets better.

You call the main number & are directed by a voice message to call the Reservation OFFICE. Fine. You call. Oh, but they do not open til 10:00 a.m. You call at 10:01 a.m. You get a recorded message delivered flawlessly by a citizen of the BRITISH Realm. Or since it’s L.A. more likely an out-of-work actress who is hoping for a SHOWTIME audition for THE TUDORS. Very PRINCESS MARGARET!!! She deigns to congratulate you on your having made it into the Reservation QUEUE!!!!! (QUEUE! Pronounced KEW I swear to GOD!) To the Americans reading this that means LINE as in “get in line!” Then she announces that you are “CALLER #9” or, God help you, a higher number. Then the real fun begins. They actually count you down!

Yes they “do thank you for your patience” but then they say “You’re are caller 9!” Then “8” then “7” then “6” As the tension builds you feel so much like a game show contestant that you half expect HOWIE MANDEL or REGIS PHILBIN to be the next voice you hear…but alas, that is not the case (Christ I sound like HER!) No. LADY CHATTERLY gets back on to say “You’re Caller #2” “I’m NEXT!” you think! But you are deluded. After a few moments its announced that “You’re caller #1!” And sooner than you can say “I’ll take POTENT POTABLES for $500 please Alec!” You are connected to a human being!

Your heart is beating loudly when you timidly speak:” Hi! I’ was hoping to make a reservation for next Friday!” ?? “For lunch or dinner?” asks the decidedly non-English voice. “Dinner! you declare. “For how many?” the Beverly-Hills-but-South-of-Olympic voice inquires. “Four” you say brightly. And pathetically you are HOPEFUL. It’s just PIZZA. Its just 4 of you. It’s a full week’s notice! “Of course!” teases Brooke (all problematic girls are named BROOKE so let’s just go with that!) “I can seat you at 10:45!”

No. Do not re-read that. You read correctly the first time. I cannot get a reservation for 4 at the local pizza parlour on a Friday night until nearly MIDNIGHT!!!

I call back. I can appreciate this game. I change the day & the date to lesser ones. I lower the number of my guests. My all time best performance is 4 PEOPLE at 9:30 on a THURSDAY 1 week from now!!!

But now I don’t want to go. I don’t want to work this hard to eat pizza in a restaurant in an almost “dodgy” part of town. And even though the chef is quasi-famous he is most assuredly NOT BRITISH! AAnd I have it on very good authority form my many affected friends who do not say DIE! as quickly as I do, that no matter what hoops you jump through, lies you tell, games you play, the place is always one quarter empty. They leave tables open in case GEORGE CLOONEY & BRAD PITT show up looking for “a SLICE!” Oh & no celebrities are ever even spotted there which in L.A. is the mark of a bad restaurant, trust me.

But is MUST be the BEST PIZZA in LOS ANGELES you’re thinking right now, I bet. Ummm no! The BEST PIZZA in LOS ANGELES can be found at a place called ANGELINO CAFE on 3rd Street where there ARE CELEBRITIES are where there is NO reservation drama, and where they are always glad to see you, even if there is no QUEUE!

Cafe Angelino

Al Sharpton for President

2009-01-15T22:47:00.000-08:00

Atlanta GA

From the pulpit of Tabernacle Baptist Church on Sunday, Rev. Al Sharpton called out the Mormon Church and other conservative faiths for mobilizing to support Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage in California while refusing to be as involved in any other social concerns.

“It amazes me when I looked at California and saw churches that had nothing to say about police brutality, nothing to say when a young black boy was shot while he was wearing police handcuffs, nothing to say when the they overturned affirmative action, nothing to say when people were being delegated into poverty, yet they were organizing and mobilizing to stop consenting adults from choosing their life partners,” Sharpton told a packed audience on Jan. 11.

“There is something immoral and sick about using all of that power to not end brutality and poverty, but to break into people’s bedrooms and claim that God sent you,” Sharpton added.

"...to break into people's bedrooms and claim God sent you!!!!!!! That is GENIUS!

Damn!!! Preach It Rev!!

If only our President-elect had the balls this dude does!

Speaking of whom I am driving south on the 405 today & see a (possibly home-made) bumper sticker that said: "Impeach Obama" of course the jackass behind the wheel was white & drivng one of those huge SUVS that will keep us in the Middle East until Jesus comes again otherwise I would have made attempt to explain the Constitution & how it is impossible to impeach someone who has not taken the Oath of Office yet.

I was on the freeway going to buy office supplies. And as a gay man I always have to ask WHY? Lord, WHY? do the things we need to organize our desks & offices always have to be so ugly & cheaply made???

I went to STAPLES. And you know what I forgot to buy there? Wait for it...STAPLES!

Pet Sounds

2009-01-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! TheGayGardener has a lot of irons in the fire lately; so I have been very remiss about blogging, sorry.

Two years ago today, I lost my best friend. He was 13 years old, salt & pepper hair, well, fur actually. His name was Sam. I miss him every day.

I like to say that Sam & I met on the last day of my 29th year & that I stayed that age in his eyes, if no one else’s .
Everyone thinks their pet is special. Mine was specially neurotic. I wish I knew where he got it! Unlike most dogs I see in Los Angeles he hated riding in the car. He would only sleep in his “doggy bed” if it was placed on top of my bed. He lived the entire last year of his life eating nothing but avocadoes & imported Italian Parmesan Cheese (@ $24 per lb!)

How do you tell the story of your life with a dog? We played fetch, he slobbered on the guests, barked at the mailman, ate a biscuit etc.??
I’m not a “pet person” really. It was my EX’s idea to get a dog. We had just “lost” a cat to the coyotes in the Hollywood Hills and wanted to improve our odds with a larger animal. With no notion or research, we ended up with an English Springer Spaniel we named: “Charmichael’s Canyonwood Sam” (something fancy for the AKC Papers!) Son of Champion “Reverence” & “Cachet”. His mother was a bitch (we had that in common) DOB: October 18, 1993.
We actually didn’t pick him up from the breeder until December 18th 1993 just in time for my Birthday.

So after the love of my life (ha!) whom I moved 3,00 miles across the country to be with; decided after more than 6 years, that he couldn’t live without the younger, handsomer, caterer he hired for our Christmas party, this despite the fact that the lad nearly poisoned all of our friends with undercooked turkey, I got custody of Willie the cat & Sam the dog…the kids. Oh & $5,000 out of the $1.8 Million he had made that year. It was the best “Severance Package” I ever got.
Somebody once said that to own a pet is a guaranteed heart ache. The odds are just no good that they will outlive you. And so here sits Sam, now on my desk, in a lovely urn from Smith & Hawken; waiting for me, like always, to come home & take him out for a walk.
I love & miss you Buddy.

Away In Manger

2009-01-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

So a friend (???) emailed me on Facebook to find out “what LAWN I stole the Baby Jesus from?” that was featured in my Christmas Decorations (“Buon Natale 08”) Well I guess the honest answer is: my parents lawn. But let me explain.

Do you want to know how GAY I was as a child?? For my 12th Birthday I asked for a “light-up HOLY FAMILY”. Yea you read correctly. I was so into Christmas & the requisite “decorating” & everyone said I had “a FLAIR” that much unlike other 12 year old boys who were asking for new hockey sticks, or “spikes” or baseball gloves or other utterly depressing items, I was begging for objects for display on my Parent’s front lawn.

Since my Birthday is so close to Christmas (December 19th) I was hoping to double down & end up with the whole NATIVITY ENSEMBLE in one season. My parents bought me the MARY & JOSEPH. I purchased the Baby Jesus with the plastic manger accessory included. My 6 brothers & sisters chipped in & bought me 2 of the three WISE MEN (which because of my o.c.d. had to wait for the following year for their unveiling as what gay guy could work with only ¾ of a TRIO?) But it is the thought that counts. And I refuse to accuse them of racism just because they only purchased the WHITE WISE MEN.

In any event, I built a “stable” out of left over lumber and since my Dad worked in Insurance (as one of his 9 jobs) and since the insurance company covered the local race track; I prevailed upon him to visit the “actual” stables & bring home some straw or hay for an authentic effect! Which, to his credit. he uncomplainingly did!

It was some seasons before I could build up to Shepherds & sheep & other animals….but I managed. My dream was to have the whole Nativity tableaux with a Santa Clause & sleigh & eight reindeer (plus RUDOPLH!) flying high above them just to “tie up” the entire Christmas Story but I never did achieve this worthy goal. Partly because my neighbors wouldn’t agree to having guy wire strung between our two homes with lighted electrical decorations attached. But mainly because I got distracted by KNOTTS LANDING or FALCON CREST or DYNASTY (before they went or MOLDAVIA) or something, in all honesty.
But the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die. In the immortal words of Sen. Ted Kennedy.

So the “front lawn” in question my dear “K.R” is 2909 Thunderhead Road…a place that lives only in my dreams!

Felize 2009

2009-01-05T00:05:00.001-08:00

Well that’s what they say in BRAZIL anyway. And that is where I was lucky enough to spend Christmas Day through New Year’s. A lovely place. We didn’t do RIO or SAO PAULO or any of the known big places. “dark & tan & young & lovely the girl from IPENEMA goes walking & when she passes eanc one she passes goes ahhhhhh…” those kind of places.

Instead we went to a beach resort called RECIFE & then on to a place called, Porto de Galinhas, which is a very sweet way of saying PORT OF THE CHICKENS. And they aren’t kidding! I saw dozens of trucks carrying so many chickens that I became a vegetarian for the week. But honestly the FOOD is enough reason for any one to go to BRAZIL!! I think I gained 10 lbs in the past 8 days!!

Did you ever have the kind of vacation where you did absolutely nothing & it all felt something like a DREAM?? Then this one was it for me. Breakfast, beach, chair, ocean, chair, ocean, chair, shower, dinner, bed! For SEVEN DAYS!!! And man I needed it!

If you go to Brazil you’d better bone up on your Portugeuse! They do NOT speak ENGLISH, nor SPANISH, nor ITALIAN. God Bless em. But I must say my CHARADES skills have improved considerably!

No one & I mean no one does NEW YEARS’S EVE like BRAZIL. For minimal additional costs (US $50) we were treated to a NYE Extravaganza like I have never seen before. The day of the whole resort was covered in white fabric. The tabletops, the landscaping, the awnings, & white flags flying hither & yon. Dinner was at 8:00. And all of the guests (99% Brazilians) arrived wearing all white which is easy for them as its Summer! An endless open buffet was provided (the English word is : Yummy!!!) At 10 the festivities began in earnest. Dozens of women & men in brightly colored sequined garb began dancing accompanied by drums & horns & brass. Near midnight the dancing reached a fever-pitch & we were lead to a table where the staff was poring champagne like water. Then on to the beach which had been lit by hundreds of fire pots up & down the coast. We were given white flowers to toss into the Atlantic at Midnight & make a wish for the New Year. And then the skies EXPLODED with fireworks from our beach & as far as the eye could see!! STUNNING.
After this I cannot imagine spending New Years ANYWHERE else but BRAZIL!

Happy New Year to all of you & thanks for making 2008 such a great year for TheGaygardener.,

Sweet Peas & peace & a great 2009 to all of you!!

Little Christmas

2009-01-04T23:26:00.000-08:00

Today is officially The Feast of The Epiphany. Also known as “Little Christmas” When the Magi finally showed up which we have already discussed. This day marks the formal end of the Christmas Season NOT the 75% MARKDOWN at BLOOMINGDALE’s as is popularly believed.

This past Christmas we were fortunate enough to once again be hosted by our delicious friend the producer/designer; KEITH KNOPF at his home-away-from-home in the Hollywood Hills. As many of our guests were of Italian extraction we chose to call this BUON NATALE 2008. What a lovely time we had. Of course the food was AMAZING which goes without saying. But the company was more a gift than anything else. And for the Second year in a row a surprise appearance by BUDDY THE ELF

I am so lucky to be part of this beautiful, interesting, talented, family-of-our-own-making. That even if none of them could actually cook I’d still choose them & we’d just order pizza.

Christmas never really ends for TheGayGardener; and I hope it never ends for you either!
Pax!
Charlie

Christmas 2008 A Look Back

2009-01-02T23:42:00.000-08:00

“Christmas can’t be over…I’m still decorating!” –TheGayGardener

Hi everyone!! So sorry to be absent for so long. Fortunately December is a really busy time for TheGayGardener. I did 2 parties, 3 Christmas trees, 2 Holiday House exteriors (so sick of pointsettias I could scream) all the while fighting record rainfall in L.A. oh! and then I left for a Winter holiday to South America on Christmas Day. I’m pooped! But I bet you are too!

A few things I learned or re-learned this Holiday season:

*Use Mother Nature as often as you can. Spray painted white sticks or branches can make a great tree in a lovely pot or container. (I trimmed one using some vintage chandelier crystals I took off a lamp years ago.) And Pinecones are everywhere & make great accents & they’re free!! I brushed some white paint on the tips for a snowy affect & strung them with colored ribbon & hung them everywhere. You can also place a large or medium sized one in a container and make a little perfect tree.

*A pretty branch painted white & placed in a tall glass vase with white gravel or rock salt looks simple yet dramatic.

*Fill regular Christmas ball ornaments with water & use them as vases! I got this from Better Homes & Gardens. BH&G placed the balls in vases first but I just used some glued on wire on the bottom to steady the balls. Silver balls filled with white roses & placed on a table top mirror is look smashing!

* Please let’s stop pretending that “We have enough lights!” And ignore your husband if he says something similar to that. We never have enough lights. You all know my Tree Rule : A MINIMUM of 100 L.P.F. (lights per foot) but that’s just weak. 200 is more like it. So buy light early & buy them often, you’ll find a use for them. Even if only to replace the 3 sets that you have in the garage that will be burned out before Christmas eve.

* Two words: Spray Snow! I love this stuff!! It costs what, $2 a can? And you can use it give your tree a little snow mist & avoid the dreaded “Flocking” (an ugly word for an ugly effect) You can spray the aforementioned sticks in lieu of white paint. I used it to temporarily whitewash some terra cotta pots and it looked terrific. You can, of course use it on the windows as prescribed.

*Tinsel in the hands of an amateur will prove fatal. Trust me.

* Gift giving is like the Academy Awards. It seems such a big deal at the time & we sweat over each purchase (especially these days!) But nobody will remember next year what they got this year just like no one recalls who won last year’s Oscar! Unless the answer is Marissa Tomei. So unless you’ve made an unbelievably bad gift choice, don’t sweat it. Being together is really all that matters!

* You need a unifier! Ok So I get the nostalgia of using all those macaroni covered ornaments that the kids made in 6th grade every year! So use all that sentimental stuff but try to unify the tree in some way. Use only red balls. Or just "star" ornaments or lengths of garlands or beads in the same color this will make your tree seem more "done"

This Sunday is the feast of The Epiphany or "Little Christmas" This day commemorates the arrival of the Magi to the stable when the Christ Child was born. Hey they were WISE & ARTISTIC men nobody said they were punctual!! YOU try telling time by a damn STAR!!

After Sunday if your tree is still up your just sad. Or more likely lazy!! Merry Little!!

You Can't Go Home Again

2008-12-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

THOMAS WOLFE was right. Oh, sure, you can try. You can physically return to the site of your birth. But the you that was, and the family & friends that were, even if they remain, are changed. And so home is really a state of mind. Or a piece of time frozen in a thing called memory. And because the mind is such a tricky place the memory makes brighter that which was bright & almost completely dims that which was dark, else we might lose our minds.

Such a poet I am. But having recently returned from the place I was born, I am again reminded how lucky I am to be able to return home, the home I chose, in this frustratingly lovely placed called Los Angeles. To the people I chose & who chose me back, so that we are a family of our own making & not a genetic accident. So that I can sit around a Thanksgiving table & feel gratitude & love & not that sick, knotty, feeling in the pit of my stomach that warns of approaching danger & hurt feelings & cross words & spilt tears.

I, thankfully, am the last of the CLOSET GENERATION. The group of men & women who grew up pre WILL & GRACE. Who sat at countless Thanksgivings & Christmases & Weddings & said: “No, Aunt Margaret, I haven’t met the right girl yet!” or “Joe & I are room mates because it saves so much on the rent!” The good & the guilty who habitually drank too much at family gatherings & slipped their number to the cute waiters & then went to Mass the next morning begging for forgiveness & hoping to pray the gay away.
The generation that came after us will have no idea what I am talking about.

But things do can & do change. And so this year in addition to the usual drama & tears there is polite if hesitant talk of domestic partnerships, & health insurance & yes…Marriage. A Thanksgiving at home followed by a wedding at the old "home" where the brother-in-law tells me that he visits my website & watches my YouTube videos because he loves his wife so much, despite disagreeing with me & my “choice” And then it got a tad uglier from there. What’s that other line? “The more things change, the more they stay the same!”

"And felt my heart beat back a weekend's worth of sadness
Coming up close. Everything sounds like welcome home.  Come home." AIMEE MANN

Now Thank We All Our God

2008-12-02T23:25:00.000-08:00

How many pounds did YOU gain?
Liar!

Hope you all had a great holiday! Isn't Thanksgiving wonderful?
Just one long day of eating delicious, comfort food, and hanging out with family & friends. No presents, no wrapping, no MALL SHOPPING! Plus you get to use those HALLOWEEN PUMPKINS one more time. And you can augment them with things you find out in the back yard for God's sake.

I spent $20 on mums & sunflowers & created 3 nice centerpieces. Gathered leaves & sticks from outside, some straw decorations from the craft store along with some votives & made a lovely mantle tableaux. And even turned some used terra cotta pots into PILGRIM's HATS!!

O.K. Let The CHRISTMAS GAMES BEGIN!!

Curtain Up

2008-11-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

While perusing my local newsstand today I was struck by the cover of the theatre newspaper BACKSTAGE; the Bible for actors in New York. I recalled trying to be one of those actors & barely having enough left over from my tip money to purchase the paper. I only noticed this copy because the startling American theatre legend, MARIAN SELDES was staring back at me from the cover.

The Tony Award winning actress is a national treasure, if not a household name. And there isn’t a soul working in the theatre or on its periphery as I did, who does not have a Marian Story. Miss Seldes is always so wonderfully dramatic that she makes MARGO CHANNING look like a chorus girl. It was said of Miss Channing (the character made famous by Bette Davis in the film, All About Eve) that “Margo compensates for underplaying onstage by overplaying real life!” But the very thing about Miss Seldes is she just…is! She is the same person off the stage as she is on it. The actress character that DIANE WEIST played (& won an Oscar doing do) in Woody Allen’s Bullets Over Broadway is said to be based on Miss Seldes.

A friend of mine once told me of a time he was in a restaurant in New York and a famous producer was dining there as well. The producer was having an awful experience with a tryout of a sequel to a musical. Suddenly a very tall & regal woman in a cape (!!) swept into the dining room & thrust some sort of religious medal into the hands of the producer and exclaimed: “I’m praying for you!” And exited!...MARIAN!

Here’s my Marian story: After months of drama, it is decided that I will leave New York & will come to Los Angeles and join my then partner, Michael Jeter, who was working on a television series after great success in the theatre. I sold everything I had in New York. (which wasn’t much!) and I arrive at LAX not without some serious trepidation. All is made well as I exit the gate & see the smiling face of my beloved, waiting to pick me up. “Ah! Yes! This is why I came!” He is so happy I am here! The smile grows broader. I notice an older couple walking beside me. The gentleman is in a wheelchair, accompanied by a very striking tall woman. I keep walking. (In those pre 9/11 days you could meet your passenger directly at the gate) Michael is now almost jumping for joy! “Wow!” I think. “He is really so excited to see me!” “I definitely made the right decision!” Just as I am about to put down my bag & embrace Michael, the tall woman cuts in front of me; arms outstretched and declares: “MICHAEL, DARLING!” “Garson! It’s Michael! Can you believe it?” Well no Miss Seldes I actually cannot BELIEVE it. I have thought & dreamt of this exact moment for months & now you sweep in & I’m pushed to the side like an after-thought. Finally Michael remembers exactly what (whom) brought him to LAX and quietly says: “Charlie! may I introduce Marian Seldes & her husband, Garson Kanin!” “How do you dos” are exchanged all around. And of course I suddenly remember that Marian had married the actress Ruth Gordon’s widower, the famous screenwriter, GARSON KANIN, some months earlier. Kanin only wrote all of the famous screenplays for the films that teamed KATHERINE HEPBURN & SPENCER TRACY. I literally wanted to die. My big moment of triumphant arrival… dashed! When I sullenly complained to Michael moments later in the car; he said: “Seriously Charlie!” “Far greater talents than you or I have been UPSTAGED by MARIAN SELDES….you should think of it as an HONOR!” And trust me, I now do!

PHOTO BY CRAIG SCHWARTZ

"This is Not Rosa Parks on The Bus"

2008-11-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

Ohhh, my friends yes it is!! I promise I will eventually get back to gardening, landscaping, table top decorations & celebrities, but for the moment, Marriage Equality is all I got! “No More Mr. Nice Gay!” as a t-shirt I saw at a rally read.

The headline quote is from some Manhattan socialite in reaction to that dust-up a few years back when OPRAH WINFREY was pissed that HERMES in PARIS wouldn’t stay open late so she could buy a gift for TINA TURNER. Oprah felt the French were being racists & not everyone agreed.

Speaking of whom; where is OPRAH’s Statement on PROP 8? I know BARACK OBAMA gave that tepid little non-endorsement the week before the election, but where are all the great liberal minds of our generation? Where the hell is ROSIE O’DONNELL? I mean she has been legally married to her wife, Kelly, in every state that would allow it. She said last week that she would like to “have a beer with SARAH PALIN!” but CRICKETS regarding the passage of PROP 8.

Today, November 15th, there were hundreds of protests against PROP 8 in major cities & towns across the country. Sadly the fact that the state of CALIFORNIA is basically ABLAZE, will be the major story from the West, as it should be. But as the song used to say: “There’s Something Happening Here!”

The best take on today’s activities comes from THE ATLANTIC’S ANDREW SULLIVAN. He has been posting all day with stories from around the country, sent in by readers who have attended rallys & sent in their observations & photos. Herewith:

"Marriage means something," said one of the speakers. This speaker then told of the sudden death of his partner of thirty-four years. They had a trust; they had papers of all kinds; they had planned and prepared for every contingency - except for a lack of respect and regard for their 34 year commitment to each other. The funeral home insisted they could not cremate this man on the word of his partner of three plus decades; they needed an OK from a family member. No document, however legal, mattered on that loss and shock filled day after the unexpected death of this speaker's partner of 34 years - thirty-four years.
Think about that when you next hear that contracts and papers are enough and marriage isn't sacred or right for these people.
We are so often told by opponents of marriage equality that they do not oppose our right to have basic legal protections. What they do not understand, because they have never had to understand, is that without legal marriage, gay couples are always subject to the veto of family members who have more say over our spouses under the law than we do.

I remember a story told me during the AIDS epidemic. A man was visiting a friend dying in hospital. It was a grim scene, as it often was in those days. The next bed in the ward had a curtain drawn around it. And from behind that curtain, you could hear someone quietly singing. The man told his friend, "Well, at least that dude is keeping his spirits up, however sick he is." And the friend replied:

"Oh, that's not the patient singing. He died this morning. And his family came to collect the body. That voice you hear is the man's partner. The family didn't approve of his relationship and they have barred him from coming to the funeral and kicked him out of their shared home. That song he's singing is the song they called their own. It was playing when they met. He used to sing it to him all the time when he was dying."
"He's still singing it even though they've taken the body away. He's singing it to an empty bed. I guess it's the last time he feels he'll ever be close to the man he loved. They were together twenty years. The hospital staff don't have the heart to ask him to leave yet."

Until you have been treated as sub-human, it's hard to appreciate how it feels. We will not give up. And we will win in part for the sake of those who never made it to see this day.
This is what my faith teaches me, whatever the Vatican insists. Our love really is stronger than their fear.

For more from Andrew go to:
Andrew Sullivan

The photo above is from Friday’s LOS ANGELES TIMES. The guy in blue with his hand cupped around his mouth to amplify the BOOOO! Is ME. Thank God I look thin. The lovely blonde lezzie to my left is my friend CHRISTIAN CAPOBIANCO. I have already taken crap from friends (???) and others who question the morality (???????) of a boycott & other means of protest. I would refer you to just two (2) of the stories in ONE of the Sullivan Posts above.

“EVIL triumphs when good men do nothing!” – EDMUND BURKE

"MY LITTLE MARGIE"

2008-11-14T00:22:00.001-08:00

That was the name of a very early TV Show starring GALE STORM
Another storm brewing here in L.A is the demonstrations against the Passage of Prop 8 Which for one of the first times in California history formally wrote discrimination into law & eliminated the rights of one minority by virtue of a vote at the ballot box
Sadly I have been unable to attend most of the recent demonstrations to work comittments. One I was able to go to was tonight's demonstration against the restaurant, EL COYOTE in Hollywood. Why demonstrate in front of an extremely mediocre restaurant in Hollywood, you may well ask? And the Answer is my little Margie
Margie Christofferen is the manager & heiress of El COYOTE, her parents apparently owned the joint 50 years ago. Here's the AP:

But Marjorie Chrisoffersen, who is also a Mormon, is not feeling good about her actions. She wants to speak to people about it tomorrow before lunch at the restaurant on Beverly Blvd. near La Brea:

I have been sick at heart that anyone has been offended by me. I have family, friends, employees from the gay community who are treasured people in my life.
I have been a member of the Mormon church all my life. I responded to their request with my personal donation.

For years the El Coyote has financially and generously supported the gay community and its charities.

Please be my guest for an early lunch Wed., Nov. 12th, @ 11:00 am and allow me to personally speak with you.

Please call and make a reservation as seating is limited. (323) 939-2255.

Margie

"I think she saw how it affected her pocketbook and freaked," said SFist Editor Brock Keeling who pointed us towards the statement.

Sources say that the restaurant was full for MARGIE'S APOLOGY LUNCH but also that they only took reservations for 70!!

I was so shocked this evening to see dozens of patrons willing to cross a picket line. Imagine pulling into a parking lot of a Mexican Restaurant with hundreds of people with signs screaming "SHAME ON YOU!!" & "HATE ON A PLATE!" & fighting mightily for their civil rights & all YOU care about is your poorly made FAJITAS & BAD MARGARITAS!! WHO are these people?
I counted at least one dozen cars willing to cross the line of folks demanding their civl rights. My credulity was at last strained beyond belief when two young good looking guys with great teeth (!!!!) & clearly BOYFRIENDS exited their PRIUS, explaining that they were MORMONS!!! WHich is the only possible answer! Due to the physical similarity between the 2 dozen or so patrons who were willing to stand on the WRONG side of history!!!
Now I am sorry. On the surface it is just one old lady donating $100 to a cause because her church told her so! I get it. I still consider myself a Catholic. But when my church demands I vote YES on 8 or NO on 4! (Parental Notification of Abortion) or to donate more money to get Pedophile Priests off the hook...I just say NO!!!!! Because it is the right thing to do & I have a fully informed Christian Conscience...I know when to say NO! Margie!!! I'm sorry you do not! And I am sorry that EL COYOTE will be forever off limits for my brothers & sisters in the Gay Commmunity!
Also sorry that we cannot, MUST NOT ever stay in a MARRIOTT HOTEL, EAT AT EL POLLO LOCO, CORNER BAKERY CAFE, Buy FISHER PRICE TOYS, OR BLACK & DECKER TOOLS ...ever again too but more on all these BIGOTED Companies later
Photos above taken with my IPHONE & YES! They suck But funny the one I did capture! Ironic a Company with so much attention to PARKING IN THE REAR turns out to be soooo homophobic

Post Polling Depression

2008-11-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

"Our long National Nightmare has come to an end” - President Gerald R Ford on assuming the Presidency after Nixon's resignation.

Wheeeewww! It’s over right? So sorry to have not posted in quite awhile. It’s been an interesting week. Rather than sit around biting my nails & reading exit polls, I decided to volunteer to be a Poll Worker for Los Angeles County this past election day. It was quite the experience.

You have to arrive at the polling place (Hollywood Women’s Club for me!) to help set up. When I pulled at 5:45 am there were already people lined up though the polling place did not open til 7:00 a.m. And it was RAINING! Wow! I thought this is going to be interesting.

The line eventually wrapped around the long blocks between Franklin Ave. & Hollywood Blvd. But people were so nice & so patient and frankly so HAPPY to be voting, that it felt a privilege to help them do it. You obviously cannot discuss politics if you are playing a official role. But there was one family who came in mid-day that I just wanted to leap up & embrace. African American father, white mother & 2 beautiful sons. The Mom was practically jumping up & down waiting in line. And she could simply not wipe the broad smile off her face. She already had her documentation out and as they approached holding their sons by the hand, she looked at me; and I thought we would both burst into tears. “Great day!” I managed to utter. “It surely is!” she replied & then raced off to the nearest booth. Father & mother each took one child into the voting booth with them. And I wondered if these 2 small children could even appreciate the significance of what they were witnessing.

One thing I could have lived without were the God damn “Write In” people. There were only a few thank God. Yes, I know, as Americans we all have the right to vote for whomever we wish, whether they are running or not. Yep, you can just write in any name you like at the top of your ballot. Think your DAD would make a great President, sign him up! Really miss Hillary Clinton (really?) write her in. The pain on the ass part is that you need a special write in ballot with blank slots at the top. So I had about four of these requests in the 13 hours that the polls were open. I was rather annoyed thinking: ”Come on people! O.K. so your guy or girl isn’t among the nominees. Are you just going to piss your vote away?” But I did my duty & gave them the appropriate ballot. Imagine my delight at learning hours later as we recorded the ballots that two of the write-ins were for PARIS HILTON!!!!!!!! Well, she was running right? But seriously! You waited in line for nearly an hour to vote for PARIS for PRESIDENT!!!???? I’m thinking now that there should be some kind of IQ test for voters! Not ALL RIGHTS should be given to all People!

Which is clearly what many, many people were thinking as CALIFORNIANS voted to write discrimination into LAW! Sadly Proposition 8 (or PROP HATE as it is known in my neighborhood) passed by a slim majority. I’ll likely have a lot more to say on that as the story unfolds (Boycott UTAH!!!-The Hate State CANCEL SUNDANCE! (film festival) RESCIND Tax Exempt Status for Churches Acting as Political Organizations!!) but just let me now just register my profound disappointment & disgust.

For almost 2 years, I have imagined waking up on November 5th, to a whole new world. And I did. I didn’t realize though that the joy & relief I would feel at Obama’s election to the Presidency would be so sourly surpassed by the personal rejection I felt at the hands of my fellow Californians who still think it just that I & my fellow gays keep riding on the back of the bus. Even today, looking at the photos of one of my favorite political rituals where the President-Elect comes calling on the current President as a courtesy, sort of a political Open House Tour…I felt elation then a gnawing guilt. YEA! WE WON!!! Oh no, YOU won; me & mine…we’re still waiting. And every goose-bump feels like a betrayal.

And the little puffs of smoke spell HATE

2008-11-03T23:44:00.000-08:00

Well, gosh! Who doesn't love a skywriter?
Something magically childish about looking up in the sky to watch a plane spell out a message or even an advertisement.
Today I was at a TV Studio when I looked up again with wonder to watch a skywrite spell out: YES ON PROP 8!
Which as you all well know would legally ELIMINATE my RIGHT to Marry in the State of California. Nauseating!

Perhaps because it has one of the greatest BROADWAY Anthems ever & I do LOVE a SHOW TUNE but whatever; I still think this is the most clever, funny & moving video of the campaign! And what better way to finish out this election season

Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in heaven has in store.
One more dawn,
one more day,
one day more!

WRITE For RIGHT

2008-10-29T22:21:00.001-07:00

Today is “WRITE TO MARRY DAY” where bloggers across California & the country are encouraged to post about Proposition 8. Coincidentally, my Vote-By-Mail ballot arrived in today’s mail. I need to vote absentee because I’ll be working the polls next Tuesday, election day.

On Page 1 of the Ballot I had the distinct privilege of casting my vote for Sens. Barack Obama & Joe Biden. I found myself oddly emotional in the quiet of my office to be able to make this historic choice after this long, long, election season. I became emotional again (read: enraged!) when I turned to Page 5 of the Ballot & under State Measures finally read the exact wording of the Proposition 8:

ELIMINATES RIGHT OF SAME-SEX COUPLES TO MARRY. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Changes California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry. Provides that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in the Sate of California.

What part of the above has any place in a Democracy? In the United States of America are we now using the polling place to ELIMINATE rights? The Supreme Court of The State of California in a majority ruling found that it is unconstitutional to prohibit people of the same gender to marry one another if they choose. But on November 4th we’ll use the ballot box to formally write discrimination into law & inscribe into the Constitution the ELIMINATION of rights of a certain group of people?? Why? Because the MORMON CHURCH thinks it’s wrong and are carpet-bagging this issue by funding it from Utah? Because ROME is against it? That Sir, is UNAMERICAN!

If voting for Barack Obama is about taking back the country from the fundementalists, the Christianists (not Christians!) the richest 1% and the racists then voting NO on Proposition 8 is part & parcel of this same movement!!

It is almost funny to walk around my neighborhood. The plethora of NO ON 8 Signs is overwhelming. Folks just don’t have one sign. Whole yards & walls & windows are covered in them. And I don’t live in a primarily “gay” neighborhood, but a Jewish one. There are more NO ON 8 signs than Obama signs. This makes me feel very good. So I was shocked to find the above leaflet on the ground near my house today. Republicans & haters are so good with ‘code” aren’t they? No idea what they “REAL EQUALITY” is that they’re referring to; but we all can recognize the allusion to “ABUSIVE AFFIRMATIVE ACTIONS” for being the race-baiting that is surely is.

The other photo shows my front window with its OBAMA & NO ON 8 Signs surrounded by Halloween lights!!! (I AM TheGayGardener after all!) The NO ON 8 Sign is a little crooked I may have been a little drunk when I hung it up! This election is very stressful!!

To my friends & foes, family & Church members, neighbors, clients & followers of TheGayGardener: I want you remember my face, to think of me, and the thousands like me, to make this personal, when you vote on Tuesday. Could you really, REALLY deny me the most basic right that all of you have enjoyed your entire lives? I have great faith in you & in my fellow Californians to do the right thing and say NO! to Hate! VOTE NO ON 8! (FILL in circle #115 on your ballot if you’re in Los Angeles County)

Just Say No

2008-10-24T03:56:00.000-07:00

ELIZABETH TAYLOR Did it EIGHT times!! ZSA ZSA GABOR NINE Times! MICKEY ROONEY 8! CHER did it for 9 DAYS & BRITNEY SPEARS for less than 2 Days!! And it ain’t just celebrities! HENRY XVIII did it SIX times and we all know how those ended. BUT I CAN’T DO IT ONCE?????? Really???

Of course I am talking about MARRIAGE. And as the campaign for equality has heated up state by state, so has the campaign for hate. So soon after the California Supreme Court found it unconstitutional to deny the right to marry based on gender; the frightened haters pulled together & put PROPOSITION 8 on the Ballot which defines marriage as only between a man & a woman.

Quite honestly I never thought I would see this in my lifetime. That I would be “allowed” to legally get married to my partner. But as soon as San Francisco, and Massachusettes, then the state of California & now Connecticut, revisited laws that discriminated against a person’s basic right to marry whom they please; I thought Hell Yes! Why not?? Am I less a person than anyone else? Less a citizen? Less entitled to the liberties & rights of any other American. My responsibilities are no less. I pay taxes, I observe the laws, I vote, I clean up after my dog, I volunteer in my community.

Don’t be fooled by the (yes, very effective) advertising on behalf of the haters. These ads are being paid for in large part by out of state bigots, namely the MORMON CHURCH. (77%) Which, given their historical respect for the sanctity of marriage (BIG LOVE, anyone?) is a fucking joke. Also please note: The Proposition is deceptively worded: If you support something you tend to vote YES! However; if you support everyone’s right to marry & do not wish to write discrimination into law, in this case vote NO!

The heroic Mayor of San Francisco, GAVIN NEWSOME, who really started this whole ball rolling. is now being used as a tool for the haters. If you live in California you have certainly seen the commercials featuring the Mayor at a Marriage “Rally” saying: “It’s gonna happen (Gay Marriage) weather you LIKE IT OR NOT!” It is made to sound like a threat! But oh, it’s a Promise!!! It IS Gonna happen, maybe not on November 4th. Maybe the haters will prevail & somehow take a perverse joy in the fact that they will have “annulled” the hundreds of marriages that have already taken place. I pity them. History will judge them as harshly as any ignorant, bigoted, pathetic group; that ever hailed from Little Rock, or Philadelphia, or Selma.

First Link is a list of those on the ”Dishonor Roll” the major contributors to the Yes on Hate Proposition. Next is the home of the No! On 8 where you can read more & contribute. Last is a beautiful & brief video regarding this matter called, “Permission” Watch it!

SAY NO TO HATE!!!!! VOTE NO ON 8!!!!!!!!!

Dishonor Roll

No On 8

"Halloween Headquarters"

2008-10-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

So The 99 Cents Store calls itself your Halloween Headquarters and they are soooooo right! You gotta check it out.

I love these Halloween Centerpieces. Everything came from the 99 Cents Store. The orange painted buckets that I trimmed with black & orange feather boas (soo cute) & filled with black artificial roses & twigs.
But leave the Halloween aisle because there’s plenty more to see. The large orange plastic goblets would be fun at a party & the smoked black glass compotes would be terrific too. I filled these with little orange “pincushion” plants all also at The 99 Cents Store

Elevate the lowly Pumpkin!! A simple pumpkin in anything raised will look so smashing & dramatic. Use your champagne buckets & urns. For the smaller ones use sugar bowls & eggcups! And don’t be lazy if you’re going to feature them, at least clean & polish them a little. Scrape the mud off & use a little mayo or olive oil on a paper towel & make those babies shine!

Here Kitty, Kitty!

2008-10-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Halloween things to do with the kids…oh, wait, I don’t have kids. But if you do or you’re just a crafty queer with too much time on his hands this one is easy!
PumpKitty
Take three of those small pumpkins. Not the minis they are too ridged. Use the small “Baking” or “Spice” ones & paint them a glossy black. Once dry attach them one the other with toothpicks or better yet, those wooden kabob skewers broken in half.

Paint eyes, nose, mouth with other acrylic paint or use buttons or beads & adhere with pins. Felt or construction paper for ears & a tail. I used these little feather boas & wrapped an arrange boa around her neck for a Halloween Tramp look!

This month don’t throw out your faded flowers or dead bouquets. They make for a spooky Haunted House theme. Roses & hydrangea work best but any flowers will do. Red roses particularly are great because when they are dead the red becomes black! Oooh scary!

A “scary” conversation I recalled today:

My sister visiting Los Angeles for the first time:

Sis: “Hmmm, I never realized that this was such a FRENCH town.”
Me: “uh…it’s not, what are you referring too?”
Sis: “all the store signs…everything thing is LA this & LA that!”
Me: “That’s L. A. as in Los Angeles!!!

She later expressed alarm that I had so many disabled kids in my neighborhood; due to a plethora of signs that read
SLOW! CHILDREN AT PLAY. I only wish I was kidding.

"Oh Captain, I'm so Frightened"

2008-10-17T23:16:00.000-07:00

That's a quote from the delicious Dame Maggie Smith as she boarded the sailboat of Charles Nelson Reilly for a sail around Marina del Rey! (I know!!)

Anyway... TheGayGardener is on the record as not being a big fan of the scarier aspects to a Halloween Celebration. This is not a moral judgement. It's just that tombstones & skeletons, and spiders & cobwebs seem like something we all should be FIGHTING against not celebrating. Though so many homes show such a creative spirit withe these "spookier" aspects to the Holiday!

Having stated my objection I will offer these hints: BamBOO!!! Not just a scary Halloween word...becasue of its particular "knot" quality when spray painted white, bamboo sticks make a very cool party favor or place setting/name card adornment. Simply spray & break into uneven pieces, tie with raffia or orange & black ribbon and VIOLA!!

As an alternative, if you've been lucky as TheGayGardener to travel around& see the world's most beautiful beaches, you've likely amassed a collection of coral! Much of which is "bone" shaped & can be arranged into a spooky & effective centerpiece

Or how about this? Pumpkins are like $1 ea & you can amass quite an impressive decorative collection for under $20. I love WHITE ones if only because they are so "deco" Try painting the natural indentations of the pumpkin with an orange (or black!) glitter paint Arrange on a cake plate with smaller similarly painted pumpkins, raffia or straw & you have a wonderful & economical centerpiece!! GAYGARDENER HELPFUL HINT: Most commercial pumpkins have their "skins" treated with a waxy substance. If you want the glitter or any paint to penetrate sand or seriously BUFF the pumpkins first

Spotlight: MAX!

2008-10-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

For some reason the photo of Max-The-Cat (his full Christian name!) would not appear in the last post
So here is your SOLO baby!

"Why can't witches have babies, Max?
"Because their husbands have "Hallow-Weenies"

Max just loves a little Haloween humor!
Did I mention I live alone with my cat!!???

T-Minus 16 Days & Counting!

2008-10-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Nope, not talking about the Presidential Election which also is less than 20 days away (Thank God!)
I’m talking about HALLOWEEN, also known as the GAY CHRISTMAS!! Why? I’m not sure. I do know that most major cosmopolitan cities have some sort of Halloween parades or celebrations. And many gay people work as stylists or “costumers” And there is the whole Halloween thing about “Masks” but regardless, if you’re gay or gay friendly you just gotta love Halloween! October 31st is now SURPASSING CHRISTMAS in terms of monies spent on decorations, costumes, parties etc. etc. Can you believe it? I also think that because it’s not modernly a “Religious” celebration that that adds to its popularity!

Over the next few days, TheGayGardener would like to provide you with some cheap & easy (!!!! Describes so many of us, no?) tips to having a fabulous HALLOWEEN!

First of all: CATS!!! And the most wonderful loving intelligent cat I know is my MAX! Isn’t he adorable? A cliché, I know, the gay guy & his cat. But Max is something else! He literally follows the sun around our house in order to capture the optimal light, should I deign to take his picture. He is that desperate to be famous!! Sound like anybody you know???

If you’ve read this blog, you know my Halloween obsession with CANDY CORN! It costs like $3 for 25 lbs or something and it is the ultimate in cheap, edible décor. You can fill clear glass vases with it & shove a candle in there & have a marvelous candleabra. But TheGayGardener prefers to paint terra-cotta pots in “candy corn” colors” and use them around the garden! The photo shows a standard medium pot but those taller, thinner, pots used for herbs actually work better!

Many Craft & décor magazines show “scary Halloween” look by placing old black & white photographs in frames. I’ve done them one better & you can too by taking cheap black frames & using black & white toile instead of old photos. This little tableaux costs less than $20 & makes a hell of a statement in a modern or vintage decor

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2008-10-14T23:03:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, & my hometown, really did me proud last week! Republican Vice Presidential Candidate, SARAH PALIN, was roundly & loudly booed on center ice while opening the hockey game between the Philadelphia Flyers & The New York Rangers.
The Republican Owner of the Flyers said Plain’s appearance was not a political event but was meant to honor her for being America’s best known “Hockey Mom” (I just threw up in my mouth a little writing that) The boos finally gave way to some intermittent “pity” applause as I think people felt sorry for her two kids she brought with her, the littlest even dressed in a Flyer’s jersey.

Palin was greeted with protesters from the moment she arrived in Philadelphia. One demonstrator carried a sign that said, “Back To Alaska, They shouldn’t have asked ya!” THAT is so Philly, I LOVE IT.

You can watch the opening ceremony here. Note the Obama signs behind Palin as well

I have my own sad history with the Flyers. The year was 1973 & The Flyers had just won the Stanley Cup. The City of Philadelphia & the surrounding suburbs went crazy. All the boys in the neighborhood decided to honor the team by creating their own custom t-shirts using one of their white Fruit of The Loom undershirts & adoring them with the name of the favorite player & his number all done with black electrical tape. The Flyers’ colors were black, white & orange Well I may have loathed hockey, but designing sportswear was certainly something this little nine year old could get excited about! I neglected to recognize the importance of the “team” colors though. And in my practical, fastidious way, thought it better to use painter’s tape so as not to harm the white cotton of my t-shirt & naturally preferring the pretty royal blue of the painter’s tape over the boring black electrical one. I debuted my shirt last; and was met with such derisive laughter I can hear it today. Apparently that blue was the color of the New York Rangers, the very team that the Flyers had defeated to win the cup & had I watched a single game, I would have known that. Screw it. I’ll still take the fantasy of fashion over accuracy any day.

Repurposing

2008-10-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do, do without!” that’s an old Depression era recipe for getting by in tough times. And as the scary events of the past week hint at another Depression, this is still good advice.

Think of how our grandparents were (and are) the original “recyclers” Whole drawers devoted to those clear plastic bags that fruit comes in. Shoe boxes full of “twist ties”, giant balls made from saved rubber bands. They hated to throw anything away. We did lose a little bit of this attitude as “the greatest generation” gave way to “the disposable generation” That is until the last few years as we have come to realize that maybe all those plastic “one-time-use” items weren’t such a good thing for the planet & where does all that “stuff” get “disposed” of anyway?

As a garden designer I am presented with numerous opportunities to recycle every day. One of my favorite thing to do is try to imagine new uses for old objects. Old wooden ladders (a staple for me) make terrific plant stands. Old brass or iron bed frames or headboards make fabulous, artful, trellises, fences or just simple art in the garden.

I found this old dresser, buffet table, in the trash. The lines of the piece & the wood itself were too wonderful to let it go. I washed it with an antique green stain & then sealed it to prevent water damage. I use the drawers for garden storage and am constantly re-arranging the pots on top as per the season. This would also make a great potting table.

Use your imagination. I bet you can come up with a whole new purpose for something around your house that’s just begging to be used! Sort of like JAMIE LYNN SPEARS who according to The National Enquirer is knocked up again!